Coping with attraction

@conscientiousMoon9562

Hey, thank you so much for opening up and sharing this. It takes a lot of strength to speak honestly, especially when you've been through so much in the past. First of all I want you to know that your feelings are valid. You’re not overreacting, and you're definitely not alone. When someone has a history of being manipulated, gaslit, or abused, your nervous system learns to be on high alert. So when something feels off, it really hits you in your gut. That’s not you being overly sensitive that’s your intuition and your lived experience speaking. What your boyfriend said, even if it seemed casual or "harmless" to him, clearly struck a nerve. And honestly? It makes sense that it did. It's one thing to have preferences, but it's another to say you’d only date certain types of women for the "wrong reasons" that sounds objectifying, and it's understandably triggering when you’ve been treated like a fantasy or less than a person before. Add in the fact that he looks at other women in front of you? That's not respectful, no matter how "normal" some may say it is. You deserve to feel chosen, respected, and emotionally safe. It’s okay to feel hurt. It’s okay to have questions. It’s okay to want reassurance and it’s more than okay to hold someone to a higher standard if they want to be close to you. You are not “too much” for needing clarity, emotional honesty, and commitment. That’s the bare minimum in love. If something doesn’t sit right in your heart, don’t ignore it. Your past may explain why your reactions are intense, but it doesn’t make those reactions any less important. Trust yourself. You’ve already survived so much you don’t have to settle for feeling second-best or uneasy and please remember you are worthy of a love that makes you feel secure, not anxious. A love that sees you, not a fantasy. You’re not alone in this. You're growing, healing, and learning to protect your peace and that’s incredibly brave. ❤️

Hello Moon. Thanks for sharing your situation transparently. I (28F) have had a similar situation recently with my 3 yrs boyfriend. By mistake I got to know that he is getting physically attracted to other women (you can see my post below). I am also researching and overthinking for such a long time about this topic. Initially it starts like "Am I not beautiful enough? Am I too fat/skinny? Do I have wrinkles? Etc." However, I realized that I should stop seeking for an answer from my side. He is sickly, he does odd things. Why should I find a solution for his sick behaviors? He is not my responsibility BUT me myself and my mental health are my responsibility. I realized how cruel I am to myself and accepted the fact it is not about me. I am a beautiful and independent woman. Please say this to yourself out loud "You are gorgeous" 🥰

Also, watching Margarita Nazarenko's videos about cheating topic helped me a lot. I can recommend you to have a look at it. I hope it helps you as well.

Lastly, please don't try to ignore the issues (this is smt I do often). Come here, join groups and share with people. Speak out whatever you wanna say!

Don't forget you are gorgeous 💕

@conscientiousMoon9562

Thank you for sharing something so vulnerable. It takes courage to open up — especially when you’ve been through so much already. I want to start by saying this: your feelings are completely valid. What you’re describing isn’t just “in your head” — it reflects a pattern that deserves attention and care.

You mentioned a history of partners who manipulated, gaslit, cheated, and physically abused you. That kind of repeated trauma doesn’t just cause emotional pain — it chips away at your self-esteem. It can lead you to second-guess your instincts, tolerate hurtful behavior, and wonder if you’re somehow overreacting when you’re actually responding quite appropriately to red flags.

“I remembered all of the trauma I have from a similar situation in the past… I don’t have red hair or even dark hair.”
This kind of comparison — where you start to feel like you’re “not enough” — is a direct wound to your sense of worth. Your partner’s comment wasn’t just tactless, it was objectifying, and frankly, inappropriate. It’s not normal or respectful for a partner to talk about being extremely attracted to others — especially in a way that makes you question your value.

“I sometimes catch him staring at risque photos or videos of dark headed women right beside me.”
This is not respectful behavior. You’re not being “dramatic” for feeling hurt — you’re being emotionally honest. When your partner’s actions cause you to feel less than, unseen, or insecure in your own body and identity, that’s a red flag. And if this is happening repeatedly — especially after your history — it can deepen the wounds to your self-esteem and self-trust.

Here’s what I’d encourage you to reflect on:

1. Your reaction isn’t embarrassing — it’s a trauma response.
   When we’ve been hurt before, we become especially sensitive to cues that something might not be safe. That’s not weakness — it’s wisdom.

2. You may be questioning your worth, but that’s the result of mistreatment, not a reflection of reality.
   Your self-esteem deserves to be rebuilt in an environment of love, empathy, and respect, not with someone who makes you feel like you're not enough.

3. Pay attention to how you feel in this relationship:
   Do you feel secure? Respected? Seen? Or are you often anxious, unsettled, or doubting yourself? A healthy relationship nurtures you — it doesn’t make you feel small.

4. If this dynamic feels familiar, it’s okay to step back and reassess.
   It’s incredibly common for people with a history of abuse to find themselves repeating old relational patterns. But healing is possible — and it begins with trusting that your needs matter.

You are not too sensitive.

You are not overreacting.
You are responding — wisely — to hurtful behavior that doesn't honor who you are.

If you can, I’d gently suggest working with a therapist who understands trauma and self-esteem issues. Therapy can help you rebuild the inner confidence that’s been undermined by past partners, and help you make relationship decisions from a place of strength rather than fear.

You deserve love that makes you feel safe, chosen, and whole — not compared, doubted, or diminished.

@conscientiousMoon9562

Hi ,,, how's the dating life going?