Not sure what to do
Hi my name is Ceci!
Currently I’m going through a stressful time in my life. I am trying to find a new job and pursue a career. Work, home, relationships, and self issues are becoming overwhelming.
I’ve been dating my bf for 2yrs now and we’ve had a lot of ups and downs. He’s not the best communicator. And he has yet experience his own mental health journey. He’s avoided it for years. I’m a very open, honest, communicative, understanding and caring person when it comes to talking to people. But I have been in abusive relationships in the past. Although my current bf has never physically abused me I still feel like he has done things to break my trust and make me feel I have to put my guards up to protect myself. He normally doesn’t curse unless angry and he’s never called me a name. We fight and we talk about it. But I feel like I’m always the fixing things, comforting him and reassuring him. Im more empathetic and in tune with my emotions so I can be sensitive and I tend to think about others before myself. I do have abandonment issues and I’m codependent. So I’m really struggling to know if I want to stay in this relationship because I love him and want to try and fix and grow together or if I’m just wanting to be in the relationship cause I’m settling.
Recently this has been the things occurring….(sorry if it’s all jumbled thoughts and it doesn’t make sense)
There was the problem with his drinking and he was hiding it from me, but I guess he’s not drinking anymore supposedly. He said he was gonna try to go back to therapy. He still hasn’t tried. He’s always acting childish. I’m always the one fixing things comforting him and reassuring him and I never get the same effort back. My trust in him is constantly wavering. He asked me last minute the other day during the time where we weren’t really speaking to come with him to meet his friend from boot camp. And I respectfully texted him back and said I don’t think that’s a good because we are not on the best terms right now and I don’t think I can just put on a smile and act like everything is okay. he was mad that I didn’t meet his boot camp friend and he lashed out and told me that I’m always unavailable to meet the people that mean a lot to him and his life. But he always tells me everything last minute and I’m always working plus, I’ve already met all those people a different time. He’s been getting so frustrated and bombarding me with questions whatever I’m anxious and he’s always putting his anger above everyone that he supposedly loves. He’s constantly being selfish. And then he just keeps breaking his promises or not upholding his word(as an example: I invited him to come with me and my mom to Florida to meet the rest my family for thanksgiving and he couldn’t come SOOO this year we are going again and I invited him and he said he will definitely go and I asked him over and over again that week to make sure and he said he wants to go and he will buy his ticket and so I asked my uncle if he stay with us at his house and he said yes. I was so happy and my heart felt so full. But then we had this fight and he said he doesn’t think he wants to go anymore).
We were having a normal conversation about a festival I was interested in going to and I asked if he would like to come with and he replied no. And so I called him lame jokingly and he said Ceci why are you being ***? And I just got quiet cause I was in shock that he just said that and we didn’t talk the rest of the night. Then in the morning my mother texted me a rude paragraph about him leaving his hat in the bathroom and leaving the toilet seat up. I shared it with him and he got angry and he just straight up left and didn’t talk to me about anything. And then I texted him and asked him why he just left without saying anything. And he went off about how my mother is always being rude. And I told him I understand and he’s right that she is rude(my mom is a drunk so she tends to say things that are hurtful). But i said it’s unfair to me and us that you left since we didn’t get to talk about our problems that we have going on right now. And he said he just doesn’t want to see or talk to my mom ever again. And I said well that’s kind of impossible because she’s my mom so she is apart of my life. And he said so? She doesn’t have to be apart of mine. And I said yes I underStand that and she doesn’t have to be. But she is apart of mine so she’s still going be around especially when we take that trip to Florida. And then he said ugh does she have to be apart of your life. And I got upset and hung up the phone. And it’s been 4days since we have spoken but he wants to meet tomorrow to talk about things.
I’m just reevaluating why we are still together. Should be waiting for him to change or try to fix things with me? Should I keep waiting for him to step up? Is he capable of growing?
Im just so frustrated and confused and overwhelmed and sad and hurt.
I don’t know what to do or what I am going to say. I’ve told him before that if he doesn’t fight for us and wants to break up I’m going to walk away and not fight for us either because y should I always be the one fighting for us when I’m not getting the same effort. It’s pointless if the other person doesn’t want to try too.
@selfconfidentTalker5570
This is a decision many of us have to make .... when we are carrying most of the load of the relationship............doing all the repair and patch things up jobs... this shows me how little their "love" is when they continually disrespect my wishes and feelings. It becomes no longer about the tiny "OOps left the seat up" ...... but about if he gave a crap he knows it matter to you so just put it down.
When we lose trust in they will handle something and even though they may say they will do something their actions continually show a different story. When we are expected to drop everything to go somewhere for them yet they will not commit or play "I will go or I won't go" is manipulation....so you keep him happy to attend something you have wanted since last year....
How long do you want to carry this relationship? How many excuses do you want to make for him? because it seldom gets better
Do you see yourself 5 yrs -10/ 20 down the road still making all the allowances and maybe adding marriage or kids so you have more to do? He is not doing his part in a relationship he will not step up if this goes farther.
I wish it was a communication issue and we can have discussion they say "i will do better " and all is fixed ..... but that is NOT the reality.... they know we will put up with it.... they have seen us bend over backward to make things work..... IT is about action and showing us .. it is about you being a priority not the the fixer.
I have been in your shoes and grew mad at myself ..not him because i allowed it until i stood up for myself.
Thats where my head is at. But I struggle with continuously standing up for myself when they get mad or start saying things like “I’m not good enough”. Because I just want to make things better.
And I’ve told him that I have issues with trusting him because he’s so back and forth on his promises and how he constantly contradicts himself. I told him how hard it is to feel like I can rely on him if we were to move in together and get married and if something were to come up he would panic or freeze and I would have to take care of everything. I can’t have one bad day without him getting upset that I’m not in a good mood to be happy.
In my past relationships I had an abusive boyfriend. They would manipulate me, talk down to me, trigger my anxious and depressive episodes, sometimes physically and verbally abuse me. They were selfish. But I stuck by them. Because I am the type of person who does not like to call it quits I like to try and make things better because I’m in it for the long haul. And although my current bf does not hit me or talk down to me I think well its better than it could be.
@selfconfidentTalker5570
I can totally relate ... but IMO even thinking "well it could be worse" ... is not self love or self worth.
I think HIM telling you things that ...he knows he will NOT do or follow thru on.... and using things like making you feel bad about your mood or effort is him being Selfish. it is harder to be a subtle abuser and gaslight the person they "love"
I think this subtle abuse .......where we convince ourselves it is not as bad as physical or outright verbal...is WORSE in some ways because we let it go on and on... and keep giving the benefit of the doubt and second / third / fourth etc chances ... but it does not change.
They skillfully make it seem like they are a good person. That is helpful when you ask a friend or talk to someone and they too agree there are worse things.
You deserve better. Fixing and smoothing things over and trying again is fruitless.
It’s so hard to let go when you’ve been with this person and you know this person to the core. You have history. They know your whole family and your family loves them. And you know his whole family and you love them.
I wanted a strong endless love relationship. I know ups and downs are normal but I still wanted someone who will still try to make things better even if I’ve given up. I wish things would click in his head that I am a person with feelings and thoughts and I care about him and I try my hardest for him and this relationship. And he’s going to lose that but I don’t think he cares. Or at least he won’t tell me because he doesn’t know how to process his emotions and feelings into words. I wish I can help but that’s not my job. It’s not my place to tell him why he’s angry or sad or whatever. He needs to be able to process those things on his own. He has to want to understand himself and his mind. But he’s told me he’s too scared and he rather just continue to ignore it and just be angry. Cause that’s easier for him. Well obviously that’s hurtful to everyone else around him because he takes it out on us and we just have to deal with it cause we know what’s actually going on.
How can I leave a person who I know will be sad and miserable and lonely without me. Who has no one else who understands him truly the way I do?
But then again don’t I want a person who understands me like that? And we both know each other so well and we can communicate in a way where it is helpful and we are able to work through the struggles together?
Im just struggling so much. Im going through a lot of emotional turmoil. Im stressed and not just because of this situation.
It sounds like there are some complicating things going on right now in your relationship, Ceci. I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this—a relationship is something that we often seek and hope will bring us a stability and a security to life. It reminds me of a friend of mine having issues in his relationship that are similar. I wonder if you two have a chemistry or compatibility that makes you feel there is more there besides what’s going on? I say this because I’ve found myself in situations where we don’t have that and it makes it easier for me to ask why we’re still together. So I think perhaps you can evaluate what you do have that you enjoy—does he gives a security, a stability? Do you have good chemistry and compatibility in long term goals or just when in each others’ company? I wish you the best and am here.