Stuck and confused

@blueeyedmama26

Hi, welcome to 7 Cups! Just in case if you haven't found it, there is a Newbie Hub forum that has a welcome pack for new members.

Thanks for sharing your story. I can't tell you what you should do, but I'm going to paraphrase and repeat back some of what you've shared and I think you will spot a pattern. 😊

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While you were together with your ex, you loved him a lot and stuck around for a very long time because of that. But during that timespan he cheated, lied, failed to get the help he needed for severe depression/anxiety, and wasn't really an equal partner in the relationship with you trying to do his best to maintain things. Much of your time with him was spent fighting and feeling tense.

You shared multiple times in your post that you feel like a weight has been lifted since he left. Like there is a new peace that you couldn't feel before that you now don't want to lose. You feel happy for him to to hear that he is possibly starting to get the help that he needs. But you don't really trust him or feel completely optimistic about this since:

• He has said in the past that he would get help but didn't
• He has a track record of lying about things and might not be telling the truth
• He still hasn't recognized or taken full responsibility for many of his past actions

In addition, he has done some other things that feel a bit unsettling:

• Instead of living by himself or with a friend, he has moved in with an ex-partner, which might be a sign that he's thrown himself impulsively into an old emotional attachment instead of doing some much-needed healing work on his own
• He is trying to guilt-trip you into reconnecting by talking about how badly one of the kids is feeling and blaming you for that. (I felt annoyed reading that when you mentioned it.)

***

So what I'm noticing is that maybe ~95% of what you've shared is pointing in the direction of: "I don't want to get back together with this person. I don't trust them. They haven't demonstrated that they've changed or taken full responsibility for the problems that caused me to end the relationship in the first place. I'm also reluctant to give up the peace that I've finally gained by separating myself from him."

@blueeyedmama26

hey there. My heart really goes out to you in this struggle your having. I left a similar situation about two years ago, and I know what you mean by finally having peace. My situation went on for ten years and at the time I just thought that’s how thing are and that I couldn’t have any better than that, or that better didn’t exist..it had become my normal in life to be with someone I didn’t quite trust and that caused me pain. I actually became chronically physically ill from it all. After I left I had finally had peace like you said, and could begin to heal my mind, body, and emotions. Stress wreaks havoc on our system and isn’t good for us generally. I’m just mentioning all of that because I now tend to think we should follow those feelings of peace. Someone told me once that if you don’t have peace about something not to do it, that it’s kind of like your intuition guiding you. I followed my peace out of that situation I was in and it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, even though I was very unsure about it at the time and I was giving up everything I had sacrificed so much for. But in hindsight I’m so glad I did. the head and heart can say different things and it can all get so confusing. But you don’t owe him anything and your kids might be better in the long run if they have a peaceful and happy mum, even if it means their parents aren’t together. I don’t wanna tell you what to do or what you should do because I don’t know your situation or boyfriend, and I know that’s not necessarily helpful. But I can tell you that no matter what, you deserve a peaceful happy life with someone who is healthy, and I believe you can have that. I did a lot of work on myself and my self esteem and it’s paid off because I’m now with the most wonderful man I could want, and it’s not something I even thought existed. What I have now is very chill and drama free and he helps me feel better in life not worse, cuz that’s what I need. I guess what I’m trying to say is if I had never put away the situations that weren’t serving me I never would have had the opportunity to meet the man that i have now. I have no idea if what I’m saying is helpful or totally missing the mark, and I’m sorry if it’s not helpful. I almost didn’t post it cuz I’m not sure if this is helpful, but I guess I just want to tell you that you are worthy of the absolute best and that you really can have it. You can have someone who you completely trust and makes you feel good and safe, who looks after your feelings and best interest, and you 100% deserve that.