Are you staying in the relationship because of the time and energy you have invested?
When you consider breaking up, does it pain you to think of all the time youve already spent trying to make it work? Is the investment youve made one of the main reasons youre still in the relationship? If your relationship was only a few months old, would you stay in it if it was exactly the way it is now? Just like a poor investment with a negative long-term outcome, it is just as good to get out of a dating relationship which is not bringing you a positive return on investment.
@fancifulPainting19
I don't think I would say that I have prolonged a relationship solely because of the time and energy I invested in it. It may be one of the reasons but not the main one. The main reason why I have always pushed my relationships is because I am scared of abandonement. As petty as it may seem, being abandoned is the biggest fear of my life.Although, I have left people, and as cruel as it may make me look, I was okay with it. I know that makes me look like a hypocrite, but I really do try to make my relationships work; to an extent where I just couldn't care any less. When you put in something, you wish to get something back and when that doesn't happen, it's better to let go.
@FadingStarDust
That is a good thig you did. This biggest step has made you free and comfortable in your own skin.
I did think the same question in my mind time to time, i found asking myself, would it be better the person i will find after my partner now. I decided to stick with the partner that already have. It didnt go well tho. It is better to be sure about the love inside your heart.
Me and my girlfriend where laying in bed getting ready to sleep she falls asleep and I tell her I'm gonna go in the other room to catch up on my sports and didn't wanna do it in the bed and interrupt her sleep so about am hour later I come back to bed and her 8 year old son is laying in bed with her in my spot so I was kind of irritated cus it's not the first time she's allowed this and I wanted to go to bed so I politely asked if she can tell him to go in his own bed and she said "you fell asleep in the other room" which was false and unless her son made up that lie or she did idk but after a few minutes of her arguing with me about her son sleeping in my spot she finally told him to go to his bed then when I laid down my spot was damp and my pillow had drool from her son on it so I let her know bout it and then told her that it's really disrespectful so her response was that "her son comes before me" and also added that I'm a "loser" and that I'm "fake" all because I had an issue with the situation.So my question is am I wrong for getting upset or is she wrong for how she acted and also is she wrong for using the "my son comes first" card? I'm open to any and all answers opinions and advice I just wanna know if I'm wrong for being upset
@Andreymitchell
Children will always come first for any mother. If a child doesn't come first, that's when I would be worried.
In your situation, I'm going to assume that you're not the father based on your post, showing her that you respect her and her son's relationship would do more good than demanding he respect your and her's relationship. I'm sorry, but if any man got so annoyed that my son was cuddling in bed with me that he kicked him out instead of just jumping right in to cuddle us both, I'd be out the door in a heartbeat. To be with me, you have to love my son like he was your own.
@Andreymitchell
I understand your feelings of annoyance. There is a right and a wrong way to approach every situation and while I understand why it was uncomfortable for you to lay down on a damp bed with drool on it the best way to have approached the situation was to sleep in the other room and wait until the child was busy doing something else. The way you handled the situation sounded like you are having issues with her relationship with her child. Using words like "my spot" and "my place" and making a sleeping child move out of "your bed" can raise her defense flags when it comes to her child who will ultimately come before you no matter how young or old, no matter right or wrong. You have to know that when you choose, and choose being the key word, to be involved with someone who has a child that you will come second to that in all things. If that does not sit well with you than you may want to re-evaluate your relationship. Also, the child should become like your child the love of that child should actually make it okay to come in second place every time because you are both putting him first. Good luck. X
I can't do relationships because I'm too anxious and insecure for them :(
@sensitiveWest3235 - sounds like there's an underlying cause for those feelings. Working on yourself helps you develop a healthy relationship with others, be it romantically or not.
I hope you have someone to talk to about your anxiety and insecurities. I know, for me, talking to someone who is free of judgment and biased views helped me a lot. It also helped me realize a lot of underlying issues I have to work on. But I surely have anxiety and insecurities with any relationship I develop, too. You're not alone!
I am also in a similar situation. I am confused whether should i leave him or not. I am afraid of living alone.
@Hello365 - if that is your only concern; living alone, and you are even in the slightest thinking about leaving, I would leave. I can tell you from experience that settling for less than what you deserve is never fair for yourself. If they are not providing you with what you need to make a solid decision to stay, then it's not worth it, in my opinion; be that, mentally, emotionally, physically. If they're not willing to compromise and work on the relationship, then it's time to check out. It usually never goes well when one side is putting in more work than the other.
I'm not certain the situation you're in, but for me (now that I learned my lesson) I wouldn't stay just because I'm comfortable or because I invested a lot of time and energy in a relationship.
I came out of a 9 year relationship with some mental and emotional issues because I stayed for all the wrong reasons.
I hope you find your freedom and I hope you don't feel stuck.
@Ttb0314
Was it easy for you to move on? Did you thought of getting into another relationship when you left one?
@fancifulPainting19 I might be having a slightly different opinion from many but I believe that relationships work only if we want to make it work.. if the relationship is abusive then of course one needs to leave it right away but if relationships face small misunderstandings or maybe squabbles then I think there is always a scope for bettering the relationship with time. It's veryeasy to break or leave a thing but it's difficult to hold on and make something work.. :)
@YourFriendforever
what if everytime of think you can workout but left out again ignored and abused???
@Hello365 Well, if you are abused then yes, we should leave that person right away.. There is no scope of improvement in any abusive relationship. and yes I value self respect more than anything.. As I said only if the relatiionship has little issues then we can hold on.. :)
@YourFriendforever
and how do u decide whether issues are big or small?? I mean i very well know i also make mistakes as no one is perfect. But I never broke his trust. For me trust is most important. He makes me laugh, cares but has been cheating for 2 years. So just because he makes me feel good for 5 days and on weekends we have a lot of arguments, will u consider a small issue or big???
@Hello365 cheating is different. I was saying if there are little squabbles then it's better to hold on. Cheating is being disloyal. And the decision is completely upto you. Don't let anyone dull your sparkle. :)
Hi,
I need an advice. I have been in love with a guy who is my friend. In the beginning he told me that he is not willing to commit as he is not ready because of his previous relation. I never mean to fall in love with this guy or even plan to sleep with him. I just wanted friendship but as the day goes by. I got tempted. He is so sweet and nice to me. He is filling all the emptiness inside me. After a few months, we had a fight and he ended up sleeping with another woman who is 14 yrs older than him. He admires this woman because she is ambitious, confident and good in bed. I never tried this kind of setup in my life. Everything is new to me. I have accepted him back because I love him though it hurts me. And I try to convince myself that it is ok. As the time goes, first time I've felt like a whore or worthless.
It has a bad effect on me. I start wondering how come he can sleep with many woman without even being feeling guilty. To me my body is important and I don't just give it to someone without love. I started questioning myself. I was afraid to lose him. And I don't even know why I love him. He was always there when I was so down. I had an issue with my ex and he was there to comfort me and helped me.
He made me feel that I am important and I deserve something.
Then after a year, he changed a lot, he start disrespecting and insulting me if I don't follow his expectation. He told me he cant accept me.
He wants me to move to another job but he gave me a timeline. He also want me to mean what I say. He feels like I always lie to him.
Since then he cut me off. Then he came back and and left me again.
He said he cant accept me as he wants a woman who doesnt get attached to him and just focus on her career.
I have been chasing him because I want us to be together but he doesn't love me. Though he said he cares a lot and I am important.
Until now, I talk to him but he is not initiating anymore. He doesn;t like to be friends. I feel like a garbage that he can just dump without any value. Do you think he cared about me? or he was just using me?
Why he doesn't want to be friends either? Does he hate me so much? Why someone change this much so quick?
I've been with my husband for 25 years, married for 20 this August and I feel like it's time to leave him and divorce, but I am really struggling with it. I feel like if I told anyone our story they would look at me like I was crazy for staying as long as I have. I feel like I'm probably attached to him and can't seem to let go, I have a lot of guilt over thinking about leaving him and divorcing...I feel like I have responsibility over his mental health and well-being even though I know that is not normal. To summarize- he's always stolen, lied, hid purchases and smoked marijuana for years. I thought he would grow out of this as adults tend to do. He's been in the roofing industry for his entire life except for a 4 year stint in the Navy. So, his friends have always been questionable...into drugs, jail etc... The big one that happened in 2001 was he was kicked out of the Navy for marijuana (thats the first time I questioned why people leave each other.) All our dreams and plans gone. That was a pretty big mistake, one that he promised would never happen again, we struggled for years, I went back to school, I noticed a lot of weird things with him but just didn't know what to do. Long story short- -he lost his sight one week, we went to numerous doctors, finally determining he had a benign brain tumor. He's been on medication for it to control the growth. When that happened everything got considerably worse. His anger, his aggression, everything. He became even more weirder. I did so much-- research on doctors, appointments, counseling, read tons of books and studies, sought people out online who had the same things etc..... he showed no interest in any of it, didn't take care of himself. I took over everything-- his medication, bills, you name it....He couldn't remember anything....his anger and aggression just became scary and weird. I think he might have a mental illness, the medications he's on are known to cause problems of course. I mean, he would yell at people in parking lots for looking at me, yell at people for any reason, correct people, scream at people from his car window, flip people off, follow people, scare people to think he as going to hit them, road rage, I thought I was going to die in a car accident many times, etc.... so many fights and arguments and threatening to leave and counseling got alll this to calm down.
The breaking point-- he had a really great state job several years ago-- long story short, he did not lose his job because of drugs even though he WAS doing them while employed, but they basically got rid of him because of how he would treat people. He was written up many times and the guy he had to work with hated him, so they came up with some kind of excuse and fired him. Again, great job, everything lost because of him. health insurance, savings drained from his expensive meds with no insurance no job etc ... quickly found another roofing job. He is doing great there now. Popped positive for marijuana when he started there- for some crazy reason(he is very experienced in his field), they let him though and told him he could not do drugs and they wouldn't test him at anytime. He agreed---so Thanksgiving 2015 I caught him smoking weed once again in the yard. When questioned - he always acts like I'm the one with the paranoid problems,, he said, they are't going to test me, and if they do, I'll just find another job. So along with this-- and him still being rude to people in public and rude to me and just all around weird - I told him I was done. We stopped having sex, I didn't want him to touch me, I moved into the spare bedroom. August 2016 I went home for one month and stayed with my family for a break from him, stopped wearing my ring. Came back of course to a trashed house, nothing taken care of, just weirdness. Asked him to move out- he moved out for a month, came back. WE just haven't been getting along since. He told me he was sorry, he wanted me back, willing to do anything, I just ignored him for months, we stayed out of each others way. I told him to move out again last month-- he's been gone for a month and a half -- and I was trying to see myself submitted papers for divorce. But I just can't, I feel like I can't walk away, he's asking for another chance. I feel bad because I should have done all this years ago, but just didn't have the tools, or the know, or the courage. Now- he's willing to give me everything, the house, everything in it, the car because he is so sorry.
He was supposed to go to counseling, but it is so very difficult to find the right councilor or the right help for your situation and also very costly. We spent the last week together just to see how we get along, I was thinking about having him move back in for finances temporarily because I'm not sure if I can afford the house. I just don't know the right order to do everything in, everything is just overwhelming. I think I could afford the house after we actually go through the divorce and certain changes are made. He said he's sorry, wants to also move back in get his finances straight, and give it one last try. If we can actually get along, but if not, will move back out for good and be divorced.
I don't know why I'm struggling so much. I know I'm afraid to start over and be by myself- I know I can do that. It's just the investment of 25 years, responsibility of a promise and loyalty. I care so much it has hurt me and my dreams and goals. He says he lost track of time and didn't realize what he was doing. All the medications messed him up. I feel like I need to walk away even though it feels right now like the wrong decision. I'm also very afraid something will happen to him and then I will carry the guilt.
@beachliving - everyone reaches their breaking point when they're pushed to it. Sounds like you're there.
I ended a 9 year relationship because I got to my breaking point. And honestly, I realized that there are people out there that will treat me the way I want to be treated. The way I deserve to be treated. And that's with respect. It seems like your husband doesn't have an ounce of respect for you. If he did, he would have listened to you, respected your wishes and stop his bad habits. Or at least compromised with you.
He knew he had you wrapped around his finger. He knew you weren't going to leave. He knew you'd take care of him. Now you're telling him you're going to leave and now he's all of a sudden sorry? I'm sorry, but for me, it's too late. It seemed like you gave him plenty of chances.
Being alone and starting over does sound super scary but would it be better than the situation you are in now? Whatever you choose will be the correct decision because it will be YOUR decision.
I hope for strength in whatever you decide. Best of luck.
Hallo, I am struggling in a new relationship for almost a year. We love each other, and when we're together everything's fine, although we are very quiet types, but that doesnt bother me. We both have kids from previous relationships, but it seems that for him it is somehow more difficult to find the time for a date. I suggested to meet when we have kids, but he doesnt seem very into that. I am feeling a sence of anxiety and insecurity in this relationship, but I want to try to make it work. Since we are both not very open personalities, it gets difficult to talk about it. When I ask him, if he wants to end it, he says no but than it seems hard for him to find the time for a date for weeks. I was also thinking to give him an ultimatum with the schedule of dates (at least one day in a week when we have kids and two days in a week when we dont) - knowing ahead when we would meet would make me less anxious. At the same time - feeling like I am forcing myself on him is not very pleasant either. What do you think?
