Self-Sabotaging
I have the absolute best boyfriend in the world. We've been dating for about a month. My last relationship caused a lot of emotional problems for me (it was borderline abusive-- I didn't realize how much damage it did until I got into this one). I basically feel like I'm not worthy of my boyfriend, and that I'm a nuisance, and I've straight up told him multiple times I think he should break up with me because he can do so much better and I'm not worth his time. Every time we discuss this, he sits there crying, saying over and over again "why won't you let me have you?" It breaks my heart every time. But I'm so deathly afraid I'm going to end up hurting him, or I'm going to be too emotionally draining on him and he's going to end up like me down the road. I don't want to break up with him. He is the sweetest soul. But I'm so scared that I'm going to hurt him. I'm basically trying to sabotage everything for myself without even letting him have a say. What do I do? Should I just go ahead and break up with him so he can move on with his life and find someone that actually deserves him?
@adventurousPine5840
I think maybe it's time to begin respecting his decision to be with you. He chose to be with you. We can control our own decisions and life choices but it's unfair to force other people's choices. When you are able to respect and accept his choice, it might make things better for both of you :) All the best.
@0m thank you, love ❤
I was pretty much in the same situation I couldn't understand why he chose me when there are so many others girls out there I would even ask him why me I don't get it. I just got over consumed with the thought that he didn't really like me because I don't like me that I just stopped texting him which I regret. If he's as great as you say I think I would at least try and see where the relationship goes because you might end up like me and regret your decision.
@sympathetic5745 thank you for your response, love. I really appreciate you ❤
@adventurousPine5840
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;
I have the absolute best boyfriend in the world. We've been dating for about a month. My last relationship caused a lot of emotional problems for me (it was borderline abusive-- I didn't realize how much damage it did until I got into this one). (This kind of tells me this is a behavior you also experienced growing up, so for you it felt normal behavior which lead to stay for a long time in this relationship) I basically feel like I'm not worthy of my boyfriend, (This was one of the messages you received growing up, and this is also how they made you feel so you internalized that and now you feel like you are not worthy of being loved or someone loving you) and that I'm a nuisance, (This is also how they made you feel growing up, you internalized this through how people behave with you and now it makes you feel like you are nuisance to everyone when you are not) and I've straight up told him multiple times I think he should break up with me because he can do so much better (You are scared and anxious, so you are trying to let him down easy since you don't feel good enough about things) and I'm not worth his time. (This is another message you received growing up, so now you feel like you are worth anyone time. I do think you are worth of anyone time, but its difficult to believe this when you have experienced hurt) Every time we discuss this, he sits there crying, saying over and over again "why won't you let me have you?" (His abandonment issues are being triggered here and he is feeling disconnected when he hears this kind of things)It breaks my heart every time. But I'm so deathly afraid I'm going to end up hurting him, (If you focus on "i don't want to hurt him", then your mind will hear it as "i will hurt him". Its so important to become aware of how you feel and thoughts because this will lead you to either sabotage or back away. I think that you have feelings for him, but your past is taking over and theres a chance you are not as comfortable with how good he treats you so this also will make you sabotage things) or I'm going to be too emotionally draining on him (This is another message you received growing up, so it was internalized and now you feel like you will be draining to everyone) and he's going to end up like me down the road. I don't want to break up with him. He is the sweetest soul. But I'm so scared that I'm going to hurt him. I'm basically trying to sabotage everything for myself without even letting him have a say. (I think you could be sabotaging things because you are afraid of getting hurt as well. If you were not treated well growing up or in relationships then you will feel thats love for you, but if they treat you differently such as loving and kindness then it will make you sabotage things because its not what you are used to and then you will want a way out of it) What do I do? Should I just go ahead and break up with him so he can move on with his life and find someone that actually deserves him? (It's up to you, if you love him then don't do that, but i do suggest you read what i mentioned very carefully)
@freshLight64 you are so accurate, I speak for myself but how do Pines and everyone else that suffers in relationships like this find a successful way to be content and accepting that they are loved. I have just sabotaged my third relationship in three decades by this same behaviour. You would think I would learn but at 45 it is only sinking in that I don't like myself much and don't expect others to far less to love me. I have pushed away everyone, family, friends and partners and now have no-one.
@adventurousPine5840 absolutely do not break up with him. Don't make the same mistake I have and after 7 years of doing what you are trying to do I drove away the kindest best relationship I could have wanted. Believe he is with you because you are an awesome person. Please don't throw this away, it's only been one month, build up your confidence and enjoy a loving relationship. You do deserve it.
