Am i the a**hole??
So i was living with my bf at his parents house for about 4 months until we saved up to have our own place. He’s the baby, it’s just him and his older brother who doesn’t live there but visits on the weekends. Their dad would be out of town Monday-Friday and his mother who is a house wife, no job would be there. Since my bf graduated from college(2020), it was only him and his mom in the house a majority of the time. Anyway, I went into work while he had a work from home job. I bought my toiletries, some food, and necessities like make up or just random things. His parents were very laid back and didn’t mind me staying.
We rented out a 1BR in Houston that is 1500 a month. No one helps us with rent. so once we moved out, his mother offered to buy some of our furniture like a couch, comforter set, curtains, etc. mind you, this obviously isn’t her money, it’s her husbands. And i get it, his money is her money, they’re married. So when it came to the couch, she didn’t ask much for my opinion. Just his. When it came to buying paintings to hang up on the wall, she wanted him to come with her to buy paintings, and i had to go out of my way to ask my bf to send pictures of the painting since i wasnt included in this mommy-and-son-paint-buying date. No one asked for my opinion. She bought us a rug that was too small according to HIM, in the living room. I thought it was fine. She offered to buy a bigger one. 2-3 weeks later I’m under the impression that we’re getting the same rug, but bigger, according to my bf, but instead he brings a completely different rug….that she bought.
this furniture buying behind my back and not asking me if i like it goes on 3 more times until i get frustrated. I get it, she went out of her way to spend her husbands money on us for our apartment but it’s all the things HE likes. I did tell him how i felt and he tells me, “it’s not your money” “your parents didn’t help” and i understand that but 5 times of not asking me if i like this piece of furniture before your mom buys it doesn’t cross yalls mind??? This is OUR apartment. I don’t want things in the apartment that only you like and no one is considering what i like? Does that make me ungrateful? For wanting the rug and comforter set sent back? Even when i didn’t ask for the furniture? They just impulse bought and mad because i didn’t like it or agree on it….even when i never asked for help on buying furniture.
im really upset because i checked his phone and saw his mother talking sh*t about me, calling me a *** and stating that my parents haven’t helped. Like i previously mentioned, i don’t need a rug that bad, i don’t need paintings that bad, i don’t need curtains that bad. As long as i have food and a bed, I’m good. All the fancy stuff comes later. I don’t like relying on ANYONE because ppl like to hold it over your head. Anyways, i check his phone, she calls me a ***, she says “i hope she has $400 dollars to buy another rug”, she says “well are her parents gonna buy her some furniture for the apartment?”. was it that deep for you to call me a ***? Talk about my parents? All you had to do was include me. Even though i still don’t care for material things, it is MY apartment. And we’re paying rent, if my name is on that lease, i don’t want to walk into my place looking at some random ugly a** rug that i never wanted.
my bf is a mommas boy, spoiled, and like i said, the youngest who has been under his moms wing and takes all of her advice and doesn’t think for himself at times. at the age of 25. No shade at all but i told him she wasn’t being all that considerate especially since she’s not the renter of the apartment i come to at the end of my day. I feel like I’m renting out her space. I feel like we’re in a throuple and not a couple. I feel like he cares about what his mom has to say and think over what i have to say or think.
but AITAH???
@decisiveCircle3395
I hear you. Perhaps it's not about the items, but how they proceeded in the purchase of those stuff? Let's say if those things were housewarming gifts from other people, would it hurts you to receive gifts that don't suit you?
You're definitely not an a*! Your irritation made sense. This situation happens a lot when a mother is unable to accept that her son is now a 1-package with his partner and later with their kids too. Calling you names are totally uncalled for.
Gratitude can be a motivation for someone's actions, but fear is a powerful motivator. What is the hidden fear that fuels her actions? That she's probably doesn't even realise it.
What made your partner not taking action to set boundaries with his mom?
I hope the conflict can be de-escalated soon for the greater good 🤍
@decisiveCircle3395 Nooooo you are not the a-hole!
@decisiveCircle3395
To answer your question - No, you are not.
As you mentioned, it was only him and his mom in the house a majority of the time. For him to leave her, leave her home, and move out to be with you is a huge step. Despite all her 1-1 furniture shopping trips, all her hundreds of $ and planning into furnishing your apartment, he comes home to you at the end of the day.
Repeatedly excluding you from the furniture decisions and trips provoked you into frustration and you ended up with an unpleasant moment where he says her words to you “it’s not your money” “your parents didn’t help”. In response, you think - ".....it doesn’t cross yalls mind???" Exactly. The flow of your thought in that moment was yalls (as in him and her being on the same side against you).
It's sad that you checked his phone. It's on him to figure out how he will be emotionally walking away from that home, the bond he has with his mother and how to build this new life with you. Definitely it isn't an easy walk for him, and maybe not for his mother too. However, their growing pains as they struggle through needn't be yours. It is on him to learn to draw the boundary where his mother cannot speak rubbish about you to him, which I hope he learns sooner rather than later.
Luckily, you don't much care for materialistic things or the rug or the couch whatever. If you treat it all as a backpack he's bringing with him when he left his home to come be with you, would you question what he chooses to pack? Would you blame his mother for stashing in a few comfort items? Would it be very difficult to just let him have the ugly rug until you both able to feel comfortable in your new life enough to laugh at it and just get a new one together? Who knows, maybe some years down the line you'll both have a secret joke about "that ugly rug" which the poor mother would never even know about!
Being on your own is hard even without others in the picture, and it helps to remember to build happy moments together, happy reminders of why you are both together building a new life.
Much strength to you!
@decisiveCircle3395
I am so sorry you’re going through this and I completely understand what you’re going through. I’ve dated momma’s boys before and am married to one. I’m going to apologize in advance for the advice I’m about to give.
From personal experience, what you’re describing sounds like a HUGE red flag for a possible long term relationship. Both on the part of your bf and his mom. It was nice of his parents to let you stay with them while you guys saved up, but that can sometimes also lead them to believe that they can treat you however they want and you have to take it out of gratitude. It also sounds like there’s two things going on. First, it sounds like your bf is leaving home for the first time and is used to a certain standard of living. If he’s letting his mom buy him everything, it’s possible he’s having trouble digesting the fact that he’s an adult now and needs to learn to take care of himself and his family. The ‘babies’ of the house always seem to take some time to learn this and while you may be open to helping him, it’s hard to say how long he’ll take to come to terms with it, if at all with all the meddling his mom seems to be doing. My uncle and aunt have been married 38 years and my uncle still hasn’t managed to grow up yet. Admittedly, my grandma lives with them and meddles a lot.
Now on to his mom:
Moms always seem to have trouble letting go of their youngest ones, especially when it comes to letting them grow up and take care of themselves or letting them have a life with their partner without trying to be possessive. It tends to be especially intense with moms and sons. I think everything his mom is doing is fueled by her need to be the most important person in her child’s life, probably the way it has been until now. I’m not saying she’s right, she’s clearly being very disrespectful to you by excluding you while buying stuff that is going to end up in your shared space and talking *** about you but it may be understandable. The real problem is that your bf doesn’t seem to think that anything his mom is doing is wrong or disrespectful to you, or that he needs to set some boundaries for her. If you’re not having problems in your relationship otherwise, this is especially alarming because if he’s okay with how his mom is acting with you now, when *** really hits the fan, your bf and his mom are probably going to gang up on you.
It might be a good idea to try to have an honest conversation with him about it all and how you feel about his mom, her actions, his actions, and what you think you deserve. It’s possible that he may get defensive about himself or his mom at first but hopefully he’ll understand your concerns and try to make changes. If he’s just shutting you down or not willing to listen at all to your concerns, you might want to seriously consider what you’re hoping to get out of this relationship and if you want to continue it.
