Need advice trigger warning
Long so please bear with me. So a little context. I (39 F) and a child (16F) and my ex fiance (38m). I am married now for 11 years to my DH (48m) and we have a son together. My ex and I have a visitation agreement for our daughter. I have sole legal custody because he was not in her life consistently the first 3 years. He has visitation once a month and 1 month every summer and we rotate holidays and birthdays since we live in different states. Its usual not bad but the last visit has brought up some serious issues. She usually splits her summer month into 2 visits. 2 weeks in the beginning of summer and 2 weeks at the end. About a week into the 2nd visit bio dad called and asked if her could keep her an extra day to take her to a concert. She has band camp starting that day so I said no as it's a requirement for all students in marching band. He got mad but I thought he was just disappointed he couldn't take her to a concert. Fast forward to the meet up. I have to drive 2.5 hours to the place where we meet to exchange custody. That's half way between our houses. He agreed to meet between 4:30-5. About 4:45, as I'm pulling up to the place where we meet, I get a text FROM MY DAUGHTER saying they were running an hour late. I called my husband to let him know what was going on and he wanfs me to ground my daughter for being disrespectful and it caused us to have a huge arugment for nearly the entire hour i was waiting. Come to find out, my ex and daughter went to the concert anyway, stayed to get a picture with the drummer because it's one of my daughter's favorites and knew that staying would cause them to be at least an hour late. They ended up showing up about 5:56pm. After they went to the bathroom and grabbed food, it was 6:30. I never did get any kind of communication from my ex. No sorry, no explanation nothing. Now, my husband and I are in a weird place, I'm not on speaking terms with my ex and I feel very disrespected by everyone really and I'm at a loss for what to do next. Thanks to anyone who made it this far and I appreciate any perspective or insight anyone can offer. Or advice. I'm lost.
@StarryNites86
Im sorry you are caught between all of the people you love. I honestly don't think that your daughter was being disrespectful, what teenager wouldn't want to go to their favourite concert and it was the adults responsibility, ie her dad, to make the decision, not hers, he should have followed your instructions and sometimes flexibility might be needed in these situations. Better communication and boundaries are needed. Your husband must see, you weren't trying to disrespect it leave him out, things will settle down soon, and hopefully things won't be blown out of proportion, wishing you the best 💕💜
@StarryNites86
even if hard when you share custody speaking terms are needed. This is IMO more then just bad communication by many... it is a moment when your ex showed your daughter even if someone says no just do it anyway. Realize he wanted to score points with your teen and gave no thought to the fallout.
I get the rudeness and disrespect are what you are feeling. I can only imagine the panic of where are they ? was there an accident etc? have you spoke to your daughter about this ? Discuss what could have been done instead? showing her honesty and communication is better then do it and hope the other person gets over it.
Showing them something from your point of view sometimes shows a kid why it was a bigger issue then they think.
your spouse too might just feel he should defend you etc but in the end the ex- custody situation is often a tightrope walk. Maybe you can express your thankful he wants to help /to speak up and be your support.
@StarryNites86
You're feeling overwhelmed and understandably so. In this situation, multiple boundaries were crossed, and you were left to manage the emotional fallout on your own. Your ex disregarded your clear “no,” changed plans without mutual agreement, and failed to communicate directly, placing your daughter in an uncomfortable position as the messenger and undermining your role as her parent.
Your daughter wasn’t being intentionally disrespectful; she was simply a teenager caught up in the excitement of seeing her favorite band and getting a photo with the drummer. At 16, her brain is still developing the ability to prioritize long-term consequences over immediate emotional highs, especially in moments of joy or stress, even positive stress. Her decision-making isn't fully mature yet, and that’s not a flaw; it’s a developmentally normal stage.
Your husband’s reaction added pressure instead of partnership, turning a challenging parenting moment into a source of conflict between you. It’s completely valid to feel disrespected, unsupported, and alone in trying to uphold structure.
Now is the time to approach your daughter with curiosity and repair, to set clear communication boundaries with your ex-partner, and to have a genuine conversation with your husband about what you need from him when co-parenting becomes challenging. You’re not lost—you’re holding a lot. Let’s help you feel steady again.
Here are conversation starters:
To daughter: (as a teaching moment)
“I’m not angry at you. I’m hurt that I wasn’t communicated with. Let’s talk about how we can handle this differently next time.”
To husband:
“This isn’t about being soft or strict—it’s about understanding what our child is navigating and helping her feel safe and respected.”
To ex:
“In the future, please communicate with me directly about schedule changes. This impacted not just logistics but our daughter’s ability to navigate divided expectations.”
I appreciate everyone's feedback so far. I have spoken to my daughter. And she does understand that she shouldn't have been responsible for communicating the change in schedule and that going against my wishes was disrespectful, even if that wasn't intentional. Her and I are ok. My husband and I have yet to have a discussion. My ex will not return my phone calls so that's where we are.
Update: husband and I have talked. He agreed with me that although what our daughter did was disrespectful it wasn't intentional and her bio dad should have been the responsible party to get her to the meeting place on time and communicate what was happening to me. He did apologize for losing his temper but he gets frustrated with this situation because he sees the toll it takes on me. Hubby and I have decided to sit down with my daughter and have a round table discussion about expectations and such moving forward and try to clear the air here. I think my household is on much more solid footing today than it was, there is work to be done but we are good. My ex still refuses to talk to me via call or text. I think we will likely end up back with the adjudicator who did the original custody agreement. I have sent him a final message that said basically we need to have an adult conversation about boundaries and expectations. If we can't resolve the issues then she's not going back there. I won't put her in the middle. Thanks for reading.
