This may be it.
Well everyone who cares, i finally decided that i was not going to do it anymore...maybe i made a mistake but i have had pleanty of time now to really think through a lot of things....i think i may have pulled the plug on this so called "marriage". I came home from work, i told her about the BS day i had, and i was really wound up when i came in the door. The funny thing is, i wasnt mad...im not mad still. Fed up...yes...but...i continued with what has been on my mind. I told her a bunch of yada ya, my feelings, my emotions, her feelings, her emotions, yada yada blah blah blah...and within this coversation i aknowledged that she in fact "was different" as she had stated earlier today, in saying that the woman i married no longer existed (her words)...in talking to her. I also pointed out my own blame for all of this...i pointed out that im a worthless husband for not recognizing her needs at the times she needed me to...i pointed out every bad thing i have ever done in this time of marriage....and i held myself accountable for all of it...i appologized to her and all of that meaningless BS (at this point)...after a bunch more stern voiced, decisive yada ya and blah blah blah....i told her that i know what i want, i explained to her what ive also wanted for her our entire marriage... i then told her that she is the one that needs to figure out what she wants...out of me, out of Gardenir(her online madly in love boyfriend)...what she wants out of this marriage... and more blah blah blah.....i told her that i want an answer by tomorrow, and that if no answer is provided, it will be assumed and im packing my crap and leaving...i told her that there will be regrets, there will be emotions, there will be all of that, and that it will hurt...but that i dont deserve this BS...so she needed to decide him or me...focus on our marriage and fixing things between us or continuing this relationship online with this great guy. F it....i am beginning to emotionally detach from her now...i feel better (for now)
@Ryan575
Well, that's a very strong decision and you're absolutely right in what you wrote. You deserve to be treated well, even if you've made mistakes before. We all make mistakes, but admitting mistakes is a powerful thing, really. So, I think you've already done the hardest part. Now you'll have to either accept loneliness and deal with your emotions, or (if you choose) rebuild the relationship, but that's a job for both. So, respect yourself and be who you think is right. You're strong and you can get through this!
@Ryan575
If you can get through this, you can get through anything. Thanks for sharing, you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.
Hello, I am sorry things got to that point. I think what you did takes tremendous courage! We don't easily realize that. You can be proud of yourself for asking what you want in life and not letting yourself stuck, sinking in the situation. Whatever happens, you can do it! You already did a very hard part. Wish you the best :)
@Ryan575
it is a bold move sadly this sometimes what it takes to get people to see all around them. whatever happens i hope you can find peace and happiness.
Thank you tiger, you have been a great advisor/online bud. Atleast i see it that way anyway. In all honesty, i just need peace. I will never get into another emotional relationship after this. Its sad, i dont really like the idea as it stands. Its just too much for me anymore. She still refuses to acknowledge the pain that she has caused and continues to cause me. I atleast took responsibility for my actions and have tried hard to hold myself accountable for them as well. I now where i messed up and i am truely sorry for those errors in my ways. But i ask you or whever wants to comment on it...which is worse? Emotional negligence (unknowingly or not realizing it at the time) or an extramarital affair with deep emotions attached (knowingly, and blatently in front of the other partner) i mean they are definitely both bad and can be very damaging of course. But on the spectrum of marital problems these days...is one worse than the other? Which is generally mor damaging to relationships, which ones are easier to rebuild from?
@Ryan575
I totally get your points. I really do wish you the best. Emotional connection is important you may find you are ready for it again.
I also am questioning your questions myself ... what is worse? .... Is unknowing neglect or as I see it disregard really ever fully unknown? .. Maybe like an oil change or a dental cleaning we know we need one but this week is really busy..... so we put off making the appointment. we can do it "someday" my spouse has been using someday for decades........ i finally told him someday was years ago and he missed it ... i was no longer waiting.
Will I ever trust that my partner sees me now....... and does not take me for granted .... No I won't.
Sadly the thing is with whatever someone finds in someone online is more then attention of what was missing......it is not recreating what was ... each person may be getting something different.
instead I found someone who wanted to know me now. who really made me feel great as i am .... when we talk he remembers things I said months ago while spouse cannot remember details from this morning....
Maybe she is not ready to see and apologize because she could not tell you what really got out of the relationship. Not sure if my spouse would be ready to hear.
I was so depressed before I was in a very bad way . I told my spouse who claimed i was over dramatic until i showed him i was not then he said go find help so I DID .....my friend saved my life literally.
Should i feel bad if spouse is upset? Should i feel guilty or grateful I got thru one of the darkest times in my life.
I see now relationships need constant input not set and forget....I do not think anyone it it or a perfect match etc... Will we get hurt .....yes.... will we hurt others YES. the trick is IMO to get past the worst.
Sooo, im just going to come out and say it. I litterally almost died today at work. I work in the oilfield, i drive semi trucks with tanker trailers...its not my dream job but its what i got to get me by for now. With this job i haul rando oilfield liquids, things like production water, drill mud, concrete etc. It sucks...long hours, *** pay, all kinds of bad...so i had to haul drill mud to the landfarm to dispose of it..where we dump it is a "pond" but its pretty huge...its like 20 ft deep...full of mixed up fluids that a human body cannot float or swim in. Im backing my truck down the steeply slanted durt ramp while some younger kid was guiding me backwards as a spotter...he guided me too close and the back of my trailer went into the pond just barely hanging off the edge. Now im not sure how much weight was in that 53ft tanker but it was alot. I was pressing down the brakes and was losing air pressure (air pressure keeps the brakes locked)...so im sitting there watching my air pressure guage just d slowly deplete and hoping that i was going to somehow get pulled out before that guage hit zero....they got me out just in time but if i had gone into that "pond" i would have died no doubt...within minutes...and i was seconds away from it happening, because as airpressure was getting weaker...the brakes started releasing more and more and the truck started inching more and more towards the pond...it was so freaking scary....i almost died today.
Sooo, im just going to come out and say it. I litterally almost died today at work. I work in the oilfield, i drive semi trucks with tanker trailers...its not my dream job but its what i got to get me by for now. With this job i haul rando oilfield liquids, things like production water, drill mud, concrete etc. It sucks...long hours, *** pay, all kinds of bad...so i had to haul drill mud to the landfarm to dispose of it..where we dump it is a "pond" but its pretty huge...its like 20 ft deep...full of mixed up fluids that a human body cannot float or swim in. Im backing my truck down the steeply slanted durt ramp while some younger kid was guiding me backwards as a spotter...he guided me too close and the back of my trailer went into the pond just barely hanging off the edge. Now im not sure how much weight was in that 53ft tanker but it was alot. I was pressing down the brakes and was losing air pressure (air pressure keeps the brakes locked)...so im sitting there watching my air pressure guage just d slowly deplete and hoping that i was going to somehow get pulled out before that guage hit zero....they got me out just in time but if i had gone into that "pond" i would have died no doubt...within minutes...and i was seconds away from it happening, because as airpressure was getting weaker...the brakes started releasing more and more and the truck started inching more and more towards the pond...it was so freaking scary....i almost died today.
@Ryan575
Oh my that sounds scary. How did you pull out of it?
did it change your perspective on your life situation.
Yes, im done. Ive put too much work in over the years...maybe not always in the right places. But regardless. I dont deserve this, i deserve to be loved like a husband, not like a friend, not like anything less than a husband, a life long partner...from her that is, i alrady told her that i just need some time to figure out exactly what i need to do but that im not going to put in another 10 years of proving myself to her again and that i dont have it in me...im 40 years old...id rather die alone and not put her through all that anyways. Im leaving as soon as i can. I told her that i hope her and her online boyfriend work out, and that if not him. I hope that she finds someone who can be the type of husband for her that will fulfill all of her needs that i failed to meet. I apologized for failing her over and over, i told her that i still love her with all my heart and that i wished that this was different. Im gone.
Oh, and that i would not abandon her but that i was done being an outcast to her, and that i was done sleeping on the couch.. its been 4 months..almost 5....i. not doing this any longer. I deserve to sleep in the bedroom next to the person i have devoted my life to.
@Ryan575,
I hope that some of what you said resonated with her, so that whatever happens will not create any more distance. It's hard feeling the way you do and not getting emotional. I've been there too and looking back I wished that at times I'd been able to walk away, take some time and speak from the heart, not from the head.
The whole point is, it is not about him, it is about her. She has to figure out what she wants. Move out, create distance, go nocontact apart from spending time with your son, elsewhere, while not reflecting your struggles on your son.
I totally get how you feel, I've been there too, feeling totally neglected, stonewalled, no emotional connection. Told her once, "how would you feel if it was the other way around, I'd have someone i build a strong emotional connection with". It's unfortunately not as simple as that, it is like someone is living in a fantasy world, a way to escape reality.
It's been about 4 years she told me she wanted a divorce, as she saw no other option. It took me all those years to ease down. I don't blame her, it is how she is, how her past issues have learned her how to survive. I still think she made a huge mistake and, knowing her, I am sure she knows. I know (her words) that she still finds it hard to see me hence she avoids any personal contact. I feel sorry for her but hey, it is her life, her decisions. And I am finally moving on, and knowing my love for her never wavered helped me through.
Love is a verb, and sometimes we forget and realize later that love in itself is not enough.
Take care.
You said it perfectly, after giving her the ultimatum...surprisingly, she chose me...i was shocked, however the relationship has definitely taken major damage due to the ultimatum...on both sides. I dont think that much if any of it resonated with her at all. She made the choice for various reasons of course, all being accurate mind you. However, when asked if any of the reasons had anything to do with me directly, she told me that she "cares about me, and cares about my well being" I dont think that is enough for me. Im almost positive if not entirely positive at this point on different levels that there is no love left to be lost. Ive gone through an emotional roller coaster for over a month now, however...im dead inside, numb...my emotions are detaching from her actively. Its crazy, i told her at dinner tonight that i was completely prepared for her to end this marriage...we talked no holds bar, and she is very angry with me of course. Which is fine, i feel sad for her for sure but i know the choice she made will fix nothing. It only caused resentment. Thank you so much for sharing your experience and i can completely relate with you. Im sorry you had to go through that.. it is a very lonely experience for sure (atleast in my case) i hope that you truely are feeling better now. It gives me some hope. Thank you for that.
