She cheated and I can't move on

@Shanemandem

I'm so sorry to hear of your painful experience and I know it hurts more than you can express. I'm sad to know you thought to harm yourself and I hope you are on the way out of that dark space. It might help to try and understand what happened and why.

Relationships by and large follow 3 stages.
Stage 1 - infatuation - it's where hormones carry you both to cloud nine and you don't see anything negative about your partner or the relationship.
Stage 2 - reality - it's where the rose coloured glasses are off and you can now objectively see positives as well as negatives. No two people are exactly the same, so inevitable there will be disagreements, differences of opinion, disillusionment and even arguments. Most relationships break down in stage 2 because the bonds formed in stage 1 were simply not real or strong enough to withstand the storms of stage 1. Another big reason for breakdowns in stage 2 is some people cannot live without the stage 1 highs. Some people cope with stage 2 by cheating (physical or emotional) whereby they seek the highs of stage 1 again with new partners. In your case it seems like the storms weren't there but missing the highs of stage 1 made her seek them with someone new.
Stage 3 - mature love - if both partners and the relationship have survived the pitfalls of stage 2, you reach stage 3 where you both now know all strengths and weaknesses of each other as well as the relationship, but still love each other to bits. It's where you both learn to be a team using both sets of strengths to tackle both sets of weaknesses in order to build a future together that will focus on a combined set of goals and happiness. Again, to reach this stage both partners have to be willing to get through stage 2. No matter how hard you try, you can't get here by your efforts alone.

People have asymmetrical needs and that reflects in the kind of relationships they have, as well as in the way they conduct their relationships. Some choose to jump from one stage 1 to the other in a constant process seeking those highs because they prefer not to deal with stage 2. Others determinedly process stage 2 because both partners believe that stage 3 is worth it.

I know you both love each other but a relationship is a mutual decision made by both partners to be together. In order for a relationship to work, certain boundaries and mutual respect is essential.

I'm available to listen if you'd like to talk more about it.

All the best!

@Shanemandem

When did all of this happen?

@Shanemandem I'm sorry that happened to you. I know it's not consolation now but she honestly did you a favor. As much as it hurts now, can you imagine what it would have been like if you had kids and a house and all that you described?

It's for the best. It certainly doesn't feel that way right now, but she showed her true colors. Not only did she decieve you, she didn't even have the guts to sit down and say look, it's not working anymore. That's not someone who is ready to settle down and have children and build a life with someone.

There's someone better out there for you.

@Shanemandem suicide isn't option,it's hard to deal with struggles and to acept that ,its i not worth to give up,try to focus on something else,life is full of surprises,u will never know what is in next corner,it's hurts right now,but block her on every social media, phone number, delete all pictures,and I can't tell that will help you fully,but by time that pain would be more mild,wish u a good luck

I am sorry you went through something like this. Just remember that people change a lot and are unpredictable at this stage in their life. The love of people is imperfect, and therefore you shouldn't expect anything from other peoplem. Sometimes we simply have to let go and move on. There will always be other people as well, and remember, more than any other person, loving yourself is the most important because then you will become more accepting and loving of others.

@Shanemandem

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

I found the girl im dating for 5 years cheated. We were friends and classmates since we were 15. We started dating when we were 17. It was the happiest relationship I've been in. She was the best girl I've ever known. She's there when im down, and im there with her. Until this 1 day, i saw her picture with a guy on Instagram. She tries to denied it saying he was a friend. (The way she tried to deny it does indicate she has certain issue regarding with low self esteem, not a good intengrity and often fearful) I trust her because that's what relationship is about. (I think you decided to overlook the issue because you didn't want to be away from her) Trust, love and honesty. Few days later, that guy uploaded a new picture, but this time the comments were congratulating him for having a beautiful girlfriend.I couldn't breath when i saw it. (Its normal you felt this way, you love this woman and she meant a lot to you) Then i ask he if this was all true, and she admitted it. They were dating for months behind my back. (This is an indication she doesn't have integrity and will often start line up guys when things don't go well in the relationship. I can also tell she is the type of person who can't stay alone because she would often need to feel validated, loved, and accepted because she doesn't feel this internally.) She said she still loves me and didn't want me to get hurt so she stays quiet hoping she could find the right moment to tell me. (This is an excuse and her way to minimize the situation. She is self-absorbed and selfish, and cared only about how she felt. Let me assure you that she cheated on you because of her insecurities, this has nothing to do with you as a person or what you bring to the table. She stayed quiet because she didn't want to lose you and the other guy) How could a person who says they want to marry me and have kids together, live in a beautiful house and just be together forever, suddenly cheated with a guy she knew for a few weeks? (I can tell the relationship wasn't going well, but she didn't handle things like a mature adult should have. I'm thinking she jumped into another relationship to get unmet needs met through him, which in essence she is using him.) For 5 years I've sacrifice a lot, i even quit my job so i could spend more time with her. (I do think you shouldn't do this for anyone, unless you hate the job. Quiting a job for her will actually make her take you for granted after awhile. You have to be number one in your life, it doesn't mean you shouldn't do nice things for others though) The last thing she said was, "I still love you, i love you forever and I'm sorry that i hurt you this way. Im really sorry. Goodbye babe." (Her last message was so dramatic...) and then she went on to block my number and block me from social media. (This is quite hurtful, I have experienced this and it hurt a lot. She is showing you signs of immaturity and selfish behavior. The way she behave near the end was so dramatic and lack of adult behavior.)It messes up my mind so much to a point where i literally almost committed suicide. (I do recommend you reach a crisis chat when you feel this way and seeking a therapist will help you go through this pain. You are not alone in this, so you shouldn't go through this alone.)

Hey

Hey

@Shanemandem

Here at 7Cups, we’re a community of listeners, not to tell you what to believe, but to help you see clearly when things don’t feel right.

I’ve heard it all before:

“She’s confused,” “She needs space,” “Love comes later.”

But confusion doesn’t explain lies.

Space doesn’t justify manipulation.

And “later” doesn’t excuse betrayal.

People aren’t confused about cheating,

they’re confused about how you caught them.

They’re not unsure about leaving, they’re just afraid of being clearly seen. And when you finally do see them clearly, their only move left is to rewrite the story, paint you as the villain, call you names they know aren’t true.

You weren’t in love with them.

You were in love with the person you hoped they could be..The version that never showed up, because it never existed.

But real love doesn’t confuse. It doesn’t twist facts or play the victim.

You didn’t lose someone who needed time.

You lost someone who ran out of masks, someone who tried to ruin your name to save theirs..

That’s the irony:

Every lie revealed more about them than about you.

And when their mask falls, you must run.

Here at 7Cups, we’re a community of listeners, not to tell you what to believe, but to help you see clearly when things don’t feel right.

I’ve heard it all before: “She’s confused,” “She needs space,” “Love comes later.”

But confusion doesn’t explain lies. Space doesn’t justify manipulation. And “later” doesn’t excuse betrayal. People aren’t confused about cheating, they’re confused about how you caught them.

They’re not unsure about leaving, they’re just afraid of being clearly seen. And when you finally do see them clearly, their only move left is to rewrite the story, paint you as the villain, call you names they know aren’t true.

You weren’t in love with them. You were in love with the person you hoped they could be..The version that never showed up, because it never existed.

But real love doesn’t confuse. It doesn’t twist facts or play the victim.

You didn’t lose someone who needed time. You lost someone who ran out of masks, someone who tried to ruin your name to save theirs..

That’s the irony:

Every lie revealed more about them than about you. And when their mask falls, your freedom begins.