Husband wants Ethical non monogamy
I’m so confused and feel very alone. I can’t share with any family or friends because I’m so ashamed. I’ve been in and out of hospital for self harm thoughts recently because I’m so down. My husband f 18 years, been together 22 since high school and have 3 children has just announced he orientates as someone who can love and maintain multiple women. He asked for permission to explore this as he wants to share our love with someone else. I’m devastated. I am completely monogamous and do not feel comfortable sharing my husband. He is Christian and I don’t believe this is something god would say is acceptable either. He says he wants to stay married and agreed to couples therapy but is now not wanting to attend until my mental health is better. I have told him to leave me because I do not agree with what he is asking and he says no but the trust is gone. What do I do?? Do I leave? Every time his phone goes off I panic inside. Every female I look at I compare myself with. I don’t feel safe emotionally. I’m working very hard on my own mental state but my heart is breaking every day. Every little comment he makes how I analyse. I can’t help it and it’s driving me crazy. I need help.
@imaginefuture18
I am sorry to hear this is happening. It makes sense that you would feel confused, feel alone, and not want to share this with people in your life. You find shame in it. Ethical nonmonogamy can only happen if both parties in the relationship agree to open it, and it does not sound like you are open to adding a third person to the relationship. I understand how you would be devasted, that is a long time to be together and you have children together. It sounds like your husband wants to have his cake here and be able to eat it as well. It is very telling that the relationship might be not good for you when you don't feel safe emotionally. I get how this situation would be heartbreaking. You're never going to be able to look at him and what he does in the same light now knowing that he's not happy with just you. Also he doesn't get to say no to divorce or separating. if you no longer want to be with him, that's that. He cannot force you to stay with him. Do you both currently share a house together or renting something together?
We just bought a house this year. I just don’t know what to do. I cry everyday. He says all the right things. Like I am enough and he wants to stay married and be with me. But why bring it up if I was enough?
@imaginefuture18
I am sorry to hear that you're crying every single day. So I hear you, he's saying the right things but is he doing the right things? Love is not about the words said but the actions done. Chances are he already had a third in mind and just wanted to get your okay so he wouldn't have to be cheating. It is unfortunate that you both own a house now together but it's not going to be the end of the world if you decide to leave him. It might be a good idea to spend some time away from him for a bit just to be able to really think away from this environment. Could you make an excuse with one of your family members or friends and go visit them, maybe with the children if you can't get your husband to agree to stay alone with the kids? A trip away from home might be what you need to really think if you even want to return or if you want to seek the advise of a divorce attorney.
I was away for a week recently. Hospitalised for mental health. I missed my kids terribly and came home. He says there is no one. Just that he needed to be honest with me. He has been home from work with me since telling me as I have been very depressed. He accepts responsibility. I have told him I can’t be the one to hold him back and I don’t want him to resent me later in life for no agreeing to this so he is free to leave. That I don’t want him staying just for the kids or because my mental health is poorly right now.
@imaginefuture18
I am sorry to hear how you were hospitalized. I hope that you were able to get support. I understand that you missed your children. I hear you. It sounds like you want to try and keep your marriage, which makes sense, you have three children, been together a long time, and have a house. What would it take for you to feel safe emotionally if you stay with him?
I really don’t know. I just don’t know if I’m being an idiot for staying. The trust has been broken. I don’t know what I need to feel emotionally safe with him again. He also admitted to online sex chatting that happened 12 years ago. I’m the first person who used to say leave to my friends leave a cheater but now it’s me I don’t know anymore. And I can’t tell my friends or family because I don’t want him judged. He’s the father of my children and I don’t know anything without him. We’ve been together since being 15. It’s a lot to walk away from.
@imaginefuture18
I mean, I get not wanting to leave, you have been with him for a long time, being with someone you have been with since age 15 is a long time. I understand why you're not sure if you are making the right decision. No one can really know what you should do. I am sorry to hear that he was unfaithful 12 years ago, I assume you just found this out, too. I understand that it is hard to make the decision when it is you having to make the decision. Let me ask this, do you think you could ever have the trust again with him?