Am I in the wrong?
Ive been married to my husband for 13 years and we’re together for 3 years before that and we have 4 kids. I love him a lot but we have both done some horrible things in our relationship. I always think it’s getting better and then he brings it all back up and argues with me and cuts me down. We agreed on the boundaries that we were sorry for all the past behavior and it would never come up again because it always became an argument. He continues to bring it up in arguments and name calling and I told him I’m sticking to the boundary. I have to literally out my phone on focus mode to IGNORE the stress of the texts he sends me. He always gets in these moods and leaves the house and then starts texting me and arguing. He says he can’t even talk about his feelings to me now without me ignoring him.
The background I had some very unhealthy high school relationships and lied about them, not divulging them to my husband. I didn’t explain them or list all my sexual partners. It came out in an argument before we were married. Then years later after our first daughter was born he brings it up againand begins to almost o sensibly ask about my sexual history and wants to know every detail and how and why and explanations. It freaked me out bc I also had a lot of shame about this. Shame for sleeping with the people I did and how the relationships were. I was also raped at a high school party and had a hard time telling him about that. All my sexual history is filled with shame.
Any ways he began to ask and ask and I would end up lying saying it was just the most basic things and simple relationships. Which it really was just high school toxic crap.
years go by of asking for details and me lying and saying it was nothing.then little things would begin to slip and come out here and there and each time it would be a horrible blow back from him. Breaking things. Throwing things. He cheated on me 4 times. Finally everything has been out for 4 years now. Mind you we met when I was 17 and have been together for 17 years now. He still brings this up and argues with me calls me names and asks more details and questions and says he doesn’t believe eme and this and that. Horrible things. He’s even broken things and fought in front of our kids scaring them too. He has actually choked me and pulled my hair to yank my head up and slam my head into the bed multiple times.
All this from me lying about my high school sexual past to him out of tremendous shame and feeling not good enough. I know these traits in my self and have felt them for a long time.
anytime he asks anything I cut him off and say no we agreed to never talk about this again. It still turns into a fight. He says I did this and caused him to be crazy. The. It’s like a switch flips and he says he sorry and how he loves me and act wonderfully but then goes right back to a horrible day of arguing.
am I in the wrong for trying to keep this boundary? I just want everything to be wonderful and be happy and no arguing about anything ever again. I also told him if he cheats in me again I’m done.
his backstory he has some horrible family trauma that involves lying and alcoholism and abuse.
@warmheartedStrawberries8325,
no matter his background, about don't deserve to be treated like this. Why do you let him do this to you?
@warmheartedStrawberries8325
Do not ever feel ashamed for past relationships that you were likely harmed in, and especially not for SA. That is never your fault and you should not feel ashamed for that. You have apologized and opened up and your husband has no reason to be angry, you've done nothing to hurt him. His argument seems to be that you 'lied' to him. if you realize you don't need to be ashamed, and also tell him that you just needed time to heal and that's why it took you so long to open up to him, and you both firmly accept this boundary, both of you will be happier. Correct me if I'm wrong but his anger about it isn't helping him at all. It almost even sounds like his sudden anger could be from drinking, especially the physical violence. (That's a big assumption on my part, don't jump to that conclusion obviously cause I'm just a random person on 7cups who's not a professional at advising people)
This is all speculation and butting in where I shouldn't because I don't know your situation personally at all so don't take this rant too seriously, I'm just fed up at the moment with people being unnecessarily angry and ended up ranting. if it helps any though I'm glad
but don't feel ashamed and defined by past mistakes, you've apologized and that's the important thing
Thank you for sharing, I'm glad you're here
yeah this is a capital A abusive relationship. He is physically and emotionally abusing you. I suggest calling a domestic violence hotline and try to reach out to friends/family who you could stay with
I am not sure what country you are in but this website has the domestic violence hotline.
I agree that his behavior is unacceptable. He's using your shame as an excuse to do many bad things. Actually there's no need to be ashamed of your past. And there's no reason he should be able to force you to tell him everything. If that was before your relationship with them, then it doesn't matter to him (shouldn't).
@warmheartedStrawberries8325
We all have items we might not like to be brought up again and again after we discussed and agreed to out away.
IMO only when people cannot let go of an item dealt with and decide to bring it up at every argument it is a defensive sign that .. they may have done things worse but want to weaken their opponents defense by throwing old junk up... It is deflection and bad communication.
some try counseling to have a third party referee and some need to find better avenues of communication and boundaries.
it he leaves and then goes on a text rampage.......... block him on phone or shut phone off ... in those times ...
if a person leaves during a fight .. any fight and should be able to calm down...... but they are revving up...................... it is HIM stoking the fire of his anger........................ adding coals of the past to keep it going.... without you even present....
it is an issue he has not dealt with or is using it to get an upper hand in argument to control the discussion or deflect from something else HE has done.
Thank you. This is very much what’s happening I believe. And it just started again today after days of nothing. I do usually just turn off his text notifications. I know he has his own traumas but man it’s just he even said he just think is and then it gets worse and worse in his mind and he starts to fight with me over this. There’s literally nothing I can say. He just has to calm down on his own.
injust want him and our relationship to be all the time how it is when he’s not arguing. Because it’s very good then.
This is top tier abuse, sweetheart. Please take care of yourself and your baby. Your past, especially your HIGH SCHOOL past should not define your marriage. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You are NOT in the wrong.
I hear and feel your pain and can relate to your story! I am in a similar situation and am seeking help for it.
I hope your find strength in your thoughts and decisions.