This is fine?
I've been dating a guy for six months, but our relationship doesn't feel romantic; it feels like a collaboration between two people over 30 who are single and dating simply to have someone else "fill that space," to just keep the relationship going. I really don't like it, and I understand that I don't love him; it's just how it really happened that we're together. At first, I was invested in it all, I tried, but my partner is selfish (? I guess...). Maybe it's not for me to judge, but let me explain. For those six months, I visited him every weekend in a different city, wrote a ton of messages, took a huge number of different photos so I'd have something to show and tell him, and so on. In the summer, I still struggled to find a time to meet or an excuse to text. I gave him various surprises, wrote letters, even drew him. He did nothing during this time. He came to me himself only ONCE. Once, damn it. He never courted me like a girlfriend. He always makes physical advances, although he knows it doesn't make me particularly comfortable. I feel like I just don't know him. He tells me very little, even though we talk every day. But despite this, he truly loves me. He cried twice when I made him a surprise. I often imagined us together in the future. But in those moments, while he was dreaming, I imagined this picture: he's content and doesn't invest in me at all, and I... well, I'm working hard for three without any effort, attention, or any sense of love. We tried to talk, and the man sometimes even agreed with me, but it never led to anything. I'm just tired of explaining to the man how he should treat me. God, how so. It's weird, I don't know... I don't know what to do. We should have broken up this summer, but then I got scared, and now I've only become even more attached to him... Can you tell me from the outside, what does this look like? Maybe you have some advice?
@Grisseya
It just seems that you are investing more into something because it's easier than being alone.
You deserve the sane energy back.
Butterflies.
Love.
Fun.
Happiness.
The longer you waste time trying to make something that feels wrong, feel right, the harder it will be to be to end it.
And it will cause more hurt.
I genuinely wish you the best, I understand it's not a nice or easy predicament to be in 💜💕
Thank you so much, it was important for me to hear that 💔
@Grisseya
A pleasure 💜
@Grisseya
You have invested time and energy and in a way i think you want to love him.
Many people have such relationships wanting to fill a void and IMO settle for a companion more then for love. WE simply cannot teach someone how we want to be treated and in a way it is worse IMO to tell them each step. WE want someone to do those types of things and share openly spontaneously ...... not us dragging things out of them or giving directions of how to make us happy or treat us the way we want.
IMO love is either there or NOT and time and trying real hard is not going to make up for that connection that feeling. i went thru something like this and i found I can not make myself feel for someone just because they fit in my life.
Oh...Y're right, I really want to love him, really. I guess I love him, but it's not the kind of lofty feeling I want to cherish for the rest of my life. It's more of an attachment; I hold on to our shared good memories, but I understand that this person is completely wrong for me. Even now, I think maybe I should write to him about all this, at least to warn him fairly about what's on my mind. But just when I think I've gathered the strength and courage, I remember him, our shared comments, and I give up again. I also don’t want to admit it, but I also think about the fact that I will be left without a “boyfriend”, I will be without a relationship... This, now, sounds unusual. I really want to meet someone who will make me feel truly good, someone with whom we will have a great connection, but he's still not here. In part, I still have everything ahead of me. But oh my god, I don't even know why I'm thinking about this so much and if it's normal. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing by breaking up with my friend now. Maybe I should do it later (even though I realize that's the worse option). Both the responses to my post, yours and the other person's, are spot on 10/10. I don’t want to be alone, because it’s easier to be with someone, I don’t want to leave the person I’ve become so attached to, even though we’re a bad couple. It's all true. And it needs to change. Even though it's both undesirable and scary..
@Grisseya
I hear you. I know what you are going thru but how will you find that person when you are semi- attached. i think it would hurt both a lot more if you left for someone knowing you had no feelings but held on as a backup plan.
when you are ready and you want more people will show up in our lives. I am not just saying that ... this has been my experience. Oh how i wish i too had the courage much earlier. when you are in deep it is harder to break free... and the guilt will be enormous for pretending you were all in.
What if he too is missing out on meeting someone who really loves him really treasures him.
It looks like he is stringing you along aka “bread crumbing” you. It may be conscious or subconscious but that’s not for you to figure out. It depends on the kind of relationship you desire. Get back to putting yourself first and don’t seek attention from the individual. You’ve made it clear what you need and unfortunately your partner is not meeting your needs and tiring you out. Relationships are hard work but aren’t supposed to exhaust you to a point of not knowing your own self worth, you got this!
Thank you for these words. 😭❤️🩹
It looks like he is stringing you along aka “bread crumbing” you. It may be conscious or subconscious but that’s not for you to figure out. It depends on the kind of relationship you desire. Get back to putting yourself first and don’t seek attention from the individual. You’ve made it clear what you need and unfortunately your partner is not meeting your needs and tiring you out. Relationships are hard work but aren’t supposed to exhaust you to a point of not knowing your own self worth, you got this!
