How to support depressed partner who has shut down from everyone, during the pandemic?
Hi everyone - new here.
A bit of context, but i'll try to keep it brief. My partner (27M) has suffered from clinical depression for the last four years of our six year relationship. He has tried many different things, but after a run of about 6 'good' months has stopped seeking professional help. I noticed the signs about a month ago of depression creeping back in (lack of joy in anything, becoming increasingly irritable, not responding to messages). I work half the week away, half the week at home, and usually can lift him up at weekends, but lockdown came into force before I could get back to our second home. I have housemates, whereas he is all alone, isolated (a massive trigger for him) and it has affected his job, so effectively he has nothing to do. He is now firmly in the grips of a depressive episode.
When depressed, he shuts himself off from everyone. I think partly because he thinks he's a burden, he doesn't want people to see him like this, and also because speaking to people reminds him of how down, bored, and irritable he perceives himself to be (not how myself and his family see it, but then again, depression tells you you're a horrible person. Why would others want to hang out with you?). He won't answer messages, or at least engage properly, and has told everyone (except me) that his internet is down (i.e. excuse not to engage).
A positive is that he will answer my calls. I know enough about depression now to not take his mood personally, but I struggle in how to best communicate. He refuses to talk about how he truly feels, and gets angry if i ask. He has told me not to ask him anything about him, and so i just talk about my day (he engages little with this, sometimes sounds jealous that I've still got things going on, or just says nothing at all). But, I don't want him to think I don't care, am not interested in him, or make him feel worse about his current situation. But equally, I want him to know I'm there. I asked him which worked best - messages or calls, and he said calls because he liked to hear my voice (a positive). So I call, every other day, sometimes for just ten minutes, sometimes for longer. But it's never a two-way conversation.
Does anyone have any advice on this? Should I continue to tell him little tidbits about my day, mundane things, normality etc., or should i be gently probing about his condition and encouraging to get help?
Thanks. Depression is hard enough to navigate, least of all when you've been forceably seperated due to a pandemic! Any support would be appreciated x
@gregariousKite6323
We all wish there was a solution for us depressives...he is lucky tohave your devotion since a friend of depression is loneliness and isolation...he might avoid you since no longer takes care of personal appearance or because of lack of wit in conversations (mind shutdown)...it is hard, I wish I could tell you what to do to help him but it seems, us major depressives are hopeless even when offered devoted love and attention and affection we no longer feel we deserve it...
@OldSerendipityBoat thanks for replying, I appreciate it :) I know there is no simple solution, and there is nothing much I can do except reassure and encourage. I also fully understand the feeling of not being deserving of the patience and love, when you are so down on yourself.
I truly don't believe this is a hopeless or lost cause type situation - he's just lost somewhere in the fog and my voice sounds weird and distorted. Only he can find his way out of it, and just have to trust he will.
Take care x
@gregariousKite6323
Again he is lucky to have you, I wish only well for the both of you🤗😊...
A lost cause...😔
I'm sorry to hear that and also that you and your friend are struggling throughout this. it is and definitely tough battle.
I'm guilty of it myself and I dont have any answers to it. But maybe what comes to mind and that i could suggest is that you do your best that you can to be present with him. Or like you mentioned, just a simple short call daily or bi-daily. (It is also great to hear that you are respecting his wishes and giving him space) it will be good to keep some form of communication and active-ness.
Take care.
@mikenai22 thanks for taking the time to reply, and it's reassuring, in a odd way, that others experience this. It took me a long time, and lots of practice, to be able to seperate the symptoms from the person, and it's especially hard when you're apart from each other.
I keep the conversation light mostly, but sometimes offer gentle encouragement. He ventured the other day that he didn't want to talk about big things because he was scared of tipping into madness. I said I got where he was coming from, and that's okay, but as long as he isn't squashing those feelings down and has the occasional outlet. It's a hard balance between being like "hey! I know how you feel! (when I obviously don't)", giving advice that may be unwarranted, and encouraging positive actions. It's also difficult to know what the right Qs are to ask, and when to ask them.
I guess for now the whole world is in limbo, so expecting anything is fruitless.
Thanks x
@gregariousKite6323
thanks for taking the time to reply, and it's reassuring, in a odd way, that others experience this. It took me a long time, and lots of practice, to be able to seperate the symptoms from the person, and it's especially hard when you're apart from each other.
It takes time, effort, trial and errors, tough moments, experiences, hurt and moments to get to the right stuffs. And more importantly, everyone's kinda different in their own ways. Plus everyone's needs and wants are different.
So glad that you understand it. Bet the path aint easy for you.
I keep the conversation light mostly, but sometimes offer gentle encouragement. He ventured the other day that he didn't want to talk about big things because he was scared of tipping into madness. I said I got where he was coming from, and that's okay, but as long as he isn't squashing those feelings down and has the occasional outlet. It's a hard balance between being like "hey! I know how you feel! (when I obviously don't)", giving advice that may be unwarranted, and encouraging positive actions. It's also difficult to know what the right Qs are to ask, and when to ask them.
Sometimes little talks (or pep talks whatever its called) or some form of showing or act like "I'm here", "its ok if you dont wanna talk" or "siding with him/her, even when one don't understand though we say the other", often and/or might aid or push or give that some bit of encouragement or support to the sufferer. I too know that this form of treatment or trying to push a carrot stick to them (or myself) aint a good solution nor treatment in the long run, as it might just lead to laziness or procrastination or whatever...
But there are just moments where things are just so hard to pass. And these kind of acts, sometimes just helps. - Wished somehow my parents could have comprehend it.
Yea, the moment the questions the location are kinda of a sensitive thing. Have to play by judgement most of the time. But don't be discouraged if it did not turn out right.
I guess for now the whole world is in limbo, so expecting anything is fruitless.
Thanks
Do Take Care of yourself and your friend along with your closed ones.
@mikenai22
Thanks again - I can't express how much of a comfort it is to talk openly and not be judged. I especially appreciate you drawing on your own experience. I've never gone through depression myself, but my family has a history of mental illness so quite early on I learned some key things through them . It is still incredibly helpful to learn through others who can voice how it feels.
I struggle with being there, and taking time for myself to 'recharge' my batteries. Currently, I feel a little bad. Early last week I recieved some very worrying messages - to which I offered support and that I was there - followed by silence, which was incredibly stressful. His family have a kind of party every weekend, and he was meant to host this time - he wouldn't respond, leading them to ask me what was going on (they don't fully know, although i think they know more than they let on - but still, I cannot tell them fully he is in a depressive episode). It's a lot of pressure. Then suddenly, out of the blue, about ten minutes before the "party" he sends us all an invitation. I just couldn't do it, I couldn't pretend and watch him put on a facade and have to pretend everything is normal, and we're a happy couple. I just said I'd made other plans. I knew that if I watched this, I'd spend all night trying to wrap my brain around the version of himself he puts on to the world, and the one that only I see. I feel as though I'm making it up, being over-dramatic, even though I know this isn't the case. And he keeps asking me why I cancelled, and I told him I just need some space and not to worry. I didn't say why. I can't tell him, because it will just make him angry and frustrated with himself.
Last time I got upset when we were physically together (I think he'd snapped at me for something trivial) I tried to explain I got the irritability wasn't directed at me, but it didn't stop it from stinging. He then spiralled, saying he was a miserable bastard and was fucked up, and that I'd be better off without him. I calmly told him this wasn't the case - it's normal to get upset sometimes, we're not perfect. But he totally turned it on himself, and now I'm stuck with the decision to tell him why I need space, or whether just to take it, get perspective, and let it be.
I know when I feel like this it's because I need some mental space from worrying, if that makes sense? Because if I don't, I bottle it up and then feel resentment, and I can't be patient and understanding. I guess giving myself permission to put myself first from time to time is okay too. I already feel better after a few days of looking after myself.
Sorry for the rant, this seems to have become my space to release! I don't expect a reply, but just know I appreciate what you've said already :)
@gregariousKite6323
Thanks again - I can't express how much of a comfort it is to talk openly and not be judged. I especially appreciate you drawing on your own experience. I've never gone through depression myself, but my family has a history of mental illness so quite early on I learned some key things through them . It is still incredibly helpful to learn through others who can voice how it feels.
Don't mention Kite. Feel free whenever you are ready and ok. Don't have to force yourself. Nor restrict. Just dont' hurt yourself and/if possible accidently hurt others with intent... (or any of 7cup's policy regulations). I see that it had been a tough journey for your family and yourself too. Well, experiences are sure useful. and something to keep in mind is also to not copy-paste a solution to every individual. Everyone's different and may need their own space.
I struggle with being there, and taking time for myself to 'recharge' my batteries. Currently, I feel a little bad. Early last week I recieved some very worrying messages - to which I offered support and that I was there - followed by silence, which was incredibly stressful. His family have a kind of party every weekend, and he was meant to host this time - he wouldn't respond, leading them to ask me what was going on (they don't fully know, although i think they know more than they let on - but still, I cannot tell them fully he is in a depressive episode). It's a lot of pressure. Then suddenly, out of the blue, about ten minutes before the "party" he sends us all an invitation. I just couldn't do it, I couldn't pretend and watch him put on a facade and have to pretend everything is normal, and we're a happy couple. I just said I'd made other plans. I knew that if I watched this, I'd spend all night trying to wrap my brain around the version of himself he puts on to the world, and the one that only I see. I feel as though I'm making it up, being over-dramatic, even though I know this isn't the case. And he keeps asking me why I cancelled, and I told him I just need some space and not to worry. I didn't say why. I can't tell him, because it will just make him angry and frustrated with himself.
This is another common thing that i often faced. And I often feel guilty about. Yet i struggle to show/tell my thoughts and feelings out. In the thought and worry that i accidentaly hurt, offend, disrespect (i.e. elders or seniority, etc.) or any sorts to others.
I understand it aint easy to go through this process. I dont have a solution and fix for this either.
Only thing I can share with you is this, I'm kind of trying to remind myself at times, although i often forget. (MOST IMPORTANT - Yourself first, then others. Dont put the whole's world problem on your shoulder. Its ok even if you dont' accept, use, try, take my advice, its just an opinion from me.)
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Try to give yourself a chance, give yourself a space, whenever needed. Nothing's mandatory. More importantly, live the present moment. Ask yourself during that instance. Do i want to do it? Do i want to attend? Any particular reason that pushes me to want it? Yes there are conditions sometimes that unfortunately forces us to do stuffs - For that... perhaps this will be challenging to implement. If not otherwise, if you need that break/space. Just say sorry you cant. People understand. Even if they dont, just say that you explain another time. Even if they frustrate or whatever sorts. It is way better than damaging yourself first (or perhaps consolidated for a long time since way back...) - i can imagine myself holding grudges way back since young, and some till now its not let'ten go yet.
I remember you mentioned, your'e trying to support your friend. Well that is good intent, but if like both are injured... How to even help each other. So whenever you're ready. Otherwise... you know. Yea.
Last time I got upset when we were physically together (I think he'd snapped at me for something trivial) I tried to explain I got the irritability wasn't directed at me, but it didn't stop it from stinging. He then spiralled, saying he was a miserable bastard and was fucked up, and that I'd be better off without him. I calmly told him this wasn't the case - it's normal to get upset sometimes, we're not perfect. But he totally turned it on himself, and now I'm stuck with the decision to tell him why I need space, or whether just to take it, get perspective, and let it be.
When one (I) is in very low moods. We tend to throw vent whatever to anyone even self-blame (or self-hurt mentally). It might accidentally cloud our mind with reality and truth till one (I) become so narrow-minded to one's (I) believe. Even when others try to reason. Nothing will register.
For me, i duno about others, I realised when I am alone or peace time, whenever "awake" alone. with no noise. is when i reflect and realised. Wow. what a "f'ed" I was and start to regret.
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Even for your decision to tell or not, i understand the difficulty to take either decision. I dont have the best answer. But only to suggest that there are pros/cons to each. Most important is when you're ready to tell, and be ready to accept any outcome. Not to expect that otherself will accept or not. - Word in red. I always forget.
I know when I feel like this it's because I need some mental space from worrying, if that makes sense? Because if I don't, I bottle it up and then feel resentment, and I can't be patient and understanding. I guess giving myself permission to put myself first from time to time is okay too. I already feel better after a few days of looking after myself.
Yes. But mental space I noticed it aint easy to get. Even if you thrown me to isolation space. I realised not everytime it will work. Its like only certain moments in certain times where i can truly reflect. Dont beat yourself over it. - Be present mindfully whenever possible. Take the days off whenever you need. Come back and fight the war again in better stronger recovered health.
More importantly - Its ok even if its forgotten. No one's perfect (screw... me... typing this when i'm guilty since young)
Just one little side note - I dont know about procrastination. I feel i am this type actually. A perfectionist hidden ruminating fearful undecisive procrastinator kinda. and it is damaging. Just becareful to not let the self-care dwell into dark holes where it is difficult to recover from.
Sorry for the rant, this seems to have become my space to release! I don't expect a reply, but just know I appreciate what you've said already :)
Hey, Dont worry about it. this is your space. Use it well and how you see fit - so long it does not flout 7cups' policy and guidelines. Most importantly is that you stay safe and care for your self as utmost priority. Then work on spreading out later.
Nice to hear your appreciation. Take care of yourself kite and then your friend too when you're stronger.
@mikenai22
Thank you for your insights. It is really important not to 'expect' anything of one another during this time, and try to be kind. And also to remember there is often nothing I can do.
I chose not to tell him why i didn't attend the party, but he is still upset. He feels i am annoyed with him, and deliberately knocking his confidence when he has tried to make an effort. I have done anything but. He sounds very trapped in his own head, with nothing but negative thoughts. I don't quite know how to get him to see that my actions were not trying to make him feel this way, but protect myself and him. I was even messaging him during this time, so that it didn't seem strange.
As you mentioned in your previous post, this does happen, and often you are convinced this is reality. Nothing I say will convince him otherwise. I think I need some other kind of support - I am considering reaching out to a family member or mutual friend. I think he needs help, but I don't think I'm going to be able to persuade him without support
@gregariousKite6323
Thank you for your insights. It is really important not to 'expect' anything of one another during this time, and try to be kind. And also to remember there is often nothing I can do.
Don't worry about it.
Exactly kite. You're sensibly right about it. Especially in this period of difficult times. No matter how hard things goes or trumtum one throws, if the other can somehow maintain composure and be kindful to let go of. It is definitely great. However does not mean oneself (other) just continue to bottle up the sorrows. Aint' great for mental well being either.
Well regards to "nothing". Try not to shoulder everything to yourself. No one's perfect in every single aspect of life. Maybe the minor few I don't know to be exact. But putting too much if not all obligations or responsibility on oneself aint healthy either.
I chose not to tell him why i didn't attend the party, but he is still upset. He feels i am annoyed with him, and deliberately knocking his confidence when he has tried to make an effort. I have done anything but. He sounds very trapped in his own head, with nothing but negative thoughts. I don't quite know how to get him to see that my actions were not trying to make him feel this way, but protect myself and him. I was even messaging him during this time, so that it didn't seem strange.
It is ok. It is either or decision, and we (you) have to move on from there based on the outcome. Its how oneself manage the outcome that matters.
Whether if your actions turn out fruitful or not, don't self-blame/hurt yourself. Most important you tried your best, and don't allow over-expectations to mess up your mind. You've chose a path, did what you could at that moment of time, that you believe was best. No one-solution fixes all thing.
As you mentioned in your previous post, this does happen, and often you are convinced this is reality. Nothing I say will convince him otherwise. I think I need some other kind of support - I am considering reaching out to a family member or mutual friend. I think he needs help, but I don't think I'm going to be able to persuade him without support
I am not good for providing advises nor solutions. - if not otherwise... i might be just at a better place now i guess.
Anyways, but reaching out, letting others know you need help in certain area - is always the first step in getting support.
Shouldering everything, trying to figure out everything when things are already so difficult or not progressing only... hurts. Well you may say that it will still progress and yield results eventually. But I dont really know when it is. So might as well, whenever possible reach out when you are comfortable or feel that there is a need to. Who knows what others can offer that you might not be able to come up or think of or capable of.
Lastly - I think you mentioned before, sometimes, oneself might only just need that peacetime to oneself. This is to indvidual and it might take days, weeks, months, years to reveal results.
Stay strong kite.
@gregariousKite6323
Sorry to hear it , my depressive episoides are very similar.
Usally for me....to get out of my depressive episoide I tend to write about why im so sad ( sometimes i dont have a reason of why im sad)
I say keep giving your partner encouragement! Make sure your partner know you love them!
I dont know why but whenever someone around me is depressed or..If I myself is depressed I like to like...give a mini speech. Inspiration tiny speech. Or leave random notes on qoutes about love scattered everywhere....I really hope this finds you well!
@happychan2006 thanks for the advice, I appreciate you taking the time to offer guidance :)
It's comforting to know that these symptoms are "normal" (whatever that means) and that I'm along the right lines. He did talk a little the other day about not wanting to face those feelings right now, but I did encourage him to find an outlet whenever he had space for it - whether that's me, or writing like you said.
For now i'll keep sending silly, light things. He knows I'm there.
Hope you're also well in these weird times x
@gregariousKite6323
Yea...Depression gets kind of weird. Its ok that he doesnt want to face his feelings immeadatly as long as he doesnt resort to self harm or suicide ( sorry for bringing that up!) Hes lucky to have someone who patient just like you! Its what your partner needs! Hope he gets out of his depressive episoide :)
@happychan2006 Don't apologise for bringing up tough subjects, it is something I have to think about, although at the moment I trust him to tell me if that is the case.
I hope so too. Thanks for your kind words x
@gregariousKite6323
No problem
bless you and your partners soul
<3
tough times always get better and theres always a way
