Could really use some advice
Ok so I have been married for 7 years now and I have been with my husband for 8 years. It has been a journey but things have started to change. We recently went on an extended family trip with his family and mine. While on the trip my sister approached me and told me that my husband has been hitting on her and he told her that he has been having fantasies about making out with her. She also claims that while I wasn’t with her one day he said he couldn’t sleep and he came to her room and sat at the edge of her bed trying to talk to her in the middle of the night when she was already in bed sleeping. I wasn’t home with them I was at work. She said that it made her feel very uncomfortable and she doesn’t want to be left alone ever him. When I asked him he flat out denied it and got very angry and said that why is my sister making things up about her. I got them both in the same room and she said the same story and he denied it still. He said he will never talk to her again or be affiliated with her in any way. I believed him considering both of our past relationships with got cheated on. He found his ex in bed with his friend and my ex had an affair for 4 years and I didn’t know but everyone around me knew. So we shared this when we first met. So that was something we said we will never do to each other. But then again why would my sister lie to me. Especially in a vacation. Fast forward to yesterday I am graduating in 2 months and I have 2 different ceremonies I was excited to tell him about the dates and he just flat out said “what’s so special about them? I don’t care about any of them”. I just felt so crushed and I could not believe he did that. There has been a disconnect the last month or 2 I don’t know why just emotionally not really in tune with each other. My question is what do you do in a situation like this? How do you move forward? FYI we have 2 kids under 8 years.
@philosophicalPeachy
I think due to your past and things explained ...........you needed to get to bottom of this situation.....
even if he did NOT do anything and your sister for whatever reason is making it up ...... he most likely feels angry or unhappy you even thought it could be true ........ trust was brokend either by him .. or you questioning it
If he did do something he may be distancing himself out of shame etc......By trying to punish you to make you feel bad for the whole situation.
Did you ever have a good sit down talk ... apologize for not trusting ....if you side with him ...... Hard to have good heart to hearts when living busy lives with small children but a incident like this should be put away for good not lingering.
@toughTiger6481
yes we had a sit down and I apologize for coming at him that way like I didn’t believe him. He basically made the whole thing appear as though my sister made it up or had a dream. He was very angry about the whole situation and accusation. I just don’t know why it keeps popping up in my mind. I feel like my trust was broken and the things that he does nowadays makes it hard for me to regain that trust. I feel like we are almost living like roommates.
@philosophicalPeachy
Did you ever figure out why sister would do that ? .............
if a nagging feeling exists maybe a part of you wants a better answer.....
pulling away could be many things but would raise red flags with me also.
@toughTiger6481
Sister and I never talked about it since she told me. It’s like we moved on like nothing ever happened. She maintained that whole day that it happened. She said she wasn’t going to tell me because she didn’t want to hurt me and break the family but the thing that made her say something is when he came to her room in the middle of the night and sat on her bed asking if she was sleeping. Mind you there was no one else in the house just them two. So she said she told me just for her safety. Yes a part of me just wants answers. Every time my sister calls me or text me or someone says her name that day when she told me keeps coming back to my mind. It’s like I try to forget and keep getting roped back in. Yeah they say marriages have ups and downs but this down just doesn’t feel like before. I’m almost to the point of just really removing him from my conscious mind but costly seeing him just keeps bringing back memories and I don’t even know how to go about fixing everything.
@philosophicalPeachy
You know your sister best, and for her to make up an accusation and then have the guts to admit it with you both in the room means it was likely true, or she's a skilled liar. His anger about the situation may point to guilt, and his overreaction could point to his upset that he got called out for his inappropriate behavior. The attempt to groom your sister and then make a play is very concerning, but it sounds very impulsive than planned, and he didn't think things through properly - probably because he's acting out of emotion and frustration more than anything else. Thankfully your sister wasn't susceptible to his actions and came clean with you about it - likely because even she felt gross and a bit guilty.
However, let's put that aside and examine your marriage. I guess your hard work and studying have taken a toll, meaning - time away from your marriage. Your education was a demanding commitment (especially two programs), and while not justifying his behavior, it sounds like he has some resentment. If the story is true, his hitting on your sister is rather bold but actually more of a symptom of the underlying issues within your marriage.
My guess is he isn't feeling fulfilled or happy in your marriage and might feel neglected or sidelined, and perhaps that has translated into sexual frustration. If the situation with your sister is true, larger underlying issues must be resolved.
The first place I'd likely start is working through what he feels resentful about with you and marriage itself. The hope is that he could fully come clean with everything he's resentful about, but make no mistake - admitting those things can be very difficult for anyone. However, only until you're both fully and completely honest with each other about your situation - can anything be mended.
I'd point out that looking at core issues versus symptoms in this situation is important.
If you're unable to make any progress yourself, then it may be time to locate a Marriage and Family Therapist to assist you with mediation.
Best of luck to you.
