Anxiety! Dont know what to do
im soo anxious about my husband having emotional bonding with another women.! I talk to him and he said he wont talk now. He admit his mistake and said sorry. But i cant believe his words. even if i try i failed to do so. I remain restless... and anxious all day. I dont feel like eating. honestly i freeze. I dont know what to do to help myself.
Then these thoughts comes into my mind that the next time if this happen i will divorce him. I cant deal with this ***. We have a son. Then again there is custody and legal stuff, thinking about them makes me nauseas. And throw up. I dont want to destory my kid childhood. He is a happy kid. He loves his dad and mom. I dont wamt to destpry what i build in 8 years. Im feeling soo helpless. I dont know what to do.
@Theamani
The best move is to really examine your options ........ . NOT stress and build what if's to point of illness. Honesty is required, Not just he said "sorry and he will quit" but understanding WHY is how you protect it from happening again. He was getting something from conversations... support, listened to and feeling interesting....
Can you be this emotional connection? What could he share with someone else and not you?
What do you discuss? kids/ bills/ household chores, what is for dinner? This is not sharing wishes and ideas of places you would like to go and see... conversations like when you met.
If you want to keep marriage intact it takes action .....not hope he quits........ saying next time you leave etc... take away the reason he sought to speak to someone. be his listening ear and give him the attention he got elsewhere. we do not always see we are not meeting our partners need to be heard etc.
he said he talks about work and colleagues. His interest like sports. Im not into sports. she is. I will have a talk with him. I dont know where im lacking. With me he just dont talk. When i say lets talk he have like nothing to share worh me. With her he share work stress etc.
The reason he said he wont share work stress with me because he said he dont want me to take stress. But i find this reason really ***.
he admit this that he was suppose to share qith me. As we are sharing life together.
@Theamani
The first reason shared often is just a part of the why ...something you might believe and forgive about.
Learning to deal with stress and recognize stress in each other is a good lesson for your child. Life has stress and learning coping skills together strengthen the relationship
i dont understand when you say something you might believe and forgive it? Can you explain what does it mean
@Theamani
giving a reason that seems plausible and often to protect you from stress and this reason could be easily believed.
and his talking to someone else forgiven as it was a plausible reason we can understand.
you think this reason is valid?
As he said i want to protwct you for stress and im sorry i was wrong.honestly after this i didnt have anything to say. What can i? what could be the best way to navigate this?
@Theamani
The reason may be partially valid but i doubt it is whole reason...
people do not develop emotional connection over Work stress... i think unless you deal with the whole issue it will happen again... work stress can be shared with men so why a woman friend ?
I agree with you. I have to talk about this. To underatand the reason.
As someone who is also dealing with a husband who was having an emotional affair I know how you feel. I saw you mentioned he said he didn't want to put his stress on you, I can't tell you how many times my husband has used that excuse to not talk to me about things both when he was talking to other women and when he wasnt, fact of the matter is you are in a marriage and you are there to support one another in good times and bad, and that includes sharing stresses.
I most certainly feel your anxiety, I am so triggered when my husband is messaging away on his phone. We also have 3 kids, so I understand the fear of upsetting your child's world. Ask yourself, do you see a possibility of happiness with your husband? A possibility of healing enough from this for trust to start being built back up? Or do you even want to try at this point? If the answers to those questions are no, then you need to do what is best for you. People always say your kids know more than they let on, and in the long run, if you're marriage can't be fixed, your child would be better off with you parting ways instead of staying together miserable. If your husband wont talk to you lay it all out for him, state your feelings and thoughts, then give him space to think about what you said. Let him know that he has made you think of leaving him because you don't deserve how he has been acting towards you. Accept any criticism he has back. Try not to blame, yell, argue, try to keep things as calm as possible. No one is perfect, we all have our flaws, and open honest communication needs to start somewhere.
It just break my heart. He said thrice the same thing he was protecting me.
Honestly i really wNt this to work as this is my 2nd marriage. When i ask those question to myself i dont find any answer!
I went blank. I dont know these answers.
I know its hard, I've been there. Correct me if I am wrong, but it sounds like you want this to work but just are so numb that you dont know if you have it in you to try. Or maybe you know that you are done but are so afraid of what's to come if you actually make that decision that you dont want to admit it to yourself. Either way I would focus on yourself, don't overwhelm yourself with the what ifs, focus on each and every moment, give yourself the time and patience to really figure out what you really feel is the best outcome, and then approach your husband. Speaking from personal experience, once I realized my true feelings and how I wanted things to work out I found it easier to talk to my husband openly and honestly. Yes, we are still in a very difficult place and I don't know what our outcome will be, but you need to figure out what you want first.
what did you do to realize your true feelings?
Thought of losing him is killing me. I dont want to admit but i love him soo much even after all this hurt. And when i say something harsh and he got hurt. I feel double pain. I dont know if you understand what im saying.
For now i will try to focus on myself anf try not to think. Im in soo much mental pain. I cant even think straight for now.
Honestly I always knew I loved my husband but it took my honest questioning of if I truly believed if there was anything left to try to salvage from our marriage. See he was upset with me for charging things to a credit card instead of just using our bank account, and thats when his emotional affair started he said. He connected with a couple women online and admitted to even having feelings for one of them. He gave them intimate details of our life and that ended up in me being harassed by them, my life threatened, and being stalked. My husband actually ended up accusing me of sending myself the messages and everything, defending these other women when he had even admitted to seeing one of them following us on vacation and that crushed me more than anything. For him to think I would make up such things was just mind blowing. When he said that to me I thought for sure I needed to leave. But I ended up going to the police as a way to show him there is absolutely no way I could be doing this to myself, and it was honestly a little bit of a relief that I finally had someone on my side because up until then I had felt completely alone and in complete fear of my life. I sat with my thoughts, angry at him for accusing me of something he had essentially caused by giving intimate details to women he didn't even really know. After a few days of just pushing through with taking care of my kids, meeting with the police, not really saying anything to my husband and just sitting alone with my thoughts I just realized that I believe we had something amazing once, and it is worth it to try to get back there and make our marriage better than ever. I dont know if our marriage will be saved, but I know I want to try everything possible.
I really do feel your pain, and if sounds like you would like to find solution to save your marriage. Honestly, I dont know if it would work for you, but you could try to compartmentalize. Do what you need to do to get through each day, block your husband out for a time if you need to, tell him you need time to just think for yourself and that you dont want to risk saying anything out of pain that will hurt him. Gather your thoughts and feelings on your own, then once you come up with a plan you think will work for you, sit your husband down and tell him thats what you think. Don't expect answers right away, give him time to think too. Just try to stay as calm as possible. Again, I dont know if it will work for you, I don't even know if it will work for me, but I can tell you by me doing that, it was a step in the right direction. The important thing is to address issues without blaming or accusing to try to avoid any more hurt.