Should I still marry him?
Long story short
He only agreed to marry me because I gave an ultimatum.
We've been dating for nearly 3 years.
Sometime last year he said he needed 3 yearsi said I could only tolerate 1 year (another long story)
So he agreed. But he has clearly been uneasy and shows .... Disinterest and discomfort in the planning or talking about anything.
He says that he chooses his discomfort over losing me
That he doesn't like the plan but that he agrees to it because he he doesn't want to lose me.
This is no longer the person who mad me feel secure and assured.
We've been running in circles again and again. Each time ending with him saying he "will give in" just to make me stay....
I don't know what to do..
Or if I should even still go ahead
@Bblub
i would say go with your gut feeling on this one.
In my opinion NO .....
if you are having second thoughts and feel it was because an ultimatum it may be time to walk away.... 3 years and he is still dragging his feet .... you deserve to make that commitment with someone who is fully on board with the plan
@Bblub- we should not have to give an ultimatum to the one we love. A lot of marriages fail when started under those circumstances. So far it is only three years of your life. You know the right answer in your heart (and gut).
@Bblub
Why is he so resistant to marrying you? Is it about the financial side and expenses of a wedding that he wanted more time?
Also, before the topic of marriage came up, you stated he was a person who made you feel secure and assured. So why is the marriage an issue? Has your relationship and bond with him deepened with your decision to marry him, or only become more conflicted?
It is not finances.
We have that settled.
He changed after an issue we had ... He made. A mistake and I left him. But he begged for a second chance. And I forgave and went back.
He says that he hasn't forgiven himself after that.. and that he needs time for that .but it's so confusing..
We have argued about this many times in the past year. And it's just been breaking us both more and more.
@Bblub
OK - usually when people make “mistakes” in their relationships, it always reflects something about the person, and it always tells you something important about your relationship. If he made a mistake and wanted forgiveness, then he might genuinely want to be with you BUT his mistake that he made, might have caused him to re-evaluate the relationship. Maybe he’s shaken by his mistake, maybe he’s doubting his ability to make you happy in the long term; maybe he genuinely hasn’t forgiven himself for what he did. Maybe he’s afraid he’ll make that mistake again and doesn’t trust himself not to right now? That’s why when you gave him the ultimatum for marriage he wasn’t enthusiastic about it - because marriage is about promising your best self forever after, and right now considering how conscious he is of his mistakes, and how often you fight about it; he probably feels very flawed in contrast and filled with doubts instead of ‘certainty’ that people associate with marriage.
Maybe he doesn’t think marriage is the right thing for you both right now in respect of the difficulties and unresolved issues you’re both already having?
Reading this, I kind of felt like marriage is an act of security for you, like for you it would represent an assurance that past mistakes wouldn’t be repeated if he was more committed to you through marriage. While he agreed to the proposal, I think he is resistant because if you are framing marriage as a new beginning with more certainty and commitment, those are the very things he fears and feels vulnerable about still (because of his mistake). So maybe for him he perceives marriage as a situation where he might fail again, only on a larger scale and he feels nervous about that?
Of course these are just some thoughts. In any case, if two people can’t resolve a problem in a relationship, then marriage won’t do anything to improve the situation… but it might make it worse.
@Bblub
The honest truth is that I can't see it going well as it is.
I've been in a situation like his before, and everything absolutely blew up.
My best recommendation is to re-evaluate your priorities together, and honestly. It's possible that taking a different direction from the idea of marriage, and from your previous norm also, could bring to light reasons that this tension is happening and possible ways to remedy it. Another way to say it would be to do check-ins and focus on what he wants for right now, just for a bit.
It's up to you, but I think that ultimatum territory is only ever going to make things end in a bad way, despite his attempts to make it work. It may indeed need to end, but you can bring it to a level of differing personal needs rather than one of blame and resentment. But it still might work out, if both of you can just step back with some honesty, which is exactly what we didn't do in my past relationship. If you can make a happy marriage happen with him, you'll probably have to grow into it organically, but you don't seem to have the worst starting point for that.
I hope that whatever ends up happening is for the best, for both of you.