He Called Me Disgusting
After 13 years I think I am ready to give up on my relationship. I was trying to avoid an argument but here I go calling him out for comparing me to people he is trying to make me feel like are doing better than me — women he cheated on me with. I discovered information lately that he doesn’t have and so I stated to him that these people are not better than me and he told me “You know, I am so disgusted by you”. I have been suffering from depression and disrespect from him and his kids and the women he cheated with. For the past 7 days, he has been calm and smiling a lot and I compliment him and tell him I love that he is happy, but this morning he left the house and he didn’t even say bye then I called him after 10am to ask if he is okay to which he said he is, called he around 12pm and he got angry and shout at me. Not too long ago he called me and he started an argument. I tried to be calm but he got rude and said some really mean things.
@crimsonTriangle5534
Deep down, you know what you need and want.
You deserve clear communication.
Respect.
No verbal abuse is ever acceptable.
Love.
Consideration.
To be prioritised.
To get the same energy back that you are putting in.
To stop allowing him, his kids or anyone disresoect you.
To choose you 💜💕
Thank you 🤍 @Amanda84
I just feel like I everytime I get to a place of calm, he does something to disrupt that. It had me in a place of chaos and anxiety. I know what to do and that I need to let go but everytime I do he comes around and pulls me right back into this circus of madness.
@crimsonTriangle5534
You have to decide if your attendance at the circus should be withdrawn as hard as that might be 💜
Thank you for sharing this. It takes a lot of strength to open up about what you’re going through.
What you’ve described, being insulted, compared to others, and disrespected, can cut so deeply, especially after giving so many years of yourself to this relationship. It makes sense that you’d feel exhausted and conflicted.
It also sounds like you’ve been trying so hard to keep the peace and hold on to some sense of connection, even while carrying your own depression and pain. That’s a lot for one person to carry.
If you take a step back from the arguments and the hurtful words, what do you feel you truly need for yourself right now, not just from him, but for your own healing and peace of mind?
@syntaxofscars
Thank you for your kind words 🤍.
I believe I need to break away from him and those he surrounds himself with. He is 20 years older than me and I guess at some point I thought older meant mature, my assumptions were wrong. In the relationship I have lost sight of myself and don’t know where or how to start again.
@crimsonTriangle5534
You start by taking one step at a time 💕💜
Thank you for sharing this. It takes a lot of strength to open up about what you’re going through.
What you’ve described, being insulted, compared to others, and disrespected, can cut so deeply, especially after giving so many years of yourself to this relationship. It makes sense that you’d feel exhausted and conflicted.
It also sounds like you’ve been trying so hard to keep the peace and hold on to some sense of connection, even while carrying your own depression and pain. That’s a lot for one person to carry.
If you take a step back from the arguments and the hurtful words, what do you feel you truly need for yourself right now, not just from him, but for your own healing and peace of mind?
You sound like you are emotionally dependent on him. You need to gather the strength to leave, and in order to do that you have to be 'self-centered'. Start first by decentering him and centering you instead. Prioritize your own peace. Remind yourself that you don't need him. Do you need to be abused? Do you need to be cheated on? Nobody does, so what makes you the exception?
@crimsonTriangle5534
He called you disgusting, after 13 years of giving your love, patience, and effort. That’s not love. That’s emotional abuse.
You’ve been trying to hold everything together while he disrespects you, cheats, gaslights, and shifts blame. You even celebrate his rare good moods. But what about you?
You’re allowed to stop. You’re allowed to say this is enough. You don’t need his validation to leave a cycle that’s breaking you.
You’re not disgusting. You’re not the problem. You’ve just been too loyal to someone who never deserved it.
@crimsonTriangle5534
Cheating on a partner isn't usually the main cause. It's a symptom.
When you add in the other situations you spoke about, the picture begins to form.
Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, -- only one you didn't mention is stonewalling.
There is the resentment, on both sides... that has or is killing what you both share, likely what you both had at the beginning of the 13 years, versus now the latter. So how did it get this way? It wasn't overnight.
Sometimes, even relationships that have crossed into this threshold can be saved, but both partners must want to stay together, and for healthy reasons - not because of a lack of self-esteem or fear of the unknown potential future.
First, you think through this situation and decide what you want, and if it's with him - can it be realistically attained? Would he be up to couples therapy?
Just because he SAYS he's "happy", doesn't actually mean he is because his actions speak far louder. He's not, clearly, and evidence is all around you. Some of that is him, and some of that is his own life choices - and some of that is his relationship with you.
The hard part? The conversation about where you're at and where you'd both like to be... because continuing the way you are now, doesn't seem like it's functional, nor emotionally healthy for either of you. In fact, it's quite toxic.
If you're able to get him to commit to couples therapy, ensure that there is long term change and not just change for a couple weeks then falling back into bad habits. Couples therapy is meant to alter behavior, and change bad habits, more importantly - give you both a voice to work through your resentments and differences.
Given his infidelity - know that trust, respect, honesty and shared values are now broken in your marriage. They take time to fix, and a long time to truly heal - but, it is possible for some marriages, not all.
Communication is the key, and I don't mean arguments and blame. The only real way to mend, is to communicate - on both sides, and that includes a lot of listening too.
If you're both up to this, excellent - at least you have a path. If you wake up one morning and decide that you're going to leave the circus - well, there are many options and opportunities out there and that includes going solo - and it's not as scary as you might think, in fact, it can be quite peaceful... the kind of peace you likely haven't had in a very long time.
Good Luck, no matter what you decide to do.