Stressed about my boyfriend's unemployment
I'm stressed about my boyfriend. We've been dating for almost 2 years now, and he moved states to live with me last year. He's been living with me just over 9 months. This entire time, he's been unemployed, which is the source of my stress.
He was trying to get into day trading for the first months, but even when it wasn't working out, he didn't start looking for work until I expressed concern over his unemployment around 5-6 months in. I had agreed to take care of bills for about that long. Since then, he's searched for work to no avail. He almost got a job as a salesman, but it had ridiculous hours (12+ hour days, 6 days a week, pay based fully on commission) and so he didn't stick with it. We also want to have a work/life balance because our goal is to start a family someday, and it was going to be impossible with that job.
Today, a month later, he started a new job. He came home and said he still hadn't figured out the schedule or asked anyone about pay, time off, or literally anything. He has zero info other than it's 8-5pm with lots of overtime. Somebody there alluded to there being no days off, and that's all my boyfriend found out.
I'm very frustrated because I don't understand how he could fail to obtain such basic information when the last job he tried didn't work out because of the lack of a work/life balance and consistent pay. He says he wants to marry me and build a life together, and he wants to be consistent towards that so we can have a family, yet he doesn't ask the most basic questions of his employers to know whether a job is even right for him. He took half a year to start looking for work. No concern about my financial situation. Minimal effort in applying for jobs (he wouldn't even call or follow up). He's 32, going to be 33 next month. Unemployed. Been living rent free for 9 months. I covered all the bills while he mostly played video games all that time. I'm so deeply frustrated and at my wits' end.
I told him 2 weeks ago that if he doesn't have a job by August (marks a year from when he first moved in), he either needs to join a trade school or go back to his home state. I feel so stupid for having taken care of him for so long with minimal effort on his part. I just feel like an idiot, and even still, I see us being able to build a life together if he finds a decent job.
Any thoughts/advice would be appreciated. I don't know what to do.
@gentleOak3989
I don't know enough information about him to know what to say about his lack of purpose or motivation.. Playing video games is great and all that after you fulfill your obligations and work to pay your bills. He seems to not have the right ambitions and priorities in order.
I've been that way sometimes but I eventually got back to business. I hope you decide what's in your best interests and if he is going to be a part of your future...
I wish you the best🌟
@gentleOak3989
It is ok to be frustrated or even mad. My partner lost a good paying job a couple months ago. He is shared exactly why or what happened he seems like he is taking his time in looking if he even is the first couple weeks he did as I overheard phone calls like "you were second choice if something comes up etc" but did not get the job.
I updated my resume and profiles on job sites... I HAVE a steady job and not really looking but thought asking about if he has updated his info etc would be a nudge without being pushy. I would have lost it if he was on video games and not being productive in searching for job.
@TheGentleOakListens Trade school would be a great opportunity for him. I would suggest a series of serious, but calm conversations about how his unemployment is affecting you. Set a deadline for him that is realistic. Talk to him about how he doesn’t have to like his job, or even make a long term commitment to it; but you both, as a team, need another source of income. Use the SMART goals strategy, and make sure that when you leave each conversation, you both are feeling good, and have a plan. The employment environment can be rough, and depending upon locality, nearly impossible. However he needs to be striving towards a goal each and every day; whether that’s keeping the house clean, pets taken care of, or job searching. He shouldn’t be playing video games, at least while you’re at work, suggest that he use that time for productivity, something that helps you both, and takes pressure off of your shoulders; so you don’t get burned out. If he starts trade school, that will take time and resources to get going as well, so be sure to consider every facet and possibility. Make sure that you’re both on the same page as to each other’s priorities, if he has his ladder set on the wrong wall (his priorities don’t match yours) he’ll end up spending his time doing something that doesn’t benefit the both of you, as a team, at all. Try to focus on operating as a team, and not so much on giving him chances to do better, or figure things out on his own.