She cheated, we broke up but still wanna see me
Hey there.
So my GF of 5 years cheated on me, and has been cheating on me for a few months, and I discovered that she went on a trip with the guy instead of a "work trip". Long story short, i brought it to her, she said she didn't like the way i treat her, not loving enough, that I was too controlling and suffocating. SHE broke up 3 weeks ago, but we are both having a hard time to let go. We still talk to each other every day. She says she still loves me, so she doesn't want me to leave town as she wants to "clear her mind" before coming back to me (i asked her if she wants to come back, and we try to work on our relationship). So its its been 3 weeks already, she says she's still confused, and in a mess, but will definitely come back to me when she has a clear mind? However, I also discovered that she keeps writing to the guy she cheated on me with everyday and still went to sleep with him a couple of time. Brought it up to her, she says he's the only one who understands her, to whom she can talk to about het feelings and her "depression". That they didn't do anything sexual or whatever, just talk..? What should I do? I really wanna move town, block her everywhere ect but I aldo wanna give her a second/third chance... Ow and during these 3 weeks we'd also have sex..she wanted to so did i..was it an error?
@Ahjuan best suggestion i can make is to move on slowly take it day by day you deserve better
@Ahjuan I went through almost the same thing. My ex gf and I were together for 7 years and I found out she was cheating on me. She lied about where she was spending her weekends. After I told her I knew, she kept seeing the other guy, promising that she would eventually choose me but that she didn't know how to let go of him. She and I would still see each other everyday and have sex and she'd say she loved me but then would keep going back to him. This went on for 3 months of her promising she'd end things with the other guy. It's hard to let go of someone you've been with for so long. Your girlfriend is addicted to both relationships and letting go of either one is so emotionally painful for her, she can't give up either of you. I'm sorry this is happening to you, but if you give her a second chance, she'll only end up hurting you more. If you move away and cut all contact with her, the pain will eventually stop. But if you keep talking to her and hoping she'll change, the pain will never end. You know this already. I know it's hard to give up on someone you love, but maybe a few months after you cut contact, if you still want to try again, you can try. It's just better to put distance between you and the source of the pain to clear YOUR head for a while. Whatever you decide to do, we're here for you.
@ShadesBluer thank you so much...thats exactly whats happening to me right now...but mine says she doesn't have sex with him. But still sleeps at his place to "talk"..i don't know if i i should trust her or what..i try to take distance but she doesn't allow me.. the thing is that if i i take distance, i will leave the current town to another country and obviously will be the end of everything. But she doesn't allow me. She says that its immature if i go, that its immature if i block her everywhere and stop talking to her...that I'm the one trashing the "relationship". What she doesn't understand is that if i wanna move on, i i need to block her and remove her everywhere, because I always end up stalking her and getting hurt more and more..its not that i i want to remove her, but its the only way i i thi that will force me not to see her content and miss her and be like a psycho stalking her all the time?
@Ahjuan
So my GF of 5 years cheated on me, and has been cheating on me for a few months, (That must had been awful and hurtful to find out, you didn't deserve to go through this) and I discovered that she went on a trip with the guy instead of a "work trip".(She sounds like a liar, this is what she typically does to not get into trouble. You cant trust this woman after she did this, this shows how selfish she is) Long story short, i brought it to her, she said she didn't like the way i treat her, not loving enough, that I was too controlling and suffocating. (This is her way of blaming you, distorting reality and projecting on you. She cheated because she wanted to cheat because things could have been talked about, but no she decided to cheat on you. She comes across as immature and manipulative as well by not accepting responsability for her actions. I wouldn't be near a woman like this, if things don't go well is where she will start talking to guys without actually communication with you) SHE broke up 3 weeks ago, but we are both having a hard time to let go. We still talk to each other every day. She says she still loves me, (I understand is hard to let go, you were with her for 5 years, but she is telling you this to keep you hook on her.) so she doesn't want me to leave town as she wants to "clear her mind" before coming back to me (This is her way of putting you in backup position while she explores things with the other guy. She is doing all of this because she doesn't want to let go of you and the other guy. She is only thinking how she feels, without thinking how this affects you) (i asked her if she wants to come back, and we try to work on our relationship). (You are communicating this"Hey i didn't mind that you cheated on me, there won't be any consequences because I need you to make me feel loved". She did something horrible which is cheating, but you are basically wanting to comeback with someone who hurt you this much. Self respect is very important, she will cheat on you again if you two get back together and then you will go through this hurt again) So its its been 3 weeks already, she says she's still confused, and in a mess, but will definitely come back to me when she has a clear mind? (She is telling you what you want to hear to keep you hook on her in case it doesn't work with the other guy. She will start to tell you "I love you" and wants you when shes interested, but then disappears or keeps you on the hook when she isn't interested.)However, I also discovered that she keeps writing to the guy she cheated on me with everyday and still went to sleep with him a couple of time. (This tells me she is still with the other guy, but at the same time wants to keep you hook in case it doesn't work with him) Brought it up to her, she says he's the only one who understands her, to whom she can talk to about het feelings and her "depression". (Look at how she deflects your question and how she justifies herself...she is using this other guy for validation and to feel loved. Once he doesn't give her that is where she will come to you for it...she is not a good woman with whom you can have a healthy relationship) That they didn't do anything sexual or whatever, just talk..? (Sureeeeeeee, look at how shes lying and minimizing the situation) What should I do? (I would have stay away from this woman for good) I really wanna move town, block her everywhere ect but I aldo wanna give her a second/third chance... *(This is not a woman thats worth that many chances, you are planning on forgiving her to feel loved and not alone. She will cheat on you again, and then you will go through a lot of hurt. She can't give you a healthy relationship, and she has shown that she can't be trusted) Ow and during these 3 weeks we'd also have sex..she wanted to so did i..was it an error? (Yes it was because its important to stay away for good from this woman, she only cares about her needs and wants. She cheated on you, and didn't care how much it would hurt you. She blames you for everything as manipulating tactic to avoid responsability for her actions, and then tries to keep you hook in case it doesn't work with the other guy. I think shes incredibly selfish and will hurt you again if you let her in your life.)
@freshLight64 thank you so much for your insight. It really helps!! Thats the thing, she keeps manipulatine ma and controlling me, making me feel bad so i dont move away and end things totally between us.. she said she is trying, she said that she doesn't go to his place nor see him anymore and that she is writing less and less (taking her distances from the guy..)
So we had dinner again tonight, had a serious talk and I gave her an ultimatum. I said that if she wants it to work between us, she has to stop talking and seeing this guy and we go through therapy with a specialist. She didn't want to do it though. She says that she is not ready to fall back into a "committed" relationship with me just now and that she still needs time to think and "clear her mind" again. She then asked that I give her a 2 to 3 weeks of no contact and no seeing each other period; to which I agreed like an idiot.. i still do love her and even if she did something horrible, I believe in second chances.. even so, i i guess I'll use these 2-3weeks to reflect on the relationship, how she treated me and all the lies that have been told.
Sometimes though i really think like you...that she is just trying to keep me on the hook, which hurts me so bad..i have no idea why she would do that though. As I am almost broke, my car is a lemon, im not SUPER handsome, im out of a job, the sex is under average. Seriously dont see anything she might want from me to keep me on the hook...
@Ahjuan
Thats the thing, she keeps manipulatine ma and controlling me, (Its because you are letting her to do this to you. I understand you feel bad when she does this, but i promise you she only cares about what she wants) making me feel bad so i dont move away and end things totally between us.. (You both created this relationship, so in a way both sides contributed to the ending, however she cheated on you so she killed the relationship) she said she is trying, (Yeah...shes is trying so hard that she still sees the other guy) she said that she doesn't go to his place nor see him anymore and that she is writing less and less (taking her distances from the guy..) (In other words she is making zero effort)
So we had dinner again tonight, had a serious talk and I gave her an ultimatum. (I can see why you would do this, you must had felt fear of losing her, but an ultimatum is a manipulation. You are trying to force her to do what you want on order for you to feel better) I said that if she wants it to work between us, (One important thing here, she cheated on you, so she needs to be one to earn you back.) she has to stop talking and seeing this guy and we go through therapy with a specialist. (You tried to force her into doing this because you felt anxiety and not in control of the situation.) She didn't want to do it though. (This is all you needed to hear, it tells you she doesn't want to change and not willing to work on her issues. She will not be a good partner for you) She says that she is not ready to fall back into a "committed" relationship with me just now (I do see why she would say this, you are trying too hard and trying to get a toxic woman back who will just hurt you.) and that she still needs time to think and "clear her mind" again. (Putting you in back up position here) She then asked that I give her a 2 to 3 weeks of no contact and no seeing each other period; (I do see you love her and care about her, but you are trying to force things which makes her back away, but look at her behavior...its all about her. She knows she can come and go out of your life because you will always wait on her) to which I agreed like an idiot.. (You are not an idiot, its just tough walking away from someone you love, but its important to stay away from her for good) i still do love her and even if she did something horrible, I believe in second chances.. (So she is not open to seek counseling, to work on things, she has not taken responsability for her actions, only cares about how she feels, she manipulates you, keeps you on the hook, lies to you and puts you back up position often This is the woman you want to give second chances? I see a 0% chance of her changing, and i promise you she will cheat on you again if you two get back together) even so, i i guess I'll use these 2-3weeks to reflect on the relationship, how she treated me and all the lies that have been told.
Sometimes though i really think like you...that she is just trying to keep me on the hook, which hurts me so bad..i have no idea why she would do that though. (She wants to make sure she has someone to fall back on because shes afraid to be alone and doesn't love herself. She is using you and him for validation and to feel loved, and then will probably find someone when the two of you won't give what she needs. Everything about her is "I need", if not then she will go behind your back to get it from someone else without communicating) ) As I am almost broke, my car is a lemon, im not SUPER handsome, im out of a job, the sex is under average. Seriously dont see anything she might want from me to keep me on the hook...(For validation, to feel loved and not feel alone)
