Dealing with the feeling that you are not important for any of your friends
Hi, all.
I'm a 24yoandI've been dealing with depression and anxiety for some time now. Last year I had several episodes of anxiety attacks and even left my job for one less stressing. I've been going to therapy still, but stopped taking the antidepressants.
I've noticed that I feel really low when I try to talk to people, old friendships and so, and I feel like I'm not important to then. For example, a conversation on whatsappusually leads to then taking really long time to answer (even days). And as I observe (and from my point of view) people usually hangout and don't call me to do anything. So I make my move. Invite people to go get a coffee, a walk in the park, and they are always busy.
Well, I believe I am a nice guy. I have a nice job, I don't do drugs,I've always been polite and kind to people, even people not closer to me and I'm known as the guy who is always there to help. But sometimes I want just a little attention, and they all seem so occupied.
Even my girlfriend does thissometimes. I had a fight with her once because of this and she told me she wasn't giving me attentionbecause she was studying - and some time later, saw she liking posts on facebook...) Last night she went out with some of her friends (and it gets me why I wasn't invited). When back, she just took too long to answer my messages that I told I was going to sleep just not to fight again. Last month, if I sum up all the time we were together, I think it's about 1h and a half. She said to me she was going to study really hard for this semester and that she wasn't able to hangout. She evencanceled our date at valentine's day. Asked if I could see her for just 30minutes, just for a coffee or something and she said she couldn't. Then I ate all the chocolate I was going to give her. My friends wanted to go out yesterday and wanted me to ask her to go too, but as she stated she couldn't go out I never said anythingabout it... and thenshe comes and says: 'hey, I'mgonnago eat pizza with Mary. There are other people going. Is that ok?' I'm really upset about this but I think this is another subject hahah even thought I think I feel unappreciated here too.
One episode that really got me is when people from my churchwere setting up a date to just have an afternoon hangout in the park. Well, in the given time and day I waited for then there. As they were late, I sent some messages in whatsapp and no one replied, even thoughtthey seen my messages. Well, I live in a small city and then I went to a coffee house I really like close to the park. Some of then were there, hanging out.
"Hey, no one showed in the park?", one of then asked me, lifing up to greet me.
"No. I even tried to talk to then but no one replied".
"Oh, and how are you doing?"
"I'm doing fine, thanks for asking :)"
There were about 7people in a full table and then I just said:
"Hey, don't mind me, I'm just gonna sit there and read a book, okay? Have fun, guys!"
I felt really bad that day and I think this illustrates how I feel.
Yes, I believe lots of this is my fault, that I feel this way because of me and myself. But how can I overcome this? I really hate feeling like this. I want to be happy with myself but I think I struggle a lot to feel loved be others.
Hiya@artnic, it sounds like you're going through a really rough time at the moment! I'm really glad you have come to7Cupsfor help
it sounds as if you are not really feeling important enough for your friends to tag you along to their outings. It's understandable that that can make you feel pretty lonely and unwanted. Have you tried communicating to your friends beforehand, saying "Let's hang out!" or "Did you want to go for a meal later?" so that they are aware that you are interested in hanging out? If your answer is no, I believe communication is key if you are feeling like the odd one out or feeling unwanted. You'vegottatry to make the relationships work out between your friends by showing interest. Sometimes lack of communication can hinder friendships from lasting. And I'm sorry to hear that you have been going through depression and anxiety. I hope the therapy has helped you in some way. May I ask what stopped you taking your antidepressants?
Hi, @FlowerInDisguise19.
Yes, I do try to ask them out and I always get negative answers, polite but negative. I got a challenge for me once: To get a real cup of coffee with someone that week. I wasn't able to.
I stopped taking my meds because I felt like I was getting more agressivewhile using them. Also I always felt really tired while using them.Then I went to a trip for several days for work and I forgot to carry some of the meds, when I started back, I felt really bad. Slept for more than 20 yoursand I got scared of trying again. I have an appointment with a doctor next wedsdaybecause I really feel like it's out of control. As I'm writing this message, I find myself crying a lot...
I Also had a fight with my gf last saturday. We went out and she was upset because of some problems with her grad school and she wouldn't kiss me or touch me saying she was not in the mood. I said that was not the kind of relationship I was looking forcuz we've been a whole month apart and when we got the chance, I was expecting to get a little attention and love... She apologized, and started caressing me and gave me a kiss. Then everything was fine that night until she mentioned , on our way home, a friend of hers that is trying to get out of friendzone and I said kindly 'hey, but look at us, we worked out!' and then she saidthat we got together because we had no other options. I got really sad and upset by this, because she really means the world to me (I've been in love for her for about 10 years, we started dating last year). I said: "Really? Is that what you really feel about me??" and she said: "hey, wasn't this at first?"so I said, "no, it never was like that for me" and said to herI wasn't up to hear things like that, that I didn't deserved a relationship like that and to be treated like that. She said she was talking without thinking and I said it was all madness and that I didn't wanted to fight everytime for her to notice what makes me feel sad or not.
Gosh, I feel like I'm inhell, really. And today, same thing, messaged some friends and people from church, seen them getting online and offline of whatsapp and not answering me. And then when they finally answered I felt discouraged to talk about what I was feeling. Some of themstill haven't answered.
What can I do? I want do disapear, start all over again... Cuz, gosh, you guys don't know how much this hurts... I would pay for a hug today.
Hey@artnic, so sorry to hear that you're feeling down. Perhaps if your medications were giving you side effects / or still are, you should seek some medical advice from your doctor? Also, sounds like maybe your girlfriend is not so open with her feelings as you are with yours, have you tried communicating more?
To add on, you can always try new hobbies - take on new interests if you wish, if you feel that your friends are not giving you enough time - that could be an option.
If you're in need of a hug today hun, have you checked out our forum post? >>Here<<
Oh and feel free to check out some of these links:
https://thenicestplaceontheinter.net/
https://thequietplaceproject.com/thethoughtsroom/
Lots of love❤
Thank you very much for this information. I needed it. x
Oh gosh artnic, I'm so sorry this has been happening to you. You have all my hugs. It sounds like you're dealing with a really tough situation with both your friends and your girlfriend. A couple of things that might help: one would be to check out our Loneliness Self-help guide:https://www.7cups.com/how-to-deal-with-loneliness/, which might have some useful tips for coping with your situation. The other would be to consider new hobbies or new social settings.
Hey, artnic.
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, sweetie. I think you would feel better if you took a break from your girlfriend. It hurts more when you try to make a relationship work that is only an option to the other person. Actions speak louder than words. It will give you time to heal and give more of your energy to focusing on meeting someone who will want to hangout with you.
I know what you mean about friends not wanting to hangout with you. I feel this way too about my hometown friends. They will only invite me after I say how left out I feel. I'm starting to realise that is has always been like this for about 10 years. It just hurts me more now, but because I have gone through a terrible break up and thought I could count on them.
I sometimes feel it redundant to message them and see what they are up to. Part of me wants to reach out so they can't say I never text or call them, but then another part of me doesn't want to have to beg or remind people to hang out with me, especially since I haven't been here in 4 months.
I don't have any advice on how to meet people who go out of their way to make you know how important you are to them. I can only give you solidarity when it comes to feeling like an outsider with your friends.
I am sorry you are feeling so down. I know exactly how it feels. x
@artnic,
If you feel like you need a hug,give yourself a hug ,You shouldnt look for outside validation of you .Give yourself a tap on the shoulder for having the courage to share and look for help!You can be your best friend and give yourself a hug and a praise for the person you are!You are good enough "just the way you are!"Remember the song?:)
@artnic I know exactly how you feel and I'm only 13. I'v been depressed for a year and a half. Just tell your friends and girlfriend exactly how you feel and they'll treat you better