Relationship Advice?
Hey,
I've been feeling conflicted for a while about my relationship of several years with my gf. Even if there's no advice, I just want to get this off my chest. My gf is a college graduate that has no job or driver license. She's not diagnosed, but she had and showed signs of depressive and anxiety disorders.
At first, I wasn't particularly bothered by her not having a job, license or by her mental illness. However as time went on, I began to think about our future together. I started think about the stresses and problems that will arise if we were to share our lives together. I would be the only source of income and a source of transportation.
I have brought the topic of her getting a job and or getting her driver license a few times. Each time the topic will cause her to breakdown into tears. I could tell the topic really bothers her, so I try to avoid bring it up to her. She has sent job applications to job opporunities a few, but with no luck. That's understandable because getting job can be difficult at times. However, what bothers me is that it doesn't appear that she is putting more effort into pursuing and searching for job opporunities. Every job application rejection seem to have detered her from attempting at all. It's similar to her situation of getting driver license. She's anxious about driving so she's detered from attempting the driver's exam.
I don't know what to say at times. I have been trying my best to be understanding and patient, because I believe pressuring her will only make things worst. I also understand her situation is difficult.
However, I have been having thoughts about not continuing our relationship, which makes me feel like an A-hole. I don't want to hurt her and I do want to spend my life with her, but I feel trapped in this situation.
Apologies if this is too long.
@LostMap56 Well how about getting her to drive without a license? Find an amusement park with go carts?
@FlatenedByLife I have thought about alternatives to help her build her confidence in driving. I want to take her driving on a golf cart on private, relatively isolated property, but I don't have time because I'm always away for work.
@LostMap56
it is clear you have been patient and do not want to pressure her.... but in the end you are correct about seeing a future being the only income and driver....that is a lot of pressure on you have you told her about your concerns about a future like this? this causes anxiety to you as well.
while well meaning to try golf cart or other types of practice it still most likely will NOT get her over her anxiety to go get a license etc.
Has she taken any lessons with an instructor... i will say when i learned to drive ........ i did not do well with parent / siblings all shouting their advice at me of do this or that.... an impartial professional was able to keep me calm and learn/ practice without stress.....
as for job she should put in as much effort into finding one as she would put in working....many people who simply do not want to work put in a few applications and then rest assured that perhaps they do not hear back and will be seen as normal and just bad luck, Do you know if these applications where items she was qualified for or if her resume could use a go over?
maybe she is not sure what she wants to do....... or does she have ANY previous experience working? perhaps finding a temp agency and she can work for a few short assignments to get her in the door to see the what work might look like ............in real instead of perhaps stressful thing she may imagine that feed her anxiety.
@toughTiger6481
I've brought this topic to her a few times and almost everytimes, it resulted in her breaking down into tears. I've brought it up to her recently and the result was the same. I usually try my best not to bring it up as she's clearly bothered by this topic.
She has not taken any lessons with an instructor. I've mentioned other alternatives as stepping points towards getting her driver license, but she doesn't seem like she want to take any initiative to take the first step. However, she first have to take a driver's written exam to receive driver's permit, which allows her to practice driving with an instructor or an adult passenger who has license for several years. The written exam is multiple choice and you need at least a 80% to pass.
As for job applications, I know she applied for beginner position jobs that she's qualified for or entry level jobs. But now that you mention it, I should go over her resume with her. Additionally, I've told her of job opporunities in hopes of her getting a part time, while she continue to search for a job she is qualified for.
She doesn't have any work experience, but she has a lot of volunteering experience. I thought her volunteer experience would look good on good on resume. I have also mention and provide resources to job fairs with opporunities related to her college degree.
@LostMap56
I understand your not wanting to address it if she gets visibly upset ..... but with any life hurdle people need to find a way they are doing it for themselves ..... and sometimes that requires being very uncomfortable.....
I hesitated with my driving exam years ago and my partner at the time .......just said that " he saw no future if i was going to build barriers to my future" ............. i was upset but had to face and see the truth and i took the test.
Most things we are scared of and procrastinate about are not as hard as we imagine..........but SHE must take the first step.......
avoiding the subject because tears....can lead to manipulation .... she will know it works on you ...for other items she does not want to deal with too....
@toughTiger6481
I don't think she's using her tears to avoid this subject. I think the genuine thought of her not having a job and driver license coupled with anxiety and self critical thought cause her so much distress that she'll breakdown in tears. I'm trying my best to help her to get to that first step. However, it seem like she not really putting effort into this task. She's either out volunteering or doing something else.
I want to be understanding and patient as I also struggled to get my license because I was anxious about it. But I don't know, I feel A-hole for judging her situation when I went through something similar.
@LostMap56
You are NOT an A-hole for wanting what could be great for her .......... later on she will most likely be thankful for the nudge to tackle these things.................. opening whole new worlds to be able to drive and work can be liberating and feeling a sense of accomplishment.
Volunteering is great but you maybe correct that she is using being busy to put this off.....
@LostMap56
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. It's great you are thinking about the future of this relationship, and what's best for you. It's one of the best ways to determine if this relationship is good for you or not. You are doing an amazing job on your expressing your needs, and communicating with her. What's really concerning to me is her reactions to such conversations. I begin to think about how she will handle tough situations?, how she will be there you?, how will she be able to make good decisions? and how things are going to go when there's conflict between the two of you?. It does seems she's not able to handle those conversation, and tends to make it about how she feels. Her behavior will often make you walk on eggshells, and avoiding certain topics. From what you shared, you have been an amazing partner for her, and you are not being mean, rude or selfish if you want to end the relationship. Hopefully you make a decision that's best for you.
@fteshLight64
Hey,
I wouldn't say her behavior causes me to walk on eggshells. It's just that her reaction, kind of deters me from wanting to bring it up. She know that this is a topic is difficult for her and she know she'll have to talk about and face it. However, I think she just feel so much distress that it ultimately causes her breakdown in tears. I do think she has mental illness as she show signs of depressive and anxiety disorders, but she's not officially diagnosed. If it's a mental illness that's affecting her, I want to be there for her and help her through it. But I'm not sure if I'll be able to withstand the stress of being there to solely care for and provide for her in the future.
With that said, she's an amazing partner. She's been there for me when I was at my lowest. She's willing to be open to converse about aspects of our relationship and what we can improve on.
But this topic will cause her to breakdown and not really talk. But she'll text me to continue the conversation or to thank me for being patient with her. I don't know if I should stay because I want help her and genuinely love and care for her, but on the otherhand, I don't know if she'll be able to grow and overcome this.
@LostMap56,
you might be right when saying she might have mental challenges. Which create a mental barrier like feeling rejected every times she tries something that doesn't work out.
Like applying for jobs and getting rejected (or worse, not getting any feedback) each and every time.
It's one thing (amongst others, bad luck often so it feels to you that the whole world works against you) that drove me into a deep dark hole.
What I'm trying to tell you, there might be something underneath her behavior. And that something needs to be addressed first. It's not about not finding a job or being unwilling to get a driver's license.
Maybe a professional therapist can help her to shine a light on what really is going on.
@dukeofdearham
Hey,
I agree with you that she might have a underlining mental illness that's holding her back. However, I have also discuss this with her before and nothing really change. I wish she can go seek professional help, but looking for one cost a lot money and even the free/low cost ones are hard to come by.
@LostMap56,
I understand. Yet it's worth investigating getting some professional help. If someone is struggling for whatever reason and keeps on struggling, the struggle might result in survival mechanisms. And those can be even impossible to deal with. Someone's mental (and psychical) wellbeing should always come first.
And yes, you can support her by being there but other than that you can not help let, let alone "fix" her. That's something she has (be willing) to do.
Do you love her?
She seems like she is trying and that it’s just really hard for her.
Are you seeing things from her shoes? You may not have found the driving test so bad, but it may really be something completely different for her.
Also, like you said getting a job is really hard. The more rejections you get the more it knocks your confidence.
Have you asked her what kind of support you can give her to help her get to the next step?
Does she really need to drive? Does she want to?
If were really struggling would she be there for you?
Relationships are about meeting each other’s needs. Do you meet her main needs and does she meet your’s. Things like love, trust, respect? Your needs and her needs are different.
There has been interesting research with thousands of couples. The couples were recorded interacting with each other and the researchers could predict with 90% accuracy which of the couples would have a long relationship.
Basically a successful relationship has 5 positives for every negative. For example, you may have seen those couples that are always arguing and you wonder why they stay together. The arguing is the negative and there are a lot more positives that then balance out the negative.
I hope that makes sense.
The fact that she has done a lot of volunteer work sounds to me like she is a really kind and caring person.
Most people I know today are too busy with themselves to bother to think of others.
@Yfgaex
I do love her, if I didn't I would not feel conflicted about situation and would just leave this relationship. If I didn't love her, I wouldn't think about sharing my life with her.
I've ask how I can help and support her, and she responds with "I don't know". As for driving, she told me one time that she feels like she don't want to drive. I don't know if she needs to drive, but to me driving give one a bit of independences. I want her to get a job and license so she can be independent and less reliant on me.
Interesting study you brought up but at what point do the negatives outweigh the positives?
I agree with you that she's kind and caring person. But I have to say that sometimes it's better to be selfish than selfless if you want to focus on growth.
I’m in a similar situation with the same issues … my partner of several years unable to find work and unable or unwilling to get a driver’s license.
@hoppa12
Did things work out?
Thanks for your reply.
By the way you also sound very caring and it’s a credit to you that you are trying to figure things out.
A lot of people would let things fester and disintegrate and then end up cheating which causes so much damage. It’s difficult breaking up but nothing like cheating on a person who trusts you.
You’d like her to be more independent. Has she looked for something easy, a temporary job until she finds something more interesting? Like that she gets some confidence out there in the work force. Even voluntary jobs look better on a CV. Think baby steps.
You asked about the positives and negatives. It gives you an idea of your relationship. If you were to put down the pros and cons of this relationship with this person, what’s the balance overall? Do you have 10 positives/pros and 20 negatives/cons for example?
The researcher is John Gottman , you can get more detailed info here:
https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/
You say you don’t know what to say at times. I find that it can be immensely helpful to give a compliment. Not BS, just something positive. We get so wrapped up in our daily lives that often we don’t just stop and say something nice about the other person. For example, if she said to you as you go out the door, “Wow you are looking really sexy/gorgeous today, I’m so lucky to have you in my life….” Imagine how it would make you feel. Try it, give someone a compliment and see how they grow in stature and feel good. And it’s free! Even just giving her eye contact which is a second longer than normal can be very intimate.
I’d suggest that maybe focus on one thing, the job or driving. If it’s the job then be honest with her, in a kind way and tell her how you are feeling, that you want to support her, and if she’s not sure what to do then let’s start with something simple. Maybe babysitting, dog walking, part time barista, remote job etc…
Be honest. I think it would be kinder to tell her you are having doubts. It’s better than the sudden shock, if you do decide to break up.
You may find some the suggested info helpful and actually talk about it with her. You want to talk about her being more independent.
” I was reading a really interesting article today and it was saying that in a relationship it’s crucial to be really honest about feelings. So I want to share that I feel x about you not working. It also says a feeling is just a feeling, it’s not right or wrong. And I’m worried sometimes that that x feeling will get worse and we may end up breaking up…. “
Anyhow, that’s my female perspective.
You may find the following helpful:
The five love languages by Gary Chapman ( it’s very probable that you and your partner express love in a different way)
Men are from Mars and women are from Venus by John Gray ( this really highlights how different men and women are).
Esther Perel ..Tedtslks
@LostMap56 so sorry for the challenges going on. The one thing I will share is, trust yourself. If you see something as a potential issue now, it WILL be an issue later, along with additonal issues. So you need to ask yourself if you are comfortable and confident moving forward to a permanent future together if things remain as is. The other question to consider is- is she actively doing things to help work on herself to keep good mental health and improve in these areas? While we all have our challenges, what's important is whether we take ownership of them and are continuing to put effort into working on them. If she's not willing to work on them now, it is unlikely she will later
@LostMap56
