Spouse with untreated ADHD and lots of peojection
Hi everyone,
I am really struggling in my marriage. I am tetteri g on a line of whether to stay in the marriage of over two decades. I constantly feel like I am walking on eggshells and totally exhausted. Any discussion about anything in our relationship which is so infrequent and has to be so egregious for me to even bring anything up about anything except logistics and instead of staying focused on what we are talking about it is instant defensiveness on his part and it gets immediately turned around on look at what you are or are not doing. Before you ask, I use all the fighting fair rules, use I statements, almost never you though not perfect, blames me for not resolving our arguments when in order to resolve it, I have to take his advice and follow through on it whether it works for me or not. I am a former social worker of over 21 years and I figure while not being perfect I don't think I would have been an effective social worker wothout good communication skills. I have learned to just shut my mouth again unless it just cannot go addressed. It is so exhausting because he is not open to taking any accountability. I do my absolute best to focus on changing if a behavior is affecting our relationship in a negative way. I kinda feel like just theowing up my hands and just say I am done. Once I find a job that can support me financially I may just walk away and be done and maybe never pursue another relationship no matter how lonely I feel. Looking for empathy and support not well why haven't you left him yet?
@creativePenguin5558
We support you here.. if it's not working it's not working.. it's important to look out for your mental health because no one else will usually.. Thanks for sharing, hopefully you will find peace of mind someday soon.. I totally understand your so beat up that you don't even want to date.. 🌲
@creativePenguin5558
You are not alone.
One-sided conversations where they do not take advice or expect everything their way is so frustrating and no one should tell someone when they should leave or not as they have a glimpse not a full understanding. I have a partner whom I think has some sort of thing like ADHD no diagnosis, but others have noticed issues. I reached a point where I no longer tolerate his projection or walking on eggshells...
If that is where we start heading, I stomp those shells tell them hard truths about their behavior and tell them their way does NOT work for me I am not their shadow or extension of them so quit treating me as such. Trying to keep peace and placate is simply no longer worth it for me. I give them a taste of their own style back. when they said anything about it I simply say, "back at you".
If this was a child, we would teach them others will not always cave in to their issues to " resolve" things so they would need to get used to it. Sometimes I feel we give those close to us too much leeway and when they step over bounds correcting them is not mean or something to feel guilty about it is respecting our own boundaries.
@creativePenguin5558
That sounds like that has been a lot on you and draining. It's scary to feel like you are walking on eggshells around your partner. 2 decades is a long time and it is not easy to leave when there is that history and you have been through a lot together. It sounds like you want to resolve things and talk through it but it can feel impossible to make progress when you're not being met with the same energy. You still deserve a partner that will listen to you, hear you, and see you!
