How Do I Support My Ex While Focusing on My Own Healing?
Hi everyone,
I’m feeling conflicted right now and could really use some advice. I care deeply about my ex, and even though our breakup was painful, I still want to help him. Lately, he’s been expressing some very dark thoughts—he said things like he’s come to terms with letting go and that he feels there’s no point in trying. His messages leave me worried and torn between wanting to be there for him and needing to protect my own healing journey.
I’ve been working hard on setting healthy boundaries and focusing on my own recovery, but I still feel a strong urge to support him. I know I can’t fix him or take on his pain entirely, yet I worry about what I should do when he expresses hopelessness like this. ( I’ll also add he’s against therapy and medication)
Has anyone been in a similar situation? How have you managed the balance between caring for someone who’s hurting and not sacrificing your own mental health? What are some ways you’ve found to support an ex—or someone you care about—without getting pulled back into old patterns?
Any advice or shared experiences would be really appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read and help out. 💙
@Priscella
I read this, and thought about al-anon's advice about how to avoid unintentionally enabling an addict. Maybe their advice would be helpful to you?
He has options to help himself - therapy, medication etc - but he rejects these. Why? Perhaps because he's getting something out of making you worried, so isn't seeing the need to change? His hopelessness is his problem to solve, but if you keep helping him with it, will he ever realise that he needs to do something about it?
It is OK to say things like "that sounds really rough. I'm sorry I can't help you".
Hello,
I have been the same situation before. And I am sharing my lessons learned here:
If he rejects professional help, that’s entirely his life choice. By going there to support him actually is not helping him - because he got used to getting emotional support from you and continues to live with his issue, rather than take the responsibility of healing himself and go seek professional help. Drawing a clear boundary doesn’t only protect your healing and probably is also better to him.
You cannot save anyone else, but only yourself. Or saying it the other way, nobody else can save you besides yourself. This applies both to you and him.
You may need to find a way to deal with your “urge to help”. Because I have been there before, I understand how difficult it is to see the people you care suffering and just walk away. Letting it go is very difficult and I was feeling a lot of guilt. But eventually I came to realise that I am not helping anyone and I made myself drowning in depression because I wanted to help. It took me quite a journey to be able to resist that urge to help and protect my inner peace.
(in my case, my ex didn’t live a hopeless life after I decided to pull out and protect my own feelings. Instead, my ex very quickly found the next helpful person and repeated the process with the next one. I came to realise, some people they don’t really want to be healed. They may enjoy their “pain” and use this to get other helpful people’s attention. If they wanted to get better, it is really down to them to seek professional help(therapy, medication etc).
Hope my experience is useful to you. Please look after your own feelings and wellbeing. Good day.
Thank you this was very helpful
