Micro Cheating
Hi. I've been dating my bf for 3 years. I believed I was in the safest and warmest relationship for majority of it. I recently found out that he has an ongoing porn addiction.
At first, I tried to be supportive to help him recover, but he relapses often and hides it from me. I only find out through snooping, and that makes me feel icky and insecure about our relationship. It felt like everything went downhill so fast. I started feeling concern about how I look and our moments of intimacy.
I thought it might help me manage coping by thinking that he only watches porn stars who do this for a living, but I found out that he saves videos and pictures of people on social media, and that really stung.
I worry that him doing this might be a building block for cheating with other people, and I am really scared and anxious. My last relationship ended because of cheating, and I don't want to go through that again.
Sometimes, I feel like he isn't putting effort into fixing our relationship. I don't want to be materialistic, but he even failed to give me a gift for our anniversary and doesn't invite me on dates anymore, unless I'm paying. I keep telling him that I don't need him to spend money on me, just put in the effort. I worry that he is starting to detach and porn is filling that void for him already.
I love my bf, but the pain I feel from his repeated action is immense. I want to help him get through this, but it is really taking a toll on me.
Wow, this is a tough one, because you not only have witnessed evidence of this kind of addiction on the part of your partner, but you feel the drawing away of them from you within the relationship. And, “micro-cheating” is an elegant way of framing what to you must feel isolating and confusing, since, how to manage your relationship moving forward when this is something important to you, yet, you wish your partner didn’t engage in their porn and other sexualized activity away from you.
For me (credential: married 33+ years), communication is the key to continuing the relationship. Even though the discussion might be uncomfortable, or might have to happen in seven parts, or might happen over the space of a year, this issue is something that at some point in time will have to be aired and confronted.
Continuing the relationship, if your partner’s proposed solution is unacceptable to you, or there are other red flags to you, might not be possible, and in this case, the gradual drawing away can happen naturally in both directions by you seeking other, more fulfilling friendships or activities that you find wholesome to your heart.
I would like to say that you are not required to be in a relationship where you have to question or feel untrusting of your partner at every turn. It’s probably not working and you are not compatible if this is the case, and in any case, you are unhappy, which is very important.
I hope others share their insights, since this is a very complex matter to you, and surely is creating a lot of angst on a daily basis.
Love and Courage,
Calm Rosebud
Hi, @CalmRosebud.
Thank you for your kind words. It feels nice being seen by others. I haven't really discussed much with friends as our friend groups are heavily intertwined, and I have much respect for my partner and would not wish for others to gawk at his struggles. Not that this is embarrassing, no, rather, it's not my story to tell.
I have talked with my partner about open communication, and it would take some time for him to freely converse, but I don't mind that. I try my best to separate emotion and logic, even asking if he thinks he might need therapy, as I know the limits of the help I can provide.
I understand that this is gonna be a hard path to take, but I don't give up on people very easily, especially with all the good things we've shared. I see my bf as a good person still, just one that has made bad decisions. That said, I continuously hope that we keep working things out. I expect to be treated with love and respect, as I know what I deserve from our relationship
I also have to remember to be gentle on myself. It's encouraging seeing acknowledgements from others. I don't feel so alone in understanding my feelings anymore. Thank you.
@agreeableTree5152
please do not compare yourself and a real relationship to porn. there simply is no comparison but imo those watching this are not secure in themselves. They would rather have a fake fantasy then the give and take and compromise of a real relationship.
Hi, @toughTiger6481.
Yes, it's been difficult on my confidence. I'm not so sure about the mental gymnastics that people with porn addiction go through, but I wouldn't say he is watching to harm me, but likely as an escape from struggles he hasn't yet communicated. Thank you for your reply.
Can you think back to the moments when you felt safe and warm? Remember how your emotions were then. Try to get back to that emotional state first. Sometimes, everything around you will gradually change—you might not even need to solve his problems. Because you’ve had that connection before, it means you can give each other energy and create a high frequency state. If you can regain that state on your own, following the idea that "high frequency attracts high frequency," maybe his state will come back too. all in all, don’t let anxiety get to you.
You are in a situation where trust, security, and self-respect are being tested. Before you make any decision about the relationship, focus on clarity: separate his actions from your worth. Recognise that addiction is his battle to own, not yours to monitor, and hiding behaviour is a breach of trust, regardless of intent. If repeated dishonesty leaves you anxious and insecure, it is wiser to step back, prioritise your emotional safety, and decide if this relationship aligns with the life and respect you want.
Talking about cheating. Man I don't know what should I say, my ex cheated on me Ik how it feels and how behavior impact afterwards. Hope things will be calm down. Remember what I said above.❤️🩹
My boyfriend watches porn and I think that most boys and men do it. He never hid it. I didn't like that he watches it but now I am used to it. Maybe he hides it from you because he is afraid what you say or that you get hurt?
I think too that you must talk but if you don't give him the space for it if he wants it then maybe he will always hide it to avoid the problems?
