Signs of a Healthy Relationship
I've started this topic for a therapist who was having trouble posting to the general forums. I can edit it as needed for them.
@AffyAvo that is nice of you !
@TortueDesBois
Indeed it's nice, it's so lovely! :)
-CalmCoach (Counsellor A.J)
New Zealand based 7 Cups Therapist
HELLO! So...
I AM actually that Therapist (that AffyAvo just posted about). I joined in, in the Disability Support Group- and we had a productive "Group Therapy" moment, which I would like to share with you all-as a reminder on signs you're in a healthy relationship- or, whether or not you may need to reevaluate your own relationship.So here goes!
SIGNS YOURE IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP:
1. You can trust each other/ reply upon one another.
2. You can speak your mind without fear of anything. You don't feel like you are "walking on eggshells" so to speak.
3. You can be "Transparent" as in, be your true, raw and authentic self around the person and still be loved-flaws and all.
4. You can argue without it escalating to abuse. No name calling, no domestic violence (Physical or Mental) Two adults having opposing views Both people can freely apologise, and simply agree to disagree if a resolution cannot be reached.
5. You can be intimate with them- physically, sexually, emotionally and mentally- and trust the other person to protect and cherish this vulnerable side of you.
6. Your relationship is your "safe haven" or "safe place." You confide in them, and want to go to them first, to share both your joys and your difficulties-not coworkers at the bar over some drinks. For example, you want your partner to be the keeper of everything personal to you, and you trust them with this- and they have proven that they are trustworthy.
Can you say that you have these "Essential 6" in your relationship?
If not, do you think it's good for you to be around that person?
Love and care, as always-
-CalmCoach ( A.J )
from the little island called New Zealand.
:)
@CalmCoach. I am sorry I missed it
@CalmCoach Thank so much for sharing this information! It was really great chatting with you in the disability support room and I suspect many others will find this information useful!
@CalmCoach You actually mentiones all the things I would list If I were asked what I would be proud of in my relationship :) I am in a very happy and serious relationship and really glad all of your points apply to me <3 thank you for writing them out :) it gave me the strength Ineed to not give up on him, as he has to decide whether to stay with me.... or leave me to join his family on the other side of the globe :(
@Ladybug11
I'm really glad you liked it! :) It's nice to know as a Therapist here that people can appreciate it. And, my best wishes and the best of luck regarding you and your partner. I hope things work out nicely for you and you're happy with what happens! :)
Best of luck, and thank you!
CalmCoach (A.J)
7 Cups Therapist
:)
@CalmCoach Thank you for your wishes <3 means a lot to me :)
How long have you been working as a therapist now? because I have been thinking of becoming one too, in my second year of studying psychology atm and yeah so I am looking about what I could do with my degree :)
Do you like your job?
I am sorry if its inappropriate of me to ask you on here..
@Ladybug11
Hi Ladybug11, that's lovely to know! Thank you too, it gives me great joy, that you appreciate this :)
As for your first question-I started quite young, so I've been doing this for nearly 5 years now. Being a Counsellor is a very rewarding career. I honestly can't see myself doing anything else. I considered Psychiatric Nursing, but if I did that I would've had to travel across the other side of the country, so that wasn't possible. Plus, I envisaged a job I can take with me. And I just incorporate my medical background into what I do with clients anyway (as needed or requested) :)
As for you- Do you like your degree? You are in your 2nd year. Does it inspire you? Or ignite a flame or a passion within you? I come from New Zealand, so our qualification system is structured very, very differently. My life experience, (which was very full on and intense), gave me so, so much empathy for pain and human struggle/suffering.
As to your second question on whether I like my job- the answer is a big YES, YES, YES!!! :D I wont sugar coat, it can be challenging at times, there can be a lot of resistance in therapy- We do one half of the work, and the clients do the other. But when they don't do the work, it can become a little stagnant. They have to really want to change, to be motivated in process. And for us Counsellors-self care is really, really important too. We often overwork ourselves sometimes, so, as the saying goes- "You can't pour from an empty vessel"- it's like trying to run a car without any petrol/ gas in it. We can't be effective Counsellors if our own cup isn't full. So, we make sure we have our monthly clinical supervision, and time to recharge and get fresh perspectives from other Counsellors.
AND- when our clients have a breakthrough, or, you find you've helped a group of people AND a single individual at once like I did today in the Disability Support Room, or even one person- it's like a high, like a buzz- and it lasts all day! It feels AMAZING when our clients improve, and knowing that you've had a part in their improvement is such a huge privealige! If you have the heart, the motivation, the empathy, the knowledge, the compassion, the communication skills and interpersonal effectiveness, and ability to read between the lines- you can make a brilliant Clinician! :)
Happy Clients=Happy Counsellor!
It's an honour to be involved with people here, and I thank everyone who engages with me, because I appreciate it with my whole heart.
I hope I've given some insight to you, and, feel free to ask if you have any more questions! I'm very transparent and answer honestly, so you have my word :)
Bless!
-CalmCoach (A.J)
7 Cups Counsellor
New Zealand
@CalmCoach
CalmCoach, Thank you so so much for writing it all out to me :) I honestly just get really impatient with my degree at the moment, which is also a reason why I asked you those questions. I am not too interested in some of the things we study, what catches my attention is abnormal behaviour and their origin as I believe that we need more focus on the prevention of the formation of disorders these days. There are so many stressors in our daily lives that I am not even suprised over how many people get psychologically affected....
Yes Counselling is truly what I believe I could be good at, I am technically already using the skills you have listed daily to help out whomever I can and I truly think that It is what I was meant to do :) I can see how it must be a tough job too some times but it is so neccessary for people like you to be there for others and I want to become someone like you. I want to help them help themselves. Or help them become people with a stronger sense of self and confidence so that they can learn how to hande tough situations when they find themselves in a mess.
You mentioned how you also chose this job because you technically take it with you wherever you go, does that mean that you mainly work online? If so is it working for you well enough that you can sustain yourself with it? because that is one of my major worries, as much as I want to help others, I need to watch for myself too (as you mentioned). Would it be allowed to give you per pm an email address of mine or would you not be alright with that? I honestly dont want to step on anybodies toes here. But you love your job and I really want to become a Counsellor and thus want to know more about it. The internet can never tell as much as a specialist which is why I asked. But if that does not go okay with you then that is absolutely okay :)
Thank you again for your response! You already gave me so much insight!
Best Wishes,
Ladybug11
@Ladybug11
Hi there Ladybug! I've tried to send you this message multiple times, but my iPad Pro kept dying.
With regards feeling impatient with your degree- could you possibly give me a breakdown of what your current degree-involves? Is there a different degree that is more Counselling oriented than what you're doing right now?
I think what you said is really insightful regards today's world, the formation of disorders, abnormal psychology, helping people, counselling, etc. What you mentioned was very insightful indeed, and I do agree myself! Very nicely worded :D
Regards having a profession I can take with me- well, it's been a mix. For me, There's been Salvation Army Community Mininstries, (where its a role where you are in one place- behind a desk inside a building) -and then there's been Kindly, then there's been 7 Cups, where I can be travelling the world, on a plane, and still provide therapy to people. One is where I can't move and am behind a desk-the other, is where I can. (7 Cups)
One of your worries is around sustaining yourself- on 7 Cups, we are paid once per month. That would mean learning how to manage your money, spreading everything across 4 weeks. It's not a weekly pay job. And, there will be peaks and valleys regards income, especially if you're new to this. It takes a few months to get into the grove of this, and your caseload of clients will build over time- but it's a matter of client retention- some clients are just here for one month of support, others are long term therapy clients. And we cannot predict who will be who- so it's a hard question to answer even for me-because us Counsellors often don't have the answers ourselves. But on average, if you manage your money wisely, it can sustain you, depending on your lifestyle. Being wise with money going in and out, and patient regards your caseload, if doing this as your sole job- is crucial.
I wish I could get more specific/in depth for you via email as you mentioned, unfortunately I'm not allowed to interact with people via email address or social media handles of any kind, so I'm just here, trying to give you the best information I can, on a relatively limited platform. If we could email, we would be able to delve into the nitty gritty specifics, like earnings per month etc, but I must stay inside the rules that 7 Cups have stipulated, yet help you be as informed as you possibly can, which is what I'm doing. (Or trying, at least)
Feel free to reply with more questions and reach out to me if you have any other questions and to answer this message, I'd love to hear back from you!
CalmCoach (Counsellor A.J)
New Zealand based 7 Cups Therapist
:)
@CalmCoach
Hey there! I am really sorry for my late reply, I just got back to uni and had a rough start with getting things in my flat sorted. I want to thank you so much for all your answeres, they really did help me and allowed me to gain a lot of insight into your current job here etc. :) I really appreciate the fact that you are trying to tell me as much about it here as you can to help me out :) Thank you once again!
We are studying all sorts of things, yet because to most people they are still new we only touch on them on the surface, covering the basics. Basic Social, Cognitive and Biological psychology as well as Research methods. And all of these are important I know that but it gets frustrating after a while because once I work, I doubt I would have to remember the atkinson and Shriffrin model of memory... but yeah they believe I do so yay. I am trying to hold on and stay on, and I get good grades, but it is tiring and frustrating not to be able to do anything regarding counceling people.
But Ill just have to live through that :)
I hope you had a great christmas and new years! Thank you again for all your answers, I really appreciate :)
@CalmCoach Thank you so much for this list. I have read through it several times and find something new that jumps out at me everytime I look at it.
My question is:
Do you think it would be a good idea for me to share this list with my partner ?
My sincere thanks for your help and presence here.
@emotionalMaple9419
Hello em! I think it's a good idea to share with any partner-yes.
If they are a good partner- and you're in a healthy relationship, they will be eager to see this.
if they are a not-so-good partner, abusive etc, they may react with defensiveness. But, they may not, and also just remain neutral towards it.
Give it a go, and see what kind of reaction you get-their own reaction to it will tell you lots!
Best of luck, and thank you always! :D
@CalmCoach these are amazing! Thank you!
@warmheartedHuman2014
Thank you so much! :D
@CalmCoach Thanks for sharing the signs of a healthy relationship <3
@whimsicalLight43
Thank you heaps for your feedback, it's appreciated by me so very much! :)
Take Care :D
CalmCoach (Counsellor A.J)
New Zealand based 7 Cups Therapist
This is very informative. Thank you! :-)
@AJ76 heard you were looking for this and I showed up too late to give you the link at the time.
What a happy candy world it would be to be able to have all that is in the list. But sometimes the real world isn't that saccharine. Sometimes the best you can have is a healthy at-arms-length friendship, where you know what not to talk about (unless you want unnecessary heartache), but otherwise you still have someone there to talk to each day who at least most of the time is understanding.
@Phthalo I agree with that and we did discuss that a bit in the chat too. I think my husband and I are close to thise list - certainly not perfect with things to work on but overall pretty healthy.
I have other relationships that aren't. It doesn't mean I end them, it just means that I tread cautiously because of the unhealthy bits. Overall there's still a benefit to the relationship.
There are also those relationships where I don't have that close degree of trust simply because it's not a super close relationship. I simply don't know the issues that might exist if we were closer.
Wow I have a very unhealthy relationship, I want most of these things ,but my problem is my husband doesn't care, I have tried to talk to him, but with no success, I have always let him treat me with disrespect, now that I won't allow that anymore, he has ignored me and treats me like a roommate, I am hanging on by a thread, he has become so arrogant, rude and awful. I am most times at a loss for words, when I think it can't get any worse, he does something else to show me ,he can't possibly love me.
@jr50
It sounds like you're in a very unhealthy relationship, by what you've described. Please- believe that you deserve better! Please! Because you do! Nobody deserves to be treated like that. Have you considered leaving the relationship? (As hard as it may be to start off with).
CalmCoach (CounsellorA.J)
New Zealand based 7 Cups Therapist
@CalmCoach. Yes just recently I have made a decision to get my ducks in a row so that I am ready to go without regrets, it's tough , I don't work so have no money to leave, but I am going to weigh my options and Come up with the best decision for me and my children, thank you for your kind words, sometimes I forget I do deserve to be treated alot better
@jr50
Sounds like a plan- the very best of luck to you! Remember- that you deserve the best!
Well Wishes,
CalmCoach (Counsellor A.J)
I know that it can hurt alot when someone we have made a commitment to hurts us. It can be so disappointing to carefully approach our partner, having only the hope that we will reach an understanding and begin to experience loving feelings again. @jr50
@discouragedallthetime. I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster, but the good news is, I can get off very soon!
It's hard keeping a companion. My love relations last only 3 years and until now I always spent the last 2 doing an effort to keep loving what we have and what we have build.
But I think the thing that keep me longer is realy the challenge of growing together with someone.
Trust
Loyalty
Respect
Transparency
Caring
Loving
You must believe in the relationship. If you don't believe in it there's no point in having one. Also, love always comes first. No matter what your other half goes through, he or she will be greatly benefited in difficult times just by receiving love. Be open-minded and willing to commit, and accept each other for who you are because that is what love is. Have a nice day :)
Being honest to each other
Sighs of a healthy relationship
Emotions for each other doesnt fade into nothing :(