My family didn't bless him because he is an atheist.
It sounds not authentic when we tell everyone we met from WordPress. People will say that 'it's just a phase' to tell us that we will never make it. 3 years later, we were still together and planning on getting married. The relationship was perfect. It was a long-distance relationship, but we were very content. We talk with each other every day, call and video call so often. We barely argue and talk so easily with each other. We feel nothing but comfort with each other. When we are meeting, it will be such great physical affection and just became the best day ever. When I'm with him, even just washing dishes feels like I'm winning a lottery.
But my family didn't want him to be with me. He is an atheist. My family is a conservative, almost far-right people, that are Christian. They want a man from the same religion for me. They want me to be devout that will also breed a devout kid. It has been our main issue since the beginning. But we in these 3 years have been trying to be together. I even 'converted' to be an agnostic because of him. I want him so much that I keep reading a book about 'science and how religion is not aligned with the creation of the world.' But now after all the effort, after all the promises he made, he decided he can't be with me without my family's blessing. We even talked about 'lie that you're a Christian' to my family. We talked about trying him to speak to my family that he's a good person even without a religion. But yeah, it is all ending because he decided he can't pretend to be something that he is not. I am devastated and so angry at him. I understand his reasoning, but why he seems to be chickening out now? Why should he wait for 3 years before this decision? Does he care more about a 'simple' lie more than me? I tried so hard that even I throw my belief for him. I am so sad and heartbroken that he won't also sacrifice something for me.
@SadPotato900
Sorry for what you are going through. What was he like when you met him in person?
@7motivation He is so comfortable to be with. We can just stroll around the town together, talk for hours while holding hands. He even took me to meet his parents on our 5th date. He keeps telling me that he wants to be with me, that he has ideas to have my family's blessing, which in the end he never actually try.
@SadPotato900
At least he seems to be an honest person that doesn't want to lie.
Maybe your wanting him to lie made him wonder about you perhaps?
Could that have caused him to question his feelings about you?
If yes. Could you appoligize and say it was a mistake?
If yes, maybe that could help in some way.
I am sorry about how you feel. I don't know if my blunt comments will help you but I will attempt to answer your questions honestly. I am an Agnostic :) I support science and evidence but I also respect religions, as long as my thoughts and feelings are respected too. Asking someone to "convert" or to "lie" about his or her Agnosticism means not being accepted (not "blessed", as you put it, which is a religious term) for who you are. That is definitely a good reason to end a relationship.
"Why he seems to be chickening out now?" I think he realized that he is asked to be an actor playing a role for the rest of his life. He is not chickening out. He is not willing to do so, which is something different. If he was by your side during all this time that is because he probably loved you and thought that you loved him enough to not just read a book about science and how wrong religions are, but to be there for him (as he is) in spite of what your parents think. They are even talking about a child you two might have in the future being a Christian too, really? Wow!
"Why should he wait for 3 years before this decision?" Maybe you should ask yourself, "How is it possible that this man loved me so much that he kept being judged for his Agnosticism for so long?
"Does he care more about a 'simple' lie more than me?" That is not a "simple" lie. That is a total lack of acceptance of who he is (not what you want him to be) on your part. Maybe you should take responsibility on this situation after all, instead of blaming him or your parents. You are the one to make that choice, nobody else.
"I tried so hard that even I throw my belief for him. I am so sad and heartbroken that he won't also sacrifice something for me". I'm afraid that you should walk in his shoes instead of playing the role of the victim here. You were not rejected by him or his family, he was.
I hope these thoughts will help. I told you they would be blunt, but I also said that I would be honest and I am! Take care and don't be angry at him. Talk to him again and see what you can do "together" instead of being on different sides. Now, if what your parents think or your religion are so critical, then maybe you should meet your next boyfriend at church instead of trying to "fix" someone else.
@Alice1967 thank you so much for the unfiltered honesty. It slaps me from all my whining and reminds me of the first phase of the relationship where we'd break up because 'we can't seem to be together in the future.' We agreed to just quit trying (I was still religious that time) and that we better off moving on before we're too deep in the relationship. I guess I'm just sad because when we get back togehter, he will told me stuff it will be easier if you are an atheist, that he will read the bible, that he will meet my mom to tell that he is a good person even without a religion, that he even willing to lie to me that he's a Christian which in the end he never did. I guess your honesty reminds me back of the part where we agreed that we better off stay on the seperated path. Hopefully we both will finally can accept that.
There is nothing to thank. I know that the situation is very hurtful but as with many other things in life, I think that honesty is better than fantasy. I really trust that you will be okay but you need some time to heal now. One of the reasons why I do not support religions is because they divide people. We should all be truly respected for what we believe in. Don't you think so? Just one more thing, which is important. You wrote: "... to tell that he is a good person even without a religion". I can assure you that I've known people who were supposed to be religious and they were not good at all. Having a religion does not make a person better. Standards do.
All the best to you and him, whether together or on different paths.
@SadPotato900
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. It's really tough going to a breakup, especially after how long you two were together. I noticed certain things from the post you wrote, hopefully it brings some awareness to your situation.
1. Every time I hear "My parents want me do this", "They want me to do this", it feels like perhaps they are not asking what you really want, but rather they are projecting their ideals and beliefs on you. This is a strong indication that maybe you have not individualize from them, and this will cause major problems in any romantic relationship you may have. The loyalty should be often placed on the romantic partner, not on the family of origin because it's going to make the partner feel disconnected and other things.
2. I can tell he didn't fully accept your religion, but then wanted you to follow his beliefs. He gave you tons of promises throughout this (If he followed through then great, if he didn't then he was just talking to convince you".). The way you threw your beliefs for him is a red flag, it's an indication that you are willing to to throw anything way just to be accepted and loved by him. This will make him lose respect for you, and then you will see how his investment level becomes lower than yours. A person should keep their beliefs, thoughts, and what makes them who they are throughout the relationship.
3. The way you wanted him to lie to your parents for you was not okay This is going to make him feel uncomfortable inside and it could have been one of the causes of the breakup. I understand your parents are very conservative and religious, but presenting him to your parents as he is with his own beliefs would have been ideal even if they reject him.
@freshLight64 thank you for your reply. Your first point was one of my biggest problem growing up. They are quite far-right. In their mind when, drawing lines in my love life, friendship (they don't like LGBT friends), sex life (which is nonexistent because of God wants you to be a virgin until marriage), is a sign of love. Because I will go to hell if I don't listen to them. But they did so much for the family. They pay for all of us 4 real expensive education, and we are all very close. As toxic as that is, I care so much about my family. I just learn to keep secrets from them, one of it is my love life. Well, maybe from them I learn to be not such a shitty controlling people.
I just recently convert to be an agnostic. He accepts me eventhough I'm religious. Maybe I'm too captivated that I threw my religon. But tbh, the science makes more sense than religion, so I of course doing it for myself mostly.
And yes, of course, your 3rd point is everything. In the first months together, we break up because we know that we can't work it out. We just like each other's company too much that we keep coming back. That we both trying to look for desperate solution. That we both keep promising stuff to each other. I guess that's what love does to you, making you demand irresponsible thing eventhough it's not reasonable.
@SadPotato900
I completely understand how difficult it is to be around family members that have beliefs, and want to project them into others. In my personal opinion, they are behaving controlling and they are not allowing you to have your own beliefs and personality. I really believe that you have a choice of who you want to be, whom you want to date, and with whom you wish to have intimacy with. They did pay for a lot of expensive things, but it doesn't mean you should always do what they want. I feel that throughout this breakup is really important to slowly become an autonomous person without your parents wanting you to be how they want you to be.
I think you will always be in a tough position when it comes to someone you wish to date because of the inner conflict you go through between following your parents beliefs or making a decision that might go against them. It's tough going through this, especially when you have been conditioned to be a certain way or believe what your parents want you to believe.
@SadPotato900 I'm going through the exact same problem and I feel your pain and anxiety (":
@falineruewen it sucks! I hate on how controlling my family is, but I love them too much to throw them away. How long have you been with them? Any chance of your family accepting?
@SadPotato900 Yes, I feel the same way as you ): I really want to be with him but I dont think my parents will ever approve of him and I end up feeling really torn with my feelings between my parents and the guy. I'm 21 this year, and my parents are still trying to control the friends I make and the guys I see (practically every guy is "NO"). I ended up seeing my boyfriend behind my parents' back, and we've been together for a few months now.
