Toxicity or actual well-being?
Hello! I feel extremely overwhelmed about a relationship situation and I honestly dont know what decision should I make, maybe you could help. About two and a half months ago I met a girl, I texted her, we immediatly connected very well, spent that whole night talking via messages and in the early morning living very close to each other she asked me to go to her place. We connected very well and we really liked each other and it seemed like a really special moment to me.
However after just a few days the problems started, first she got very upset because of something I said, I apologized we went over it but then the problems just kept coming, she would get very easily upset and as she started to know me and my situation more she started complaining about how my situation in life is not very good, that I am not mature enough for her, even if she is 5 years younger, and a lot of things like this around those problems. We had a few good days followed by some bad and went like this for like a month. After, I kind of became colder not knowing what I should do, is she is good for me or not, many times after she explicitly told me that I am not good for her I accepted the fact that we will not be together and I didn't contact her anymore, but after no more than 24 hours she would contact me, sometimes like nothing efer happened, sometimes just acting like she wants to casually chat or if more hours passed asking how am I and if I'm fine. Now after two and a half months, we are in a similar situation, we got along pretty well for a few days but today the same problem came up again, about me not being equal with her socially and stuff I am not good enough and also not improving and not wanting to improve, my attitude is wrong, I'm too indifferent she says, even though I want to improve but it cant happen overnight and it's not like I am a complete looser, I am happy and satisfied with what I do and I believe to have a good perspective over the future but right now my situation is not the best because it's only been 3 months since I started on a new career and after many years of being depressed and having no perspective and hope, I can tell that for the first time in my life now I do!…so of course I feel a little not great when she only points at what I dont have but I should….I dont really understand why she keeps talking to me, she either likes me in some way, but the problems she sees in me are not really hers but her parents, who have high expectations of her future, and she thinks I am not good enough for her, idk, I havent met them but I know they are strict with her, she being only 19 too. So I am in a situation where idk what to do, if I should keep talking to her or not, I still like her, I kniw I am in love with her and even if now I am much colder I still want her, something still atracts me, even the fact that she has such high expectations I believe atracts me as it gets me out of my comfort zone somehow but the anxiety and overwhelmed state doesn make me any good. I tried talking to her seriously about this, trying to find out what is in her head, but she either ignores texts I send, or sais that she doesnt want to explain things to me anynore, I should know but I am not mature enough to understand her... the present with her is certainly bad and there is really no point in continuing talking but for me at least thinking about how we were at first gives me hope, and also we still share some commune interests about the future, like wanting a family etc. I dont know about her though as I said and what her intentions really are, sometimes she seem like she really cares for me, sometimes it seems that she just talks to me because I am more easygoing and she gets satisfaction dominating me somehow, I am not sure. My point really si that she could be just a very toxic person and I should probably just lose contact with her as she will not easily do so, or maybe she really cares and likes me despite all the things she said, which makes me seeing her even as a better partner for a future together, and someone worth fighting for.
I know the best solution would be to talk together very sincerely, but as I said she doesnt want to for various reasons, when I asked to meet she prioritized something else or said some excuse. The few times we did talk about this we never got to any conclusion, leaving me still with no path to follow .
Hello~
I am sorry you have found yourself in such a complicated situation. After reading about your issue I noticed some of the things you speak about are eerily similar to my current situation.
The guy I am seeing is 4 years older than me. About 2 months ago we went through some serious problems that really questioned my trust for him. Since then my behaviour towards him has been quite similar to the girl you describe. Now some days we feel really close and others he will do something small and I will just lose it emotionally. I have tried to let him go so many times but within 24 hours I find myself messaging him again.
Personally, my behaviour changed 2 months ago, as I said, due to some issues of faithfulness. From my experience behaviour like this comes from a feeling of insecurity. I feel really conflicted because I love talking to him and I desperately want to feel less insecure but for some reason I can’t shake the feeling.
As you said, the best and only solution is to have a serious conversation. I think you should ask her if and why does she feels insecure in the relationship. Was there something that happened that triggered this behaviour change? And, what solutions can you think of together?
If she continues to avoid this conversation then I think unfortunately it’s time to let go. You can’t keep continuing in a situation like this with somebody who doesn’t want to acknowledge or talk through the issues.
One last things, as a girl who’s behaviour recently has been very similar to this girl I want to let you know that acting like this, so hot and cold, it doesn’t feel good. Even though the guy I have been seeing and I have been through a lot, he has hurt me a lot, acting like this doesn’t make me feel better only worse. The difference between me and this girl is that I was willing to have this serious conversation because I wanted him to understand my feelings and I wanted to find solutions because he means a lot to me.
So yes, have the serious conversation and give her the opportunity to explain herself. If after that conversation you still cannot understand her behaviour or she continues to avoid it. I think you should know that it’s time to let go.
I hope this helps a little :)
Hei, thank you for your reply, it helps in some ways yes. It seems that you love that guy, that's why you couldn't let him go. As of this girl, I am not certain if she does, and also she does not seem insecure at all, but the opposite, but who knows, there could be something deeper to it. I have tried many times to have the serious conversation and it's not that she wont but everytime she feels that only her point is right and there's something wrong with me, so she wouldn't debate anything and so there's ni conclusion for me to it really.
Then I think your only option is to let go. I don’t think you want to continue to become more serious with someone who is already acting like this and not willing to understand you. I think relationships are always complicated and mutual understanding is always the most important thing. It might be hard but I think you can take comfort in knowing that you really tried all you could. :)
@humorousField872
seems like she has zero room to talk about maturity ........ since she does not want to have a serious discussion or even risk or question that HER position on items may be wrong....
I would walk away .......
yes it is easy for her and to reach out to start messaging you.... after just being cold to for a few days........again immature like a child who says a toy is not what they want but in a couple of days picks it up to play with it again.
it is not a healthy situation IMO ...... walk away ..... there are better girls who wont play this type on and off game.
@humorousField872,
she judges you.
She should accept you.
She obviously doesn't and seems to have some issues herself.
You deserve better. Ditch her, and choose you.
