Bf lied and is hiding stuff
So I’m back again, context my bf of about 3 years broke up with me 2 months ago and switched up on me a day later and now we are working on this to get back to together. So right now we aren’t officially together but committed.
More context there’s his best friend whom isn’t the issue as an individual but what my bf did at the time was really toxic and cruel, he wasn’t realizing that I was going insane and getting really upset over that fact he would prefer her because she was a positive person in his life, even after he learned she disliked me and disliked his gf being around them when they’re hanging out. He then called me names (insane, mean person, evil, crazy) whenever I tried to tell him what his relationship with his best friend was doing to my mental state and that him treating me poorly was the last straw after so many months of tolerating it. He ended up cutting her off and said he will never talk to her again.
After he broke with me and we both regretted it and decided to repair things between each other to be a couple again, he had started talking to her again and is re-adding her on everything and hanging with her late nights/all day again during our healing and fixing of our broken relationship. Again I don’t really care about her, but more of the principle of him talking to her and all the trauma and betrayal from them being friends in the past.
He had reassured me during our healing, as friends and becoming more, that he won’t ever talk to her again and undo anything we’ve already discussed and fixed.
Fortunately, I found out by complete accident and not by bad expectations. Unfortunately, I found out he’s talking to her, hanging out with her, and not saying a word. Now I sit here understanding and accepting he lied but now I want to know what to do.
I want to hope at least that he tells me he talking to her without me asking. I want to hope he’ll tell me why he lied and did this. I don’t want to ask him directly because I feel I’m accusing him, but I need to know something at some point because it’s eating at me of why he lied and what made him decide to betray my trust once more.
A part of me wants to just unadd and block him on everything I possibly can and maybe say he's disappointing and accept he’s untrustworthy and not worth my precious time. But I love him and I know he does love me so I don’t want to throw away something that could be harmless.
Again I don’t hate her in particular, I just don’t trust her and him together, he’s lied before by not telling me stuff when he should’ve and he’s said before he’s preferred her because she’s a positive person in his life. Just a whole lot of stuff. Their relationship is toxic to my mental state.
Any advice would be awesome, I’m at a weird standstill anyways.
@discreetMango7530 I'm really sorry you're going through this. You’ve been carrying the weight of betrayal, broken trust, and emotional confusion while also trying to repair something that’s clearly still hurting you. It’s completely understandable to feel conflicted torn between your love for him and the reality of his actions. It hurts most when the people we love the deepest also cause the deepest pain. The fact that you’re trying to make sense of it all while protecting your mental health says a lot about your strength. You’re not overreacting or being unreasonable for feeling what you feel; this situation has left wounds that deserve to be acknowledged, not minimized or ignored. Whatever you choose to do next, you deserve transparency, respect, and peace not secrets that reopen old scars.
I’ve been trying to hold strong and not react emotionally, it’s really hard when I’ve waited for him to confess but he blatantly hid her as soon as I hinted that honesty and trust is our main goal and that we’ve been working for it.
He asked a of what I said in the past, he said, “Did you say not to be friends only with (her name)” when I stated in the past she needed to be blocked immediately and he agreed. Showed me he blocked her, and then suddenly she’s now back on his social media. But as soon as I said it’d be a betrayal of our hard work and to me if he was still talking to her, he started making things private un-added her where he couldn’t hide her.
I haven’t fully confronted at all just mainly gave opportunities for him to just tell me instead of me asking. I have reassurance that things will be fine if he’s just honest and talks to me, he even said he trusted me when I asked so i don’t know..
Sorry auto correct keeps getting me, I gave*him reassurance that he could tell me anything and that things will be ok if he just tells me anything
@discreetMango7530
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. I understand why you felt some type of way about his friend, however what's quite concerning is how he called you names and other things as an attempt to minimize how you felt. It's important for both sides to feel comfortable and safe on sharing issues, it's unfortunate he couldn't soothe you at the time. The calling names etc can also be considered as a form of mistreatment, which is something you may have to closely observe and determine how to proceed. One of the many things that built trust in a relationship is honesty, and any amount of lies can rupture it and cause the partner who has been lied to feel disconnected. There's have been pattern of lies coming from him, which is quite hurtful to go through. I do hope you consider how all of this has been making you feel, and make a decision thats best for you.
Update… he’s been lying about her for months even when we were together fully still. He’s been talking to her for months and apparently his excuse is he doesn’t want to be alone because of his thoughts and he gets lonely.
She’s not at fault at all, I messaged her privately and told her everything, all the context from back then and to now when he still shouldn’t be talking to her. She answered all my questions and even said she never knew that me and him were still trying.
back to him he’s been talking to her since January and lying to me saying he “would never talk to her” and “would never do it to me” when he already was. I saw all of the DMs and called him out on his blatant lying and manipulation to both me and HER.
Sadly I don’t know what to do, I’m betrayed and feel so disrespected. I’m scared to lose him because honestly I’m not hurt he’s talking to her, I’m hurt he lied for so long to my face. I don’t know what to do or think fully right now, I guess advice on where to start my healing and thoughts on what to do with myself and how to think about my answer for what to do with him going forward.
