Hi all! This is our second discussion in a series dealing with Characteristics of Attachment Styles. The intent of the Attachment Series to help everyone understand different between a stable attachment style and an unstable anxiety-attachment style or unstable avoidant-attachment style. Most of us know someone (maybe it's ourselves) who is known as "clingy" or "cold" and it's helpful to understand why this perception might happen.
Attachment Series 2: Characteristics of Anxious Attachment Styles
Here are some takeaways from the discussion and also from background reading! I really liked the article "Adult attachment style, interpersonal communication competence, and social support" by Sherry Anders & Joan Tucker (2000).
While different relationships have different boundaries, it's important to notice certain characteristics and mindsets that can make creating healthy relationships more difficult. Knowing our mindsets and motivation can really help us understand why we act the way we do, especially being "clingy."
Clinginess has different forms. For some, it's almost possessive of their partner. Others are selfish about not sharing their partner with anyone / the world and want to be with their partner all the time. And there's different ways of being clingy too! Some are assertive and demand attention. Others are more insecure and get their partner's to reassure them by making their partners feel bad.
Those who experience being clingy treat the relationship almost like a drug. You can't get enough of the other person - leading to obsession. This clinginess can apply to all relationships - friends, family, and partners!
The underlying trait is needing reassurance. This can either be physical (wanting them to always be with you) or emotional (needing them to respond to you all the time), or something else. It's the insecurity, fears, and desire for consistent reassurance that causes people to behave in an overbearing and "clingy" way.
Proximity Maintenance - We love hanging out with them and appreciate their company, but a degree of individuality is also important for a healthy attachment style. Someone with an anxious attachment style wants to be much closer to the other person and often feels like their feelings aren't being reciprocated with the same intensity.
"A partner can complete you, but they shouldn't define you."
Safe Haven - There's a pattern of relying on the other person as a a savior, and needing their help / assurance. It's good to have a Secure Base, but when you need them all the time and you require constant reassurance, then it becomes an unhealthy relationship. Social support is a good thing! However, becoming overdependent on a relationship isn't helpful - too much of a good thing can become a bad thing.
"Maybe when you can't enjoy yourself, then you become clingy?"
Secure Base - the higher your self esteem, the more able you are to create stable and healthy relationships!
Separation Distress - it's okay to miss someone when they're gone, and it's important to be able to deal with their absence in a healthy way. It's about reassurance.
STABLE: missing the other person but knowing that they miss you too.
CLINGY: missing the other person but NEEDING REASSURANCE that they miss you as well. Same with trust!
Stable is trusting the other person.
Clingy is needing constant reassurance that you are correct in trusting them.
Overcoming Attachment Anxiety
1: Having a strong social support network. If you have multiple friends who you can rely on it's easier than having only one friend. Same deal on 7 Cups! Having multiple listeners can be extremely helpful.
2: Start by loving yourself and developing self-esteem! You can learn to love others after you learn to love yourself.
3: Letting go! You'll have insecurities, resentments, fears - but it's better to let them go rather than holding on to them.
4: Find things you're interested in! It's easy to be clingy when you have time but if you're constantly busy then you don't have as much time to ruminate!
Discussion Transcript
LETS GET STARTED! When you think of someone who comes off as clingy, what are some personality and character traits that you think this person has? Heres a few that I wanted to highlight and see how many of you agree.
1: having dysfunctional styles of negotiation (aka playing manipulative games, or shutting the other person out, etc).
2: hypersensitive to possible signs of rejection from partners.
3: not assertive in listing their own needs (going with what the other person says rather than saying I dont like that for example).
Do you agree that these 3 traits are common in anxiously attached individuals? Are there more that you would add?
--I agree with all three because I've seen all three in different situations.
--Here a weird studied that I readied. When you have a crush on someone, your brain overlooks and ignores the flaws of that person causing them to appear "perfect"
--I would like to add that being clingy is associated with possessiveness of the other partner
--Idk I think Im clingy but Im not possessive at all. And I'm direct about what I need for most.
--Clingy can be associated with a whiny person who always wants your time to be used for them
--My good friend is EXTREMELY clingy with guy's she dates. She's very insecure and needs constant reassurance. Idk if anyone else experiences that too.
--I think it can be associated to loneliness as well like when you are lonely you rely on your partner all the time
--Can't clingy also be associated with overly passive behavior? Not able to let go of someone even though you're in an abusive relationship and constantly trying to keep them from leaving you? I'm just wondering. I know I'm probably wrong.
--An anxious person just can't wait to see you again. A clingy person makes you take time from anything else to see them.
Psychologist John Bowlbys attachment theory divides attachment into four characteristics. The first is Proximity Maintenance - the desire to be near the people we are attached to. What do you think is the difference between someone who is Anxious (Clingy) and someone who is Stable in terms of Proximity Maintenance?
--Errr...I think being close is nice if both parties are enjoying each other's company...but then if one person really craves closeness and the other person is uncomfortable, then there is a problem
--To me... proximity maintenance is natural, healthy desire where clingy is unhealthy because it tends to lead to obsession
--I think someone who is stable will have the desire to be with their attached person but can function very well if that is not possible. Someone who is clingy to me will exhibit a short temper and moodiness at the inability to be with their person. Sort of like a person coming of a drug high
--Like, hanging out a lot and being in each other's company frequently is fine...but if someone wants to live their own life and be in the company of other people(family, friends) and their partner is keeping them from doing so, that's not stable
--I need reassurance so I feel clingy. But function without him. And never would try to let him be with others
--I'm not clingy with guys but I can get clingy with friends.
--Clinginess can really happen in almost any interpersonal context
The second characteristic of Bowbys attachment theory is Safe Haven - returning to the attachment figure for comfort and safety in the face of a fear or threat. We all seek comfort from time to time from our friends or partner(s) when were going through tough times. What do you think makes someone too overdependent and come off as clingy compared to someone who doesnt?
--I find that proximity maintenance fir me is at it's most evident when my own life is busy. the more time I have on my hands the more I lose that stability and go into clingy zone
--Someone only having a single source of safety and needing it very often from that one source
--I've only been clingy with my current. But he is my safe harbor and he encourages it.
--Hmm...if it's a habit of freaking out over similar things and running to your partner all the time, that is kinda clingy...like the boy who cried wolf
--Needing constant reassurance that they're loved
--I think someone becomes over dependent when they convince themselves that that one person or group of people can save them.
--Maybe when you can't enjoy yourself, then you become clingy?
--Running to someone like they are your savior is a bad thing if you do it all the time...but it doesnt mean that we never need reassurance or some saving from our partners.
--Ideally, we should get comfort from people we're close to but we should also self-soothe
--Yes, I lack trust in people because I never know when they're going to walk out of my life
-- And when someone is really cool and I like them, I overexert myself and become clingy and scare the person away
--The clinging is sometimes also a rejection/attachment cycle type thing. Where the clingy person clings harder and harder to see if the safe person will push them away or fully accept them
--I have never thought of it as clingy but i have always wondered why people push each other away to test loyalty. Honestly it is exhausting especially in adulthood. If you want me just say so and i will be there.
-- Another type of clinginess that I experienced myself is that I "overinvested" myself in that person. Meaning, I shower them with attention, help, gifts, etc.
--It seems maybe an issue when it is not healthy for the person or the relationship. And when the clinging is an issue of lack of trust?
--We can push them away as a way to protect them from what malice we can cause lol
--I think it starts with the first attachment figure you are first in contact with.... your parents. I see a pattern that people who come from a non-stable up bringing tend to be 'clingy' or have anxiety versus those who grew up in a stable home
--I grew up neglected and lonely and it makes sense that when I grow close to someone, I become clingy and want their attention...since I lacked that from my own parents growing up
The third characteristic of Bowbys attachment theory is Secure Base - the attachment figure acts as a base of security from which the child can explore the surrounding environment. This is often linked with self-esteem because those who can explore without self-doubt are likely to be more confident. On average, how self-confident are Anxiously Attached individuals compared to Stable Attached individuals? Is there a trend or is it random?
--Anxiously attached individuals have less self confidence
--I definitely think that people who are anxiously attached have low self confidence
--In my opinion they are related. The more confident you are the more stable in your own self you are
--So you mean people secure in themselves and their relationship to go out on their own and be happy their partner goes out without them.
--When I am feeling good about myself, it is easier for me to be stable in my relationships and in myself
--My bf is very much my secure base. Even when he's not around I'm more confident knowing that he has my back
--I think the more secure with yourself the less clingy your are to your partner. The more you see the line between having a healthy amount of time together and having a smothering amount of time.
--Anxiously attached have anxious self confident. Sometimes they feel like they are confident when they're around safe people but can drop down if there are triggers or situations where they feel threatened..
The last characteristic of Bowbys attachment theory is Separation Distress - anxiety that occurs in the absence of the attachment figure. This is sort of the other side of Proximity Maintenance. Two questions! First, what is a healthy response to when someone is separated from you? And what is a clingy response to when someone is separated from you?
--That is a hard question because I think it can depend on the couple.
--Anxious: questioning self worth when they are away, constantly checking on them..
--Healthy: carry on as normal even if you really miss them...Clingy:24/7 pestering them, moping when they're not around
--A healthy response is trusting the other person when they're not with you.
--Clingy is wondering if they're cheating on you. Wanting to have them check in.
--Healthy is letting the person go be who they need to be regardless of the outcome on your relationship. Trusting that you will be okay. Clingy is the world ending and just not processing and accepting the void
--I worry that if the other person doesn't text right away that they're unhappy with what I say instead that people are busy and can't respond right away. That's clingy.
--I think it's fine to miss the person when separated but you have to be able to let go.
--I think there is a difference between just missing someone and becoming clingy about it
--A clingy response is trying to stop them going, by making them feel bad, constantly questioning why they're leaving, needing them back asap, etc
--A clingy person expects the other one to be ther whenever they need. They also find it difficult to let them go.
--I don't know...I get really sad when my husband has to be away and we talk on the phone all the time. But I do not consider it unhealthy. There is a thin line when it has to do with that sort of thing
--I always think of my kids on the first day of school. They're nervous, and hold tight to my hand but then get into the class by themselves and have a great time. And don't freak out because I'm not there.
--Thing is not one can give you that reassurance. Trusting is taking a leap of faith. We all think we can be trusted but sometimes life throws curveballs
Final question! (This is only a small part, I'll host a whole discussion on overcoming being clingy btw). What are some things that are important in overcoming clinginess?
--Finding multiple sources of safety so that at least you can spread the load around
--Building your own self worth/self esteem.
--I curb the clingy by having a code word. When I say it he reassures me. And I don't abuse the word
--Learning and appreciating time for yourself.
--Keeping busy with hobbies and being happy on your own to not be clingy.
--Good self-esteem. Learning to letting go. Occupying yourself with other activities and not being overdependent.
--Knowing who you are and trusting yourself
--Learning not to reach out for that reassurance even if you feel you want to
--Learn to love yourself. Don't expect to always receive from others what you give them.
--There is a quote which says "No matter how much i care, some people just don't care back and it's not the end of the world"
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