Hurt Reactivated - Just Looking for some Support
I've been married for almost 4 years. Right before the wedding, my now partner had an "emotional" affair. We went to couples counseling. And worked through what was happening. She took ownership for what happened. And I was incredibly understanding. There was a lot of stress and change in almost every aspect of life. And we had moved forward.
That did trigger my being cheated on in a previous relationship as well.
Fast forward to May of this year. She met someone through her work and began a friendship. This is common and I have been good with this to date.
But then things started triggering previous hurts. She said she was confused about her relationship with this person. Then this friend confessed that they had a crush on her. And they also are now working together - remotely. There is probably more. They spent time together where to other person lives - always with others around. But that was still very hard for me. And we had another conversation and that piece about them telling my wife they had a crush really activated something in me. And really brought up some strong, intense emotions about how they shouldn't have done that. And it makes me skeptical that they still don’t have motives with my wife.
Another trip is planned to see this person - and most of the time they'll be with others. But i'm still just angry and want nothing to do with this person but my wife is tight with them.
How do i work through this?
@PandaBottle
Honestly when a person makes connections or friendships with a co-worker etc. IMO it often relates to what may be missing from their primary relationship.
I, for example can have more conversations about current events or trends with a co-worker then I can with my spouse. not important to him. I really examined that knowing it is a slippery slope in some cases. When talking about things with my spouse I get a lot of head nods but if he had to tell someone what I said or the world would blow up.... he could not even hit 30% of what I said.
I have made friends sometimes I could imagine what if .... with a friend who pays attention and can retain what I said. Who can add to conversation and make me think about points of views i did not consider etc. only thing i think of when talking to spouse is bobble head dolls.
people who have emotional affairs especially have a reason they let it get to that point.... I know spouse if he was aware might be angry or hurt to know I trust others to talk to...
being anxious / jealous or worried will not change your wife sitting down and having the difficult conversation about why she gets more out of these friendships can shed a light on making future stronger. Both have to be really honest not wording it as nothing or denying something needs to change.
Thanks. We have been having conversations. And I already know what this person offers that i don't. But from what my partner says it's nothing that would make them cheat or leave.
i'm feeling more like trying to take the other person out of the equation and talk about what safety looks like as they continue this friendship.
@PandaBottle
it is a very good sign you can have those talks.
@PandaBottle honestly, and i sigh as i type this... all the men could pursue her but she won't be taken if she doesn't allow herself to be taken by them. she doesn't sound like she has a strong grip of the marriage she has now. she's like paper... who is swayed and taken by the wind wherever it goes. but she isn't paper. she is a human in the flesh with a mind of her own. even if 100 men tried to pursue her, she can't be taken away if she doesn't allow herself to be taken away (unless it is by force).
in the end, you gotta give her the ultimatum. either choose you or the other guy. she can't have both.
