39 yo virgin, too shy for romance, waited too long?
Hello, I am new here. Forgive me if this is the wrong place to post this.
I am almost 40 yr old, straight man who is a virgin and never had a girlfriend. I've never been able to talk about this, I'm so afraid to open up to anyone to ask for help. I'm not sure who I could even ask for help.
I grew up in a very small community, small elementary and high school. I never fit in with anyone there, I felt, and I would get anxiety when trying to talk to girls, and could never ask them out. I went to college, but it was close enough that I stayed at home while going there, so I didn't meet any friends there. All my friends are coupled up or married with kids. I still live in a small community, and I still feel like I don't belong.
My friends through the years have not been willing or able to help me by setting me up or even giving me advice and my family jokes about it, and that hurts more. I've always felt it wrong to mix my work life with any deeper relationships than just friends.
I've gotten close to a few ladies over the years, but they only needed to use me for protection or as a secondary choice, and they only saw me as a friend anyway. I don't feel like I can connect to any woman now, because I've wasted so much of my life. Looking back, I see so many opportunities wasted, but I know, also by looking back, that I would not have been able to go thru with them. Now, because I am working part time, and am partial caregiver to my elderly father, and because of my age and shyness, I feel that I've missed out on a great deal.
I can't seem to make anyone realize how truly lonely I feel. I feel like there's a big empty place in my heart, I want to love a woman, I just haven't met her yet. And when I do, would I have the guts to ask her out? Maybe I already have had that opportunity pass my by, never to be found again?
I truly appreciate the time you've spent reading my post. If you can help me at all, or send me in the right direction, I would appreciate it.
It's never too late 💕
@Abnormal
Thanks for the optimism. 
You're welcome
Hey there!
I believe you may need to start looking a bit differently at how you lived your life. You may have wasted a few opportunities, but what else have you managed to do in your life? Let's leave your romantic life for a bit and start thinking about what you gained in your professional life and your personal life while you stayed single all these years. Try to add all your successes to a place and don't hesitate to look at those great things you've done whenever you feel weak. I'm sure you've done many, many things you can be proud of!
Now, after you thought about all those great things you've done professionally and personally, let's see what is missing in your romantic life. It's normal to feel lonely as many people of your age or your family aren't able to understand you so it comes really hard to open up about how you really feel. It must be very hard to admit how you feel and how bad all this have become for you.
Why do you think you've missed out so many opportunities of starting to date someone? Do you have some very high expectations? If yes, what are those? What kind of woman do you wish to meet and love? Do you want kinds? What else? Try to define your desires because only when you know what you are looking for, you will really become able to be more open about finding the right woman.
We tend to look only at what is missing, what we don't have or don't want and that way is truly hard to see what we really are drawn to. We only know what we are avoiding. So try switching a bit your way of seeing things and maybe that will make you at least feel better about this. Good luck!
Time is not lost. You still have time. :)
@cristiana33
Thank you so much for your kind words and advice! I will think on them over the next several days. It's possible I am asexual (something I just found out about) and these pressures are just societal, but I've always wanted a romantic relationship since before puberty and it never materialized for whatever reason.
And yes, I have done many things that I can be proud of in the past, and I'm still doing those things now, and will continue.
I hear that dating coaches are extremely helpful in navigating you through romantic relationships and also supporting you in growing as a person. Personal development and confidence is an integral part of relationships. It might be worth looking into
@AdVictoriam
Thanks for the info! It's true I've always lacked confidence in this area. Not sure how I could find a dating coach. I can travel to visit one if I have to...
@BlastHardcheese
I did a quick online search and there's a lot of resources / coaches available both in person and also online.
Dating coaches aren't exclusively for men either. Here's an "it happened to me" article by Jenni Wright on dating coaches!
@AdVictoriam
Thanks for getting back to me!
I read the article, it's not optimistic at all! Two take-aways from it, women have it much harder than men, and the digital age has messed up dating for everyone.
It can't be this hard, can it?
@BlastHardcheese
Source: I asked a friend who did this and he loved how much a dating coach helped. I haven't any first hand experience so it's heresay at this point.
Dating coaches focus on two things - inner game and outer game. Inner game is self improvement and ways to increase self confidence and self esteem by helping you discover what your passions and interests are. A person who is comfortable in his own skin and knows what he wants from life is infinitely more attractive.
Outer game is how to approach people you want to flirt / date and learn how to overcome certain unproductive social habits. How you approach a person can help you get the phone number and ultimately the date. It's the same with online dating - there's outer game (knowing how to message someone / how to have a great profile) and then there's inner game (how to live the life that you want to live essentially). Both are important when it comes to dating and relationships.
@AdVictoriam
That's at the core of this, I'm thinking. Low self esteem. I have fought that my whole life, and found out later it's mixed with depression (that runs in the family). I will continue that topic over on those boards, but low self confidence has held me back from taking some of those opportunities mentioned at the beginning. That's what I need to work on. I want to be the best boyfriend to some lucky lady, darn it!
More on the Dating Coaches, I poked a bit online to try to find some in my area. They seem kind of...sleazy? Shady? Don't know if I really want to trust them with my money. YMMV of course. Maybe endemic to the industry?
Thank you again for your insights! :)
@BlastHardcheese
Ive heard this too. Umm unfortunately I dont have experience with dating coaches. Here's what I can say from what Ive seen and read.
1) There's a difference between dating coaches and pickup artistry coaches. Dating coaches are there to help you develop character and work on all aspects of dating - including self-confidence and relationship management.
Pickup coaches by contrast are specifically to help you learn how to approach and flirt with the people you want in order to get them to go home with you.
2) Another way to look at this (or to approach this) is to consider getting a life counselor who specializes in relationships. It's pretty similar imo (I'm not sure because I haven't tried dating coaches myself).
3) The YMMV comment is very true and I do think people can take it too far. There's a lot of criticism of dating coaches and pickup artistry because it objectifies people. I think there's a healthy approach and an unhealthy approach to getting a relationship and finding the right dating coach can make a world of difference.
You can also give the initial consultation a shot and then evaluate if it's worth it maybe?
Hello BlastHardCheese,
First, I want to acknowledge your courage and openness in posting here with your concerns. You are not alone. While it may not be very common to be a virgin at your age, it is certainly not as rare as you may think. I am a psych grad with a strong interest in human sexuality, so I have a little bit of knowledge in this area.
There is a movie called "The Sessions" starring Helen Hunt. It is closely based on the true work of a real woman called Cheryl Cohen-Green, who is a sex surrogate. In the movie she helps a disabled client discover sexual pleasure and expression. Real sex surrogates, including Ms Cohen-Greene, work very often with older virgins. Some are physically disabled but many are simply shy, socially awkward, have challenges such as depression, or have trauma in their background. Some don't have a particular reason for being inexperienced, but whatever the case, sex surrogacy is one way some people choose to explore this part of themselves.
I also know of an organization called Touching Base. (www.touching base.org) . The aim of groups such as Touching Base is to de-stigmatize both sex work and disability, and to connect disabled clients with understanding, trained and ethical sex workers who can help meet these clients needs. I am aware you did not say you had a disability, however sex workers who are on their referral list would be very likely to be also understanding of issues such as sexual inexperience, depression, etc.
Lastly, a licensed sex therapist would be likely to be understanding of you and could help you explore and clarify your thoughts, feelings and wishes around this issue. You may find it worthwhile to google / research sex surrogates, touchingbase.org,, sex therapy or other topics. Or perhaps none of what I have shared is of interest to you, and that's o.k. too. Only you can decide what is right for you.
My main message is that you without a doubt are not alone in this. I believe expression and exploration of ones sexuality is a human right (so long it is consenting adults only involved) and asexuality, which may or may not resonate with you, is also one of many valid and acceptable sexual identities. Thank you for sharing so honestly here at 7 Cups. I wish you the very best.
Tiana (listener)
Hi,
I am new to this site was well. I find it helpful.
I thought i might share my story.
I was was married right out of high school to a gentleman in the military who swept me off my feet with his words of love and care, and passion.
It lasted eight years. And then it was gone. Divorce. I felt hollow, empty without the man who I started my adult life with.
I tried to move on, joining things that would allow me ways of meeting new people.
I remember sitting in my car, in a parking lot, talking to myself. Telling me, that this would be fun to meet people and that if I didn't like it after an hour I could leave. Well, I did have fun. I was going to a Super Bowl party.
I joined the club. That was step one.
The people in the club were mostly married couples but many single folks too. Over time I found myself making friends. I had become afraid of commitment and of physical touch. The married guys there felt safe to me. The wives started setting me up with guys they knew. Remembering a time when a man came in the front door and I walked out the back door after seeing him come in. There was nothing wrong with him. It was me. Over the years after the divorce I would spend time with guys but never allowed them to get close or physical.
Finally, I decided I was lonely and the only way I was going to meet someone was to go online. And, yes, there are many bad people on online but, many honest caring people too. Research and be alert to things that don't make sense. And, you will be fine.
Anyway, I joined an online dating site. Chatted with people and tried out flirting online. So the next step was to meet someone. I did. It was during the day. In a public place, a coffee shop. I drove myself and had my phone with me at all times. I know it probably sounds weird. Anyway, I met the guy. And he was not for me. But, while at the coffee shop a friend of his stopped over. And we connected.
Later, the friend and I met and have been together for over ten years. It was fourteen years between my divorce and meeting my present husband.
Be brave and try something new. Go talk with someone about it. I did.
Love yourself and make that step and get help.
@42me
Thanks for sharing your story!
I'm starting to open up more with my feelings to my friends (writing on 7 Cups really helps), I just had lunch with an older married friend, and I brought up how hard it's been to connect out here. He agreed, he also suggested I move to another state (but not in a bad way!) which could always be an option. A fresh start and all.
What is the 'club' you speak of? A football club? A dating site would be nice, but right now cost prohibited (which is something else I'm working toward - and for the Unemployment Help thread). And right now, that may not be the best place, but I could be talking myself out of it. I need to love myself more.
@TianaCares
Thank you so much for your reply! These were things that I didn't know about, it's great to have this information and I will add them to my other research topics. I did some more research on asexualism, and no, I don't think that's me.
Right, and to clarify, I am not physically disabled, but I have fought depression all of my life. (I will write more about that in the Depression Section later.)
If I were to relate this experience to a film (and I am a film fan), I would relate myself, and the whole situation, closer to the 1955 Best Picture winner Marty. If you aren't familiar with the film, here's a description of the intro: "Unmarried at 34, the good-natured but socially awkward Marty faces constant badgering from family and friends to settle down, pointing out that all his brothers and sisters are already married with children. Not averse to marriage but disheartened by his lack of prospects, Marty has reluctantly resigned himself to bachelorhood." Move up the age a bit, replace brothers and sisters with cousins, and that's pretty much it. It's also been modernized, with Only the Lonely, I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With, and 40 Year Old Virgin (still positive, but told from the friend's pov). When I watched Marty something clicked inside, and that must have happened quite a bit back then, it being popular and getting Best Picture.
I just wanted to saythat you all have been great with this! 7 Cups has been very positive! I feel like maybe I can start to open up to my friends soon about this.
@BlastHardcheese
I am so glad your experience here has been a positive one, and good on you for taking steps for your own growth and wellbeing. I will be checking out the movies you mentioned for my own interests. Just a note, the touchingbase.org service is based in Australia. There is a similar service, TLC Trust, based in the U.K. , and a growing awareness of these issues in the U.S.
I wish you all the best. I have the feeling you are on the dawn of a wonderful and exciting journey.
Tiana
If this helps at all, I am a 30-year old woman who is also a virgin. Just like you, I was a bit of an outcast and I never had a boyfriend. I am really introverted and I was really sheltered as a child. As I grew up, i became more isolated and i just never had the opportunity or met the right person. I have no idea how to meet men or even talk to them. I don't have a lot of opportunities to meet new people. Part of me is proud that I haven't made a poor decision and slept with the wrong men. But part of me is also lonely and wishes i had the same experiences as other women my age that are married with kids. I also deeply fear telling this to any man because he may not want to be with a virgin who is 30.
So, i understand your situation. Hopefully you and I will both find the right people soon. :)
So, it's been about two years since I've posted this. Things have not changed, except for my age. I'm still very lonely and I lose a day every day I will never get back.
What prompted me to write back was the current viral trend of 'Me Too'. I think this was a big reason why I have never dated. I never knowingly molested or harassed anyone. I try to be as polite as I can be, but I can't read minds. I'm not handsome, I'm awkward, I'm clumsy and I am not experienced with any kind of romantic relationship. I was always afraid that if I ever became intimate with a woman, she would think I crossed a line. Am I wrong in thinking this? I have felt infatuation. Any action out of infatuation could be considered harassment, yes? Asking a woman out in any context = harassment?
Don't think of me as MRA or troll, I genuinely would like to know.
Thanks for reading.
