Characteristics of a Stable Attachment Style Discussion [Attachment Series 1]
AdVictoriam
August 14th, 2015
Hi all! This is our first discussion in a series dealing with Characteristics of Attachment. The intent of the Attachment Series to help everyone understand different between a stable attachment style and an unstable anxiety-attachment style or unstable avoidant-attachment style. Most of us know someone (maybe it's ourselves) who is known as "clingy" or "cold" and it's helpful to understand why this perception might happen.
Attachment Series 1: Characteristics of a Stable Attachment Style
Here are some takeaways I found during our discussion and from background reading!
Proximity Maintenance - it's healthy to miss someone who's away (either a friend or a loved one). We want to be both physically and emotionally close to someone we are attached to. We love hanging out with them and appreciate their company, but a degree of individuality is also important for a healthy attachment style.
"A partner can complete you, but they shouldn't define you."
Safe Haven - social support, friends and loved ones you can rely on, is an incredibly helpful tool for keeping yourself feeling well mentally and emotionally. Having too few friends can cause us to over-rely on them and become "needy" but at the same time, not sharing anything with others and trying to deal with everything by ourselves can push people away. It's also not easy to do everything ourselves.
Secure Base - related to Proximity Maintenance, having our own self-esteem is really important! Friends and partners can help us feel better, but we can't allow this to substitute for having our own self-esteem.
Separation Distress - it's okay to miss someone when they're gone, and it's important to be able to deal with their absence in a healthy way. Communicating and setting expectations is key here.
Here are two charts to help bring some graphics:
Discussion Transcript
Hi everyone, welcome to this weeks guided discussion regarding attachment styles. Todays discussion deals with a stable/secure attachment style and what characteristics make up this attachment style. You can find more information here goo.gl/d8DJYs if youre interested in learning more after this discussion!
Lets get started! When you think of someone who has healthy relationships (friends, family, romantic partners), what are some characteristics and personality that you think this person has? What are some traits that people who make healthy relationships have in common (if any)?
--Personally Ad. My mom and step dad have a great relationship, they joke around and are able to laugh
--I think of trust and compassion when I think of those healthy relationships attachments as well as an overall open mindedness and willingness to communicate
--A sense of humor is so major for a healthy, happy relationship
--I know my grandparents have much trust, and are able to joke with each other. i see humor as a consistent factor in healthy relationships
The first is Proximity Maintenance - the desire to be near the people we are attached to. Too much proximity can make us seem clingy yet too little proximity can make use seem detached. What are some characteristics of the Proximity Maintenance? What does the desire to be near the people we are attached to mean to you?
--Well I feel when I'm not near my boyfriend, I want to be around him more. So it helps to be away for a while because as they say "distance makes the heart grow fonder"
--Be near to them, it's very simple, not only by physical but also emotions
--I have an LDR and sometimes when apart I worry if the distance is too much. However, being together makes me realize we never skip a beat.
--So Proximity Maintenance is definitely an issue for me. I have been called "clingy" in the past b/c i desire that closeness so much... I have had to learn to give others space and also to become comfortable in my own space which helps a lot with being "clingy". all things in moderation
--Stable attachment is when you appreciate time spent apart to fulfill the needs of other aspects in your life that don't include that person
--I'm a firm believer that we must maintain our individuality although in a relationship Because if things go wrong, you're your own best friend at the end of the day
--Love yourself first before love others
--You should want a partner to supplement you. Not complete you
--I constantly make it a point to spend time alone. To nurture my own thoughts and happiness. I love those times just as much as I do when I am with my husband or niece or siblings.
--Well my bf attended college in [USA State], me in [Other USA State]. I think I liked the long distance because it allowed us to fulfill our college experience- study, meet friends, learn what its like to live on our own apart
--We supported each other through the college experience, but realized we both kept our own experience as well which was great
--Having your own lives and keeping busy stops you from being clingy. I know this because I have been clingy as *** in my boredom. Poor man
define you shouldnt--I think a person can complete you, but they
The second characteristic of Bowbys attachment theory is Safe Haven - returning to the attachment figure for comfort and safety in the face of a fear or threat. Many of us have experienced someone pushing people away when dealing with a problem. At the same time, some people may over-rely on their friends or partner (going back to the clingy description). What is a good balance? How should we reach out when we feel fear or threatened?
[I'm sorry, I didn't ask this question and glossed over it. If you have any insight, please do share]
The third characteristic of Bowbys attachment theory is Secure Base - the attachment figure acts as a base of security from which the child can explore the surrounding environment. This is often linked with self-esteem because those who can explore without self-doubt are likely to be more confident. How much do you think self-esteem matters in forming healthy relationships with others?
. I don't feel useless and emptyKalli. When he's gone, I feel comfortable just being Kalli--Like when I'm with Nick... I feel like Nick and
--I think if you have a lower self esteem, you feel less important and less confident, so trust seems to suffer (I was like that). You feel your SO might be able to find someone better
--Well I don't have much self-esteem and I know my boyfriend made me feel better about myself and I feel like we got closer
--I feel like my parents rejecting some of my emotions as a child definitely impacted my emotional stability and self esteem. we learn about love and relationships from our parents and when they dont provide that foundation- we end up having to build that on our own
--I think it matters a lot , because if you don't have good self esteem and youre insecure about almost anything , it kills the good relationship u have with ur partner and the people around you
--For me there is always a level of emptiness for the first week and then I get back into the groove of my life and it refocuses me but there is definitely an emptiness when Kevin leaves or I do.
--To an extent, my bf has made me feel better, but to upkeep that I had to work on me
--In my case Im always insecure about a lot of things and that's because of my BF
--I so agree Katie, you have to build that within yourself b/c if your parents didn't build it for you- no one else will ever really give you that. it has to be a foundation you build inside yourself that no one can shake. People can certainly add to it though
--Yes. I can honestly say I've been ok at the end of break ups I've had in the past because i kept a sense of my independence and took care of my own needs. I always keep myself a priority. Of course its ok to be heartbroken and hurt at the end of a relationship- but the most important relationship you have is with yourself
--If you cant love yourself/respect yourself, how can someone else?
--Everyone needs to have self-esteem, we need to know our values so we can know what we deserve
The last characteristic of Bowbys attachment theory is Separation Distress - anxiety that occurs in the absence of the attachment figure. What do you think is a healthy amount of anxiety when someone we are attached to is gone?
--I think getting mildly upset is okay, obviously you miss them, but you shouldnt call their phone 20+ times
--A healthy amount of anxiety is being able to communicate with your partner that you miss them- to let it be known that you enjoy and value their presence.
--That is a tough one to answer @vic. I usually become a recluse and cry for a good week. Then I put my big girl panties on carry on with life but I make it a point to not bother then with how much I miss them.
--That is probably the element of attachment I identify with most- I think it all goes back to the other elements, that we have to est a relationship with ourselves outside of that relationship as well as nurture the other friendships in our lives so that we can alleviate any sense of "anxiety" while away, but rather develop a healthy sense of missing them, while also knowing we will see them again soon and it is okay to proceed, happily, while we are away from their side
--I would be lying if I said I didnt burst into tears either leaving the airport in Florida or dropping Nick off. But its always a see you later, and a respect that we have other things that need to be attended to in our lives
--Yes, me and my boyfriend see each other only once a week, its hard, usually we talk a lot, try and communicate but it is hard, I tend to cry maybe once a week. Usually on wed because I miss him, but then I suck it up and just talk to him about it
--I can honestly say Skype is god's gift to earth
--I once got a message from my boyfriend in the middle of the night saying he missed me, its stuff like that that makes you less anxious and smile
--@advic wechat just like whatsapp or viber, you can leave voice notes or even videos yes J
To put all of this together! Characteristics of secure attachment styles in adults include these four traits: 1) having trusting, lasting relationships; 2) tending to have high self-esteem; 3) are comfortable sharing feelings with
friends and partners; 4) seek out social support. What are some other traits that you would add to this list (if any)?
into words every once in a while, at least to show you care... especially when they know that's how it gets across to the other person that you care about them.--I guess sometimes it seems like if you really love someone a lot, you can put it
thing back. That's not being sincere and genuine, and you get hurt a lot in the end.--My recipe: never do something because you expect the other would do a certain
--Love is give not take so when you truly love someone you wont count how much you have back from the other
--I guess my biggest advice that I always give in this room is to not play games with the other
--Don't play the get revenge, are you jealous yet?, test them to see if they love you game, communicate it. No manipulating them to do it or games as Keys said.--Love is give and take for me, but if you want something from the others, just ask them.
@KeysGirl27 @KatieJ @Zax89 @bdishman @SelenoPsych21 @Rosalinas
@kdog334 @sillyRabbit @Caringpotato @Lpmae @SoundofSpace @chloidynate
@AppleWinchester @NatureAndAlgorithm @ColourfulClarity @GayatriRajapatni
@OppositeOfPossessive2 @happysunday @NatureAndAlgorithm @TrishLives17
Annie
August 14th, 2015
@AdVictoriam, What a great discussion -- so sorry I missed it!
SelenoPsych21
August 14th, 2015
@wideopenears
Great discussion!
kdog334
August 15th, 2015
Thanks for all the time and effort you have put into this discussion, and writing up this transcript!!!! It was an awesome and very insightful read! :D
Anomalia
August 20th, 2015
Sounds like it was a really great discussion! Sorry to have missed it!