Is it normal to have periods of disconnect?
I (28F) am a case manager for a social services agency, and my schedule includes rotating days off, and a mix of morning, night, and weekend shifts. Boyfriend of 4 months (29M) is a professional gigging musician, music teacher, and doctoral student.
The past month or so has been more challenging. He started preparing for a qualifying exam in late August. Then, on Labor Day weekend, he was involved in a serious car accident (he’s okay). Ever since then, he’s been preoccupied with the exam and picking up the pieces from the accident (insurance, shopping for a new car, etc.) We had such an amazing groove before this period of time! The emotional and physical connections were blossoming! Since the exam prep and the accident, it’s all fizzled.
First off, it’s hard to schedule time together with our work schedules. We don’t live together and moving in together isn’t a topic of discussion yet. We do live close to each other though. Close enough that we squeeze in little drive-by hangouts. Sometimes he’ll stop by to drop off a drink or a snack for me when we’re otherwise too busy to hang out. We used to have regular sleepovers, but that’s gone out the window over the past few weeks. And with no sleepovers, that means no physical intimacy. I’m starting to feel like maybe the attraction isn’t there anymore on his end?
Second, I can sense his stress. He took an exam last week that could make or break his path to his degree. He was in an accident that left his car totaled, and that could have seriously injured him. He was lucky to walk away without any injuries. He works hard. He almost never takes a day off. I can tell it’s starting to break him. I’m worried about him. I feel like maybe his stress is affecting his ability to feel like being lovey-dovey. Does that mean that the relationship is over, or does it mean that I need to accept that his mind is going to be elsewhere temporarily?
Third, I have stupid anxiety. I want this relationship to work. I love this guy. He knows it. This whole thing is activating my anxious/disorganized attachment wounds. I’m a very active person. I’m an artist, an avid reader, and I take pride in taking care of myself and my things. The anxiety and disorganized attachment activation is getting in the way of me being me and enjoying the things that I love outside of my relationship. It sounds stupid, I know. I’ve talked about this with him, and dear god I do not deserve a man who is so patient. He hears every word of my anxiety over losing this relationship and he just tells me that this is temporary and that the anxiety, frustration, and fear that I feel is valid and okay. I’m just in a negative spiral loop where I think negatively, express to him that I’m thinking these thoughts, hear that it’s okay, rinse, repeat. I worry that my assurance seeking will eventually push him away and sabotage the relationship. Mostly, I worry that I’m adding stress to his life that he doesn’t need. His life would be easier without having to fit me into his schedule and hear about my anxiety.
As of right now, we are together. We’ve both acknowledged that there is this elephant in the room, and that the initial “honeymoon phase” has worn off. We did have a “where is this going?” talk where we decided that we want to fight through this. There is an awkwardness around initiating intimacy. Is the writing on the wall here for us to accept that there’s a mismatch in priorities and move on, or is there hope here to re-establish intimacy after an especially hard month?
@raspberryrose25
I can understand that desperate need to know, will this relationship work or not? But it is a question that only you can answer. Because only you know what matters to you. What anyone else believes is right or wrong, does not matter. What you believe is what matters.
Is there any rush to decide?
One thing that I believe is always helpful is to build support network. The Holywood dream of couples who meet all the needs of their partner, is really not very realistic. The more avenues we have to share the challenges, the less any one person has to handle. Might this help you feel less of a burden?
I really feel the care and honesty in what you’ve written. It sounds like you’ve been through a whirlwind: not only with your own schedule and responsibilities, but also with your boyfriend’s accident and exam stress. That’s a lot for both of you to carry at once, and it makes sense that your relationship feels different right now. I've been in those dips with my wife. Heck, I'm in one right now (different circumstances of course).
But what you’re describing doesn’t sound like a loss of love or attraction, but rather the weight of external stressors pressing down on the space you two normally share. When someone is juggling crisis + high-stakes goals, it’s common for physical intimacy and spontaneity to dip, not because the connection is gone, but because survival mode crowds out energy for closeness.
The fact that:
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He’s still making little efforts (dropping off snacks, showing up in small ways),
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He listens patiently to your anxieties instead of dismissing them,
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You’ve had a “where is this going?” talk and both agreed you want to fight through this…
…all of that points to care, commitment, and hope.
It may help to reframe this period as a season: temporary, uncomfortable, but survivable. Instead of looking for signs that the relationship is “over,” maybe ask: How can we support each other while life is especially heavy? For you, that might mean grounding yourself in the things you love so your world doesn’t shrink to just your relationship. For him, it might mean being given space to breathe without fearing you’ll interpret distance as rejection.
Your anxiety doesn’t make you “too much.” Needing reassurance is very natural, especially when life feels shaky. What matters is how you channel it. Instead of looping on fears with him, you could experiment with journaling, talking it out with a trusted friend/therapist. I'm learning a TON from mine right now that is helping me reframe my past mistakes and look toward a better future.
No relationship stays in the honeymoon glow forever. I can tell you that I'm in my own moment of crisis now, dealing with my codependency after 18 years of marriage. But what you’re facing now is the real test: can love adapt under pressure? The answer often depends less on perfect timing or stress-free circumstances, and more on whether two people stay gentle, patient, and honest with each other through the rough patches. From what you’ve described, you both have those qualities.
