A greater perspective
I first logged into 7-cups when I was 22. I’m 31 now, and things are very different. I think I’m just looking to see if anyone can relate to this or has had a relationship like this.
I am married to a man, and have two kids—my stepdaughter (9) and daughter (9 months). I have had a variety of jobs throughout my twenties and, after my baby hit around three months old, decided to go for the “career” job I’d always had in the back of my mind but had waited until I felt mature enough for. Shortly after I started with the post office, my husband joined the railroad. He is away from home all week long. He works very hard, and at the end of the workday his employer pays for dinner at a restaurant and he stays in his own hotel room. I have no concerns about him cheating and I’ve never been interested in anyone but him since we met five years ago.
The trouble is, I’ve had to step down to a part-time position. Even with the support of my in-laws nearby, it’s just been too much. I feel like I’m failing at home by only providing for the kids’ immediate needs and at work because I’ve been too exhausted. My husband is at home every weekend, but has little patience for the baby interrupting his sleep. It’s actually more difficult when he is at home because he gets loud and it upsets her, which means she then needs much more time to calm down again and fall asleep. I don’t understand this. It happens even when he has gotten good sleep all week and gotten to nap each day, and I have had a twelve-fourteen hour workday with another lined up in the morning.
I think he knows that the workplace is where he shines, while I depend on home life to be strong in order to feel and do my best. I’ve brought the issue up over and over again and he has mocked both me and the baby, leaving me feeling embarrassed by the behavior. It damages my feelings about him and our situation, so I’ve quit bringing it up at all.
The bigger picture is that it feels like I’m growing a resentment that is splitting my identity between 1.) who I am when he is present and 2.) who I am when he is gone at work.
My notion is that this is a normal thing that happens in a marriage. There are opinions I don’t bother sharing, and I find a place elsewhere to express those parts of myself. I’m wondering if anyone has thoughts on this
@purpleSailboat2664
🥺
You should be able to freely speak your mind without fear or retaliation.
Your feelings matter too.
Yes, your husband works away and works hard, but so do you.
You are exhausted, raising a family, working, holding a home down.
This has equal value.
Are you no tired too!
Babies cry, he cannot expect them not to, why is he not sending quality time with the baby especially if he's away all week .
I'm sorry you cannot speak up.
I'm glad you came here!
You are doing a great job!
💜💜
@purpleSailboat2664
you are not alone ... i too had a spouse who worked and traveled a lot for work... It is exhausting to maintain house kids and chores.... and when spouse came home and I felt like i was suppose to make everything good for him. but i felt more like myself when he was gone and i could do all myself ... my way and not have to accommodate him.
That resentment can build and we need them to understand and not mock us. absence dos not always make the heart grow fonder.
I think it's normal for any couple to struggle without kids but even more so with.
Your feelings are valid .
A good partner should be be able to allow you to talk freely and openly discuss the issues with you back.
It is tremendously difficult to do your job and then be primary care giver it's why especially with babies it's the one returning to work that is getting the break.
If he continues to be dismissive youve already hinted at growing resentment and that will only get worse if left to continue this way. Yes hes tired but so are you he is equally responsible for the kids.
I hope you can get through to him and have a constructive discussion and things improve.
You deserve better.
Thank you, this really did bring a greater perspective. Although the situation is not ideal or something that should ever be the case, I feel my individual self growing again. In the times my husband isn’t here I am forced to take care of a variety of things myself that, if I didn’t feel an obligation to other people I love, I might not have thought I could handle. I think the feelings I’ve had for him have perpetuated this kind of growth.
