12 years of marriage coming to a close
Hello everyone. My first post here. My wife and I would've been celebrating 13 years of marriage in October, but everything fell apart a couple weeks ago. It started as her asking for an open marriage with me thinking she wanted to experiment with women. She's 32 and has come out as bisexual a few years ago. I said no, but that I wanted to work on our marriage to see if I could reignite the spark we had.
I am not a perfect husband. I recently went through the loss of my grandfather and my estranged father who was living with us while he was seeking cancer treatments. I failed to see her. I failed to be her support. Instead of going to her with my stress, I held it all in. She asked me to find my father another place to stay and I didn't listen. Every time I went to have that conversation with him, I backed down.
This week on Monday, following a disagreement with her, she sat me down after work and asked for a separation. I agreed, but not without falling apart. She then went to see family the on Tuesday, where she then decided she wanted a divorce. I asked her if counseling was an option and she refused. I asked if she would be willing to talk to a therapist individually, and she said they wouldn't tell her anything she didn't already know.
Wednesday I went out to find a home because she's asked me to leave. We agreed on terms of our separation and I thought there was a chance. However, after talking to my sister to have her take our dad's ashes, I learned that my wife was using ChatGPT as a stand-in for a therapist. I checked her laptop to see what she had been saying, trying to get an idea of what her thoughts were, and I found something that will scar me forever.
She had been using ChatGPT to strategize leaving me. Using it to formulate how to take explicit images to share with another man. Planning to travel to see him for a period of time. Seeking advice on how to hide it all from me. I tried to arrange to talk with her one-to-one, asking my family to pick up our son so I could meet her somewhere to talk, and she outright refused. When I mentioned that I knew about her plans, she demanded I bring my son home and leave the house immediately.
To say I'm devastated is a gross understatement. It's been less than 24 hours, and I'm in shambles. My life has completely come apart, and now I need to manage custody of our five year old son with her. We're coordinating the logistics of unraveling our life, with her keeping the house, the pets, and our life, while I'm thrust out to moving into an apartment and starting over.
I know it'll get easier, but I'm broken. It's still fresh, but I feel like I will hurt forever.
@kindWest9403
I am sorry you are suffering. I am also sorry you found out as you did. She should have been up front and honest.. When we do not communicate there is no going back in time and see we should haves. counseling does not fix things after a certain point. My guess is the disconnect started longer ago then you think but neither of you were sharing.
I really hope you can find a way to get along and be co-parents to your child. Divorce is a lose -lose item but by the time she will see that it will bee too late.
I'm working through my feelings and taking inventory of things. Looking back I've realized how a combination of things like her encouraging cosleeping with our five year old and is not spending time one on one has played a role in unraveling things.
I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I think that divorce is inevitable at this point, and reconciliation isn't possible.
@kindWest9403
Make no mistake about it, you're in the middle of traumatic loss, not just the end of a marriage, but the collapse of the trust, identity, and safety that came with it. You’re grieving your marriage, your role as a partner, and the future you thought you were building together, and that grief is real, just like the death of a loved one. It makes perfect sense that you're shattered right now.
You did what many people in pain do: you internalized your stress instead of expressing it. That’s not failure, it’s coping, even if imperfect. The emotional weight of your father’s illness, his living with you, and your grandfather’s death are not small things. You were overwhelmed, and rather than holding that against yourself, you deserve compassion - which was something your selfish soon-to-be ex was unwilling to understand nor provide.
ChatGPT is NOT a substitute for a real therapist, often makes very critical mistakes, and above all, fabricates what it doesn't know or understand about the human experience.
Your wife’s actions, planning deception, using a resource to strategize infidelity, and cutting you off from honest dialogue were profoundly hurtful and emotionally violating. That’s not your fault. Her refusal to seek therapy, her secrecy, and her refusal to allow a real conversation show a deep unwillingness to repair or collaborate. That’s about her choices, not your shortcomings.
You're not broken; you're in shock. This pain is acute because it’s fresh. Your nervous system is likely in survival mode, disoriented, flooded, raw. And that’s normal. You're not expected to “bounce back” or figure everything out right now. This is triage, not resolution.
Here’s what I encourage you to do next:
1. Get Support Immediately
Find a licensed therapist who can:
- Help you regulate your emotions and process the betrayal.
- Guide you through co-parenting under extreme emotional stress.
- Help you grieve the loss and reimagine your future, when you’re ready.
If cost is an issue, look for sliding-scale therapy clinics, virtual support groups for divorce/betrayal, or community resources. Trust me, they do exist! Do not just give up and assume there is nothing available.
2. Don’t Handle Custody Alone
Even if you're not ready for lawyers, consult a family law attorney about protecting your rights. A child custody plan should:
- Prioritize your child’s emotional stability.
- Prevent further harm from unresolved marital conflict.
- Be documented early—even if informal—for accountability.
3. Limit Contact—Use Boundaries
Avoid direct emotional conversations with your wife for now. She’s shown she's not open to it. Use email or messaging apps strictly for co-parenting logistics. This is not to punish her, it’s to protect you.
4. Process the Betrayal Gradually
What you found on her laptop is not just “hurtful”—it’s traumatic. You were robbed of transparency. A therapist can help you grieve both what was and what you believed your relationship was.
5. You Won’t Hurt Forever
Right now, your nervous system is telling you this pain will never end. That’s the nature of shock, it tricks the brain into permanence. But this isn’t permanent. This is grief in its rawest form. One day, you will feel peace again. Not because you forget this, but because you’ll have integrated it, and you’ll no longer live inside it.
Final Words:
You are not broken. You are grieving.
You are not weak. You are human.
You are not alone. There is help.
This is not the end of your story; it’s the end of a chapter you didn’t ask for. And you will survive it, one step at a time.
Thank you for responding.
I actually have a therapist now thankfully, so I thinking I'll be good there. He's been incredible so far helping me cope with all this.
I've retained a lawyer to draft divorce terms based on what her and I have already talked about. I had been holding off because part of me was hoping for reconciliation, but based on my talks with her, that isn't going to happen.
Not contacting her for non-logistical topics has been my biggest weakness so far as I've been trying to work through it with her, but she's been very erratic. She moves from caring to cold like the flip of a switch.
I will definitely be speaking to my therapist about what I found, because I've been downplaying ever since.
I'm looking forward to the day that I can be at peace.