Dysphoric Singlehood
I found that term on some psychology today article, and I like it more than any of the more inflammatory labels that get thrown around whenever men like me seemingly find themselves excluded from romantic relationships and dating. Bear with me as I vent for a while, I really need to.
I took the "work on yourself" branch of advice for the past few years, and now at 27 years old I find myself in the best position that I've ever experienced in my entire life. I moved out of central California to a small, rural mountain town to chase my dream job, and I succeeded in getting it. Not only am I interested in the work, but I find it quite purposeful and it even helps me stay in shape. With my family's help I managed to buy a nice little house that I see myself living in for a long time. I get along great with all my co-workers, visiting their homes and doing activities together has given me the social life I never thought I'd be able to attain. There's still something that drags on my otherwise chipper mood.
I'd like to go on a date with a woman. At least one before I'm 30. I never have.
Not for the lack of trying, of course. I've been on every dating app that you could think of (and some that you probably couldn't), spent hundreds, actually probably thousands of dollars, I've even taken my search to social games on VR, and while that certainly helped me get used to socializing with women, it never resulted in something that went face-to-face. The job I work is very male-centric due to the physical component, and it seems that all the singles here around my age either have or are busy trying to move somewhere else. All my co-workers are in the same boat, too. The same struggle. One suggested I go to the small brothel here in town, but I'm not interested. If all I wanted was to get my rocks off, I'd just use the internet.
If I let myself ruminate on my love life, it all feel hopeless. Thoughts like "If I had a soulmate, they must've been aborted decades ago." stab into my mind when I can't distract myself. Writing all of this is making me tear up. Most days I'm perfectly fine, I don't mean to sound like I'm 100% doom and gloom, it just stings a little whenever I'm reminded about it. Happy couple walking down the street. Bzzz. Cute pair of old folks that have probably been together for decades. Bzzz. Two people trying to work out the anxiety of their first date at the table next to me. Bzzz. I just have to purge the venom every now and again.
I wish dating apps worked, they seem like my only hope. Or, at least, I wish I wouldn't be greeted with nothing but silence. I can't learn what I'm doing wrong or how to improve from silence. I'd like to know what the match notification sound sounds like.
I wish those professional matchmakers you see didn't cost tens of thousands of dollars to hire.
I wish I had an opportunity to gain relationship experience, if I met a girl I clicked with tomorrow, I'd be a clueless schmuck. So many different expectations nowadays.
I wish I had somebody to come home to.
@goodBalsam6427. It sounds like a difficult place to meet in such as small town. Are there any neighboring towns or nearby cities where you could attend activities to meet people? Could be places like a language, art or yoga class. Even a Church or coffee shop. There is even something called meet up.com which has events.
@adventurousBranch3786 I'd have to drive at least four hours one way in order to make it somewhere that's big enough for classes like that. It's a lot of gas to burn on a maybe. Church certainly would work out if it weren't for the fact I work on Sundays.
@goodBalsam6427,
I understand this is hard. Been single for years myself. Got to a point that I was just happy with myself and out of the blue I ran into the love of my life. Lost her too but that's a different story.
What I'm saying is, don't look. Take it one day at the time. If you are happy with who you are people pick up on that. Sooner or later.
@dukeofdearham I am happy. I wish I could trust that waiting for it to happen will work, but if I've been putting all this effort in for nothing there must be something wrong with me, I just wish I knew what it was and how to fix it.
@goodBalsam6427,
if you would be truly happy with life, you would not want so hard to find someone.
@dukeofdearham I don't believe that's the case, and honestly, responses like this are one of the things keeping me from expressing my feelings regarding this more. Every time I do, it's assumed that I'm some desperate cliché or heavily fixated on the subject. I'm really not. I'm just frustrated. Love is the one goal I have left that I can't seem to find a path towards.
@goodBalsam6427
Hello,
I am in awe of what you have accomplished and the strength that you possess to pursue and realize your goals. When was the last time you went on a date? Are you more interested in meeting people in public settings or on dating websites?
@Berro20 I've never been on a date. I'd love to try to meet somebody in public, but there aren't any single women my age in my area, so dating websites and apps have been my only hope. I've tried several and tried my best to implement all of the advice I get regarding them, but have never gotten a date out of them, even back when I still lived in more-populous California.
I don't think that love, relationships, even dates should be a "goal". This isn't some career metric that you can measure and take action items on. The first thing you have to do is be friends with women. Talk to them, gain their insight and perspective, take their advice, and most importantly, be yourself. From my experience, when I approached a woman with some sort of goal, it wouldn't happen. Once I learned that the whole thing is an entire process and I needed to start with meaningful convos, things started to get easier.
Basically, women are people lol. You don't approach a nee coworker and just ask him to be friends and hangout right? Don't look at women solely as potential mates, don't bring an agenda, just start getting to know them.
I wish you the best of luck, hope my advice helps, or at least somebody's advice.
@funnyVillage1676
I'd certainly love to try to befriend and speak to women! However, I'm in a pretty tough spot. The only women around here are either a decade younger than me and trying to move out, or 3+ decades older. It's really hard to relate to somebody that much older (especially with such an internet-centric upbringing as I had), and trying to chat up high school girls would make me feel too creepy.
This is why I've fallen back on dating apps. (And talking about my issues on 7cups.) I really don't know where else to go. I can't afford to drive 3 hours to wait in some coffee shop the next town over.
Thanks for your post, nonetheless!
@goodBalsam6427
Lol, yea, stay away from the minors! But those women that are 3 decades older, they have valuable insight. Nothing wrong with striking up a friendship with them, even if their upbringing wasn't as tech-centric as yours.
Alternatively, finding a friend online may come more naturally for you. Just focus on that aspect, get comfortable and confident with talking to women without an agenda. Things should start to open up, but it won't be overnight.
Good luck man!
