Am I the one? Or am I just a filler for the sadness
I have a traumatized broken husband. He had a hard life. Seen and been through some real messed up stuff. And I don’t know if I get treated the way I do because of it or if he really just doesn’t love me. I’m told I need to change. And I don’t do enough. When I feel like I cater to if not all, most of his needs. His anger is unbearable at times. I’ve never met someone that gets so angry so fast. And it’s gotten bad at times. I’m told the only way to help him not be sad and to make him truly happy is to give him another girl (threesome or girlfriend). He lost an ex to a car accident. It was very graphic and terrible and he saw the whole thing. He says to fill that hole and take away the sadness that is what he needs. Like I’m not enough? He says he’s does everything for me and that I’m a bad wife for not wanting to give him this one thing. Am I really a bad wife? Does my uncomfortableness not matter? I’m told that I’m lucky he is so honest and open with me. That any other man would just go cheat. We have 2 kids. We have known each other since we were seven. We have been together since 2019. After all of that why does he see my so differently. To him (and this is his words) I don’t try. I don’t dress up. I don’t do my makeup. I don’t workout anymore. I don’t try to take care of him. I don’t try to have sex with him at night. I won’t give him a girl. I mentally abuse him. I don’t make him happy. If he feels that way why stay. Why put us both through this. I can’t leave, I don’t know how. He’s my best friend. Yeah I’m sad more days than not now but I do love him. He does have good things about him. I fell in love with him for a reason. It is just all of these negatives are becoming such a hard thing I don’t really know how to feel anymore.
@nicole0922
It is not you ... he is selfish and is playing the victim to guilt you into what he wants. He may love you in his messed up way but that is not love it is manipulation. we can feel for him going through things in past but that is not a " I can do whatever I want card".
The fast to anger and other things show he needs some help with his issues.
Why does all relationship “advice” seem to always boil down to “the man is the bad guy, you are awesome, leave him”… really tired of this kind of advice ruining relationships just because misery loves company
@skob11
It is not all that you can stay but also know his limitations to be the partner you want or deserve.
Or if he loves you and you set boundaries some will change ... only HE can change him. misery loves company goes both ways knew many people who stayed and just assumed all people had that in their life too.
Why does all relationship “advice” seem to always boil down to “the man is the bad guy, you are awesome, leave him”… really tired of this kind of advice ruining relationships just because misery loves company
@skob11
No, pretty sure, multiple times, the man has been told to leave the Roman, that he's too good for her, it's not about misery loving company, it's about not tolerating violence or sexual exploitation for either gender 🤗
@nicole0922
Hi ,i am not an adult and I don't know much about relationships or anything,but maybe I can talk from the perspective of a young teenage girl who still has her unfiltered hope for love ,before I actually get into adult life and face the world that changes us ,but you also have a young girl inside you that deserves pure love ,I will just say one thought
I don't think it gets better down the way ,you don't deserve this ,you are not some savior that's supposed to change or help people ,sometimes we can't even help ourselves,you owe a safe and nurturing womanhood to your once younger teenage self , you're being hurt ,you deserve better ,and don't feel guilty about it ,and you're a whole human. Not to be replaced or used for healing. I like to see it like ,i always hope that one day if a young girl sees me she can think that the fairytale life she dreams of can be true ,even if it's without a prince at all. I hope you get through this ,sending hugs and support 🤍
@nicole0922 What you shared is heavy, and it deserves to be answered with the same seriousness and compassion. Speaking as a married man with a family of my own, I want to tell you this in a grounded, steady way.
What you’re going through is not a reflection of your worth as a wife or a woman. You’re carrying the emotional weight of a man who has lived through deep trauma, and while his pain is real, it does not justify the way you’re being treated.
Trauma can shape someone’s reactions, their anger, their fears, and their expectations, but it does not give anyone the right to place their healing on your shoulders or demand things that violate your comfort and boundaries. When he tells you that you’re not enough unless you give him another woman, or that you’re lucky he’s “honest” because other men would cheat, that isn’t honesty... It’s pressure. It’s manipulation born from unresolved pain, and it puts you in an impossible position where you’re expected to sacrifice your emotional safety to keep him stable.
You are not a bad wife. A bad wife doesn’t worry about whether she’s doing enough.
A bad wife doesn’t carry the home, the kids, and the emotional load.
A bad wife doesn’t stay up at night wondering how to make things better.
You’re trying, you’re giving, and you’re hurting because you care; that alone shows your heart is in the right place. But your discomfort matters. Your boundaries matter.
Your sense of safety matters. His anger, especially when it becomes unbearable or unpredictable, is not something you caused and not something you can fix.
A man’s healing is his responsibility, not his wife’s burden. You can support him, but you cannot be the solution to wounds that existed long before you.
You stay because you love him, because he’s been part of your life since childhood, because you have children together, because you remember the good parts, and because leaving feels impossible.
That doesn’t make you weak; it makes you human.
But the sadness you feel most days, the confusion, the exhaustion, the feeling of not knowing who you are anymore; those are signs that you’ve been carrying too much for too long.
You deserve peace, respect, and a relationship where your needs and boundaries are valued just as much as his. None of this means you don’t love him. It simply means you’re hurting, and your pain is real.
You’re not alone in this, and you’re not wrong for questioning what’s happening.
@nicole0922
Absolutely not.
There's no justification for his anger.
You didn't cause his trauma.
He's using it to manipulate you into doing something sexually that you are not comfortable with.
He's guilting you.
And acting like an immature child.
I'm sorry but you deserve better than someone whose not willing to put in the work to heal and also support you.
Funny how healing apparently is nowadays found in threesomes.
What a joke 💚
Sounds more like attachment than love, may times we find it difficult to leave, not because we're happy with the partner, but more about the fear of the unknown and leaving your comfort zone - a partner you've known since you were 7 would be challenging to detach from particularly with 2 children, but if that's what you want, you should try... For yourself esteem, your children and your happiness
@nicole0922
mind if I ask something?
First of all, when you are dating did you learn your husband the best you could not just the fun part but all of it? cause that is the purpose of dating, knowing very well the person of what might be your future husband and to see if you are suitable or could be adjust with him or not.
Second, I would like to know what is 1 most important thing both of you promise to each other when getting married? has he fulfill it or has he trying his best to fulfill it? has you fulfill what you promise? if yes, then you are not a bad wife, just need a better communication.
Third, It is wrong to expect you will be able to change other once you are married, you should expect it is what it is that is why you are dating, to learn the best you could about your partner if he suitable for you or you could adjust with him. You could only change yourself before and after married.
Fourth, as far as I know anger is the result of being helpless and frustated not able to find the solution, it is human core negative nature that is embeded in our amydala to prevent us or to distract us on the feeling of being helpless. So, when he is often angry, try to learn and ask what are the need of your husband think or feeling aren't met, then start to communicate with him better. You are a girl be gentle, man are really simple to understand, learn his ego better and find out what he really fear or hide or really want? because anger usually also sometimes to hide something and in married you should know each other better, nothing should be hidden.
Learning to communicate each other and always respect each other, meaning always with consent and honesty. You are not a ***, not a hooker else why would you not do sex with another men? try to communicate things better, try to understand him and make him able to understand you caused you are already be as one. Well, I believe from dating you already know your husband preferences right? so, why you are married with him if you are not suitable or feeling uncomfortable to follow his preferences (couldn't enjoy having sex with him)? if your husband isn't content with you then what for you are getting married? or did you just know it right now?
Again, good communication is the way to start to solve all things in married.
Both of you should take time to cool down and start a real deep talk ofc with manner to respect each other.
well, I wish my opinion is helpful.
Good luck.