Best Friend Issue
I have a best friend who doesnt really show emotions easily,and i do know she loves me,but sometimes im just no sure beacuse she can be emotionaly distant,well not really distant,she just seems to have these walls around her,and when we are together its woderfull,but when she has a problem,she never likes talking about it,she just wants us to change subject mostly,and we talked,and she said that its beacuse she is raised that way,to not show much emotion, and for me,a person who is really really emotional,its hurtful. we do talk about it,but it doesnt seem to go anywhere. we just come up to the conclusion that im way to emotional (which i really am) and that its not that big of an issue beacuse im supposed to know she loves me,without her telling me or showing me constantly, she also hates beeing comforted,and when she is sad i just want her to talk to me about it,and i should hug her,let her cry it out,and it should be ok,but she sayes that I should just talk about something else to distract her. I guess she shows love by beeing supportive,she offends me a few times a day,but I just take her-you dumbass like-i love you lol she obviously doesnt mean it,we laugh about it together,we are aaalways together,laughing and sharing thoughts,silly and sirious,she helps me,I help her, she also doesnt like beeing hugged or touched,but sometimes she asks me to stroke her hair or arm, all these things show that im special to her,but i always seem to want more, i would just like her to sometimes tell me she loves me,beacuse when I say it,she doesnt say it back,its like she cant say it seriously or easily,she prefers deeds to show it,but even that is sometimes too little for me,when she rests her head on my lap and i stroke her head,i just feel the love and the connection,but also,when i try to comfot her and pat her on the back,or touch her hand,she says-dont touch me, I mean,sometimes she just loves my stroking and touching her,and i know she would just let anyone do that,also when she wears her boots that have a heel,she holds my hand with our fingers intertwined,so that she doesnt fall, and i guess she thinks that all that should be enough for me,beacuse she doesnt do that with anyone else, and we do talk,its just that we come to the conclusion that im too emotinal,and that she is like this beacuse she was raised like that,just like i was raised to show a lot of affection and recieve it, she doesnt like it when i cry a lot about little things and i get sad about little things,like when she raises her voice,or says something to me that she didnt really mean at that time,but it slipped,and it hurts me a lot,and i guess it annoyes her to constantly have to watch her mouth and behavior so that she doesnt hurt me, she knows i crave her attention and love,but she said that the more i crave it and ask her for it,the less the odd that she is going to give it to me
You are very special for this girl. She shows you something of her that she doesn't show to others. I, as myself, have quite trouble with telling people I love them. Saying ''I love you'' to someone else is for me really hard. I don't really know why, I just can't say it. That doesn't mean I don't feel the love.
Sometimes, people are not able to show their emotions as someone wants to. But that's just the way it is. We want to be able to fix that, because in our eyes that is not always the best way to handle our emotions. But we have to accept that to some people it is.
She likes being around you, but not talking about her feelings. She also it is becauseshe is raised to. But that doesn't mean she never will talk about it. I never liked being around people. I actually hated to talk about my feelings or hugging people. It was all scary for me. But I did wanted to be shown that somebody around me loved me.
And it is okay to feel sad when somebody raised their voice to you. It is okay to be emotional like that. You are trying to do everything the right way, and sometimes when we fail, it causes a tear in our heart. But that is okay. It is okay to get hurt, it is okay to feel sad about that. Because we are all different people. You don't have to feel guilty the way you are because somebody else isn't made that way.
I really wish you would answer me :/
So what do you think i should do? I mean,do you think she will ever completely let me into her heart and thoughts? She knows i adore her,every second of every day, but it just makes me sad that, if I were ever to ask her i she loves me unconditionally, she wouldnt know how to answer,or it would creep her out,or scare her..She thinks its obvious she loves me,but i dont always see it,and i just wanna feel loved and needed..She also told me that the more i crave affection and the needier I get,that the odds of her giving it to me get smaller and smaller...
To be honest I don't really know if there is anything you should or can do. Sometimes people are scared or not used to showing their emotions. That is okay, but it can be weird to others. You say that she thinks it is obvious that she loves you. She thinks she is showing you it in a good way. I am not saying there is a wrong way, but I am saying that she does love you. You may not see it the way you wantto see the love, but it is there. We all want love around us. We all want to be loved. And you are loved, loved by her. She might have some trouble showing you, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love you.
I do think it is weird that she is saying that when you crave more, the odds of her giving gets smaller. Have you ever considered asking her why she says that?
Well we did talk about it,and she sais that she is just like that,that when im too needy or obviously crave her affection its kind of annoying to her,and then simply beacuse it is so,she denies her affection,she sais that i just have to chill and that when its right,she will show affection :/
I get that it must be very confusing. I would feel confused too, but to be honest I don't really understand why she would say that. I understand that she doesn't express her feelings like other but I don't understand why she would show less or more depending on how much you ask.
This girl sounds exactly like me! I had a best friend who was also like that, so we got along well. I never expressed my feelings outright .. I'm hostile, insecure, and always wear an invisible "shield" b/c I trust no one. I'm married and my husband is very emotional, loving, and affectionate and he's getting sick of my attitude. We love each other, but I cannot express my feelings how people usually do. I can show them by helping the person or giving them a present or an emotional card. But .. I can relate to your situation. I am just like your friend. It's not your fault. We just have issues.
I totally understand. It is okay thatpeople are different from others.
But it has gotten to the point where I feel so guilty about not saying things. I am so grateful and love my husband and family but I just express it indirectly. To me, I think that's unhealthy?
I am surprised, reading your initial post, how much I relate to your friend. When I'm upset, I'd rather feel my emotions on my own, or let my husband hold me, but I don't want to talk about what I am experiencing while I am experiencing it. When I talk about my own emotions, I suddenly stop feeling them. They can be words or they can be feelings, but they can't be both at the same time. I'm protective of my experiences, so I can be pushed away easily when someone starts demanding emotion or words from me. Everything gets jumbled in my head and I just freeze.
If your friend is similar, then she is likely very selective of whom she lets near her heart. There are many ways to show love: words and feelings are only two of those ways, and they are fleeting. I know that when I attach to someone, I commit to them forever. I will be there for celebrations and for times when everything is falling apart. Years can go by without us seeing each other, and my commitment will not change. I am not easily offended by things they say or do; I do not mind if they stop communication for a long time and then come back. Due to the fact that I am not emotional (by normal standards), I do not take things personally. I really value people who let me show love the way I am most comfortable showing it (which is generally by deeds, and by committing to a relationship no matter the circumstances), without trying to change that part of me.
You are probably a really good balance for your friend, and she might become more like you in time, or she might not. My suggestion to you is that you not judge the quality of her affection for you based on how you feel about how she expresses her love. Emotions are not always an accurate representation of reality. People who value deeds over words tend to be very genuine. If your friend says she cares for you, she likely means it. I know that I, personally, will not say something unless I know I meant it yesterday, mean it today, and will mean it tomorrow. I tend to be very black and white when it comes to my personal truths. But I also feel like the more I talk about something, the more it loses its meaning. Consequently, the more someone means to me, the less I'll talk about those feelings because I want to protect the integrity of that experience. Your friend may or may not be similar.
If how your friend expresses love for you is not enough for you, then I also suggest that you don't try to make her your everything. No one person will meet all of our needs, and it is unfair to try to force someone into being something that they are not. Accept your loved ones for the unique qualities and gifts they bring to your relationships, and if you have needs that are not being met, then try to make other friends who can offer some of the experiences you seek. However, you have expressed that she hurts you sometimes with her words; it's okay to talk about those experiences and negotiate together what works and what doesn't work for each of you. How you each experience the relations
*Sorry, my last line disappeared. It was supposed to read: How you each experience the relationship is valid.
I feel like I have the same relationship with my girlfriend, but I am the one with all the problems. I wasn't open with her in the start of our relationship, but that's reasonable right? We weren't really that close, but now she's pretty much given up on helping me, and she won't talk to me about much...she just talks to her supposed best friend, and she doesn't talk to me, which makes me even more depressed.
Thank you all so much for helping me understand my friend better :)
