I told my boyfriend that I emotionally cheated on him but he doesn’t think so. What do yu guys think?
Hi everyone, so, I posted awhile ago regarding this and I have been receiving such kindness and support. I would like to thank the community once again for all the support.
Just to recap, from my previous post, my boyfriend of 11 years was suffering from depression during the Covid 19 period. It was really bad and I became his main caretaker. I had to help him get out of bed, made sure he ate and just try to keep him alive. Our sex life had suffered badly then. I was battling a life threatening disease and just got out of the hospital and I had lost a lot of weight. Being in the hospital for a month does a huge toll on you.
After that, I tried to initiate intimacy with my bf but he rejected me. He told me that I had lost so much weight that I felt like a different person. That was the last straw and in my moment of weakness, I sent some explicit pictures of myself to an artist on *** to draw me. It was a form of art and I just wanted my body to be appreciated. I started to talk a little to the artist and he started to flirt with me. I admit that I was so stupid and I didn’t catch it fast enough and I did flirt back. I am a generally friendly person and I love talking to people. I did feel that I was just being polite. Eventually he sent me an explicit photo of himself and that’s when I finally realised what was going on. I told the guy off, deleted everything and blocked him. I have not contacted him ever since. To be clear, I don’t even know what he looks like or which part of the world he is at. lol.
It has been eating at me for the longest period of time and I recently told my bf about it. I was so surprised at how he reacted as he didn’t see what I did as cheating and told me that the moment I realise that the artist was coming on to me and I blocked him and all, I did the right thing. he doesn’t feel like I did anything wrong at all, however, I still feel so guilty about the whole situation.
I have suffered from sexual abuse as a child and I do have some bad body image issues and I do have quite a bad gauge of men. How would you cope with the guilt and what is your opinion of this? I feel like I should have been punished for this, however my boyfriend seems completely fine with it.
Once again, I would really like to thank this community for being so patient with me and I wish you guys all the love and happiness. ❤️
@sociableTalker5400
Yes, I remember your previous post... Sorry, but at that time I had no clear idea about the answer.
First of all, if you boyfriend says no harm was done to your relationship, why not accepting this opportunity?
You have the right to still feel guilty at the same time. But will guilt give you any solution? Or maybe it's better to learn from the situation?
How would you feel about a scenario like this?: 1) Analysing the chain of events that led to the situation you described (feeling not physically accepted by your boyfriend, a moment of weakness, not seeing any red flags earlier). 2) Remembering what you can do if similar risky situation repeated. 3) Forgiving yourself, letting it go, and letting your life go on.
I am really sorry to hear about your childhood experience... As far as I can understand it, if you were abused in the past, your natural boundaries might have been broken. This may result in your unconscious tendency to find yourself in potentially dangerous circumstances (like talking to a person who may show the signs of predatory attitude) without even realising that. And this is not your fault - this is a side effect of your trauma.
Have you ever had a chance to talk to an experienced, compassionate therapist about it?
It was sad to hear about your partner not fully accepting the "new you", after your coming back from hospital. I hope it is better now?
Hi @jacek73
Thank you so much for your response. Yes, I believe I am slowly accepting that truly, no harm was done and I truly did not have any ill intent from the start. I completely agree with you with guilt will not help the situation and this is something that I just need to be very very careful of moving forward. My bf and I have had an open phone policy ever since the start of our relationship and after 10 years, we really have a lot of trust in each other.
I am slowly allowing myself to be a little kinder and trying to tell myself that it was a moment of stupidity and weakness. I believe I still have problems coming to terms with it as I have a habit of letting my weaknesses define who I am and neglecting my good qualities. I have been to therapy before and we have established that I tend to be very over critical of myself. Mainly due to my past trauma and how worthless I felt after being sexually abuse for many years.
I made a vow to truly stay off any kind of one on one social media or put myself in any kinds of risky situations. However, I do understand that in this world of technology, people flirting with me is bound to happen, but I need to learn to be super clear about my boundaries. A lot of times, I do worry that if I were to set boundaries it might come off as rude? Not sure if you can relate to this.
I am still seeking therapy and hope that things will slowly get better. Also, having an auto immune condition doesn’t help. 😞 However, I am receiving some mental help and trying my best with what I can afford.
Once again, I would like to really thank you for the time you took to write this, it really helps put things into perspective for me. ❤️
@sociableTalker5400
Thank you. It's nice to talk with you, and it's even better to learn that you do so many things to make your life as happy and fulfilling as possible 😊 👍
My friend says that people in relationships are not immune from getting positive connections with other people, including the opposite sex.
However, I think it's largely about communication. Recently I was a bit confused about my nice co-worker who started to hug me a bit too much, but I understood it was just her way of showing me her positive affection, nothing else.
Can setting your boundaries be regarded as rude? Maybe not, if you do it gradually, depending on situation. Oftentimes mentioning your partner just "by the way" is more than enough to make it clear. Most people have no bad intentions (though they might be lacking some information). But if someone would disrespect your boundaries and you were forced to be more harsh and strict - well, he asked for it.
I'm glad you're doing better. I did want to say that I don't see that as a moment of weakness or stupidity though.
I see it as empowerment for yourself. You say you have a negative body image yet you sent pictures to an artist to be replicated. That's brave, I would not have the courage to do that.
You didn't know at first and the second you did you were out. That's not emotional cheating, that's a lonely and sad person looking for a friend to talk to and simply not seeing the motive at first
I speak from experience as someone who was emotionally cheated on and that's not it
I think your BF is really great for also seeing it for what it is..
Glad you are getting to see that as well
@The2Wolves Hello! Thank you so much for such a kind and understanding response. Your perspective on things is really interesting. I never thought about the empowering part, actually. I am so sorry to hear that you were emotionally cheated on. I can't imagine the pain you went through. I guess on my end, I really try my best to think about my boyfriend's feelings and how much I treasure our relationship. He on the other hand, is quite liberal and surprisingly unbothered once I explained to him what happened and how I cut off contact once I realised what was going on. I guess I wish I had done it sooner?
Yes, I really feel so lucky to have such an understanding bf. I guess it is also the fact that we have been together for so many years and he knows that I don't really have the social battery life to emotionally cheat as he knows I generally hate talking to people haha! I really have been feeling better the past few days and we have been laughing at the situation and slowly, I do feel less guilty.
I wonder also if when we are in relationships for some time me maybe forget what it looks like to be flirted with? A co worker has apparently been flirting with me for a month or so but I had no idea until the other day when he asked straight out of I was single....🤦🏻♀️
@sociableTalker5400
I found this post interesting. I am glad in reading your responses you have accepted that this seems like a misunderstanding and not some issue of cheating. I think some people have a overblown sense of what "cheating" is. Now the explosion of definition IMO makes chatting or hanging out or looking in direction of someone else make so many question themselves over simple things.
You stopped it ,,,blocked a person....and told BF not anything a cheater would do.
Did you tell your BF how you were lonely without his appreciation of weight loss and affection dropping off between you? Often those who do cheat IMO do not speak up about lack of attention/ affection etc in their own relationship. Maybe you saw how easy it could have been to cross a line... many do not see it until they walked close to line and saw it can be blurry.
Hey, I just want to say I really admire how honest and vulnerable you’re being. Honestly, I don’t think what you did was cheating — it sounds more like a moment of needing to feel seen after going through ***. Your boyfriend's calm and forgiving response shows he trusts your intentions.
I totally relate to struggling with self-worth — knowing more about your own sexual orientation can really help build confidence and self-acceptance. It’s something I’ve been exploring too, especially through things like sexuality tests. Also, this article made me think a lot about how absence affects connection: https://flirtingcrush.com/does-he-miss-you-when-youre-gone-the-truth-about-absence-and-longing.html. Might be worth a read if you're reflecting on your relationship lately.