Vicious circle
Stuck in a cycle of not being able to go a week without arguing with my partner. Told I'm a disappointment, letting things down because we're not where we should be in life, I'm boring, I'm inconsiderate, I'm too chilled. We've been together nearly 14years but we've got to some mad point now where I feel like I'm seeking approval all the time, don't even think I am being myself just walking on eggshells. I try and talk and get pushed away. At some point in the day I'll give in and stop trying to say something coz I'm fed up of the rejection and I'm tired. How do you get through to someone who feels like they've been let down?
@conscientiousNickel7021
It's not ok for them to call you boring or inconsiderate or just insult you for entertainment.
You also have a right to be heard and respected.
Your feelings matter too.
You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells or give in just because one partner has a bigger personality or needs to be heard 🩷
Thank you for the reminder of what should be normal!!
@conscientiousNickel7021
You will not get thru to them unless you can both be honest.
The thing is they are most likely upset not just where you are as a couple, but where they are. if they are bored they accuse you of being boring...... what specific thing have you as a couple not achieved? what is holding you both back?
By blaming you they most likely tell themselves you are holding them back when even if you were not there, they would not have done the things they feel they are missing out on. Do not seek approval in this circle......... instead call it out. specific plans or goals is how you can measure
Details make it clear. Create a real plan to reach these goals set out each step makes it clear who is not following thru and my guess is it will reveal it was on them too.
@toughTiger6481 well the snappy comments I've had are (I'm told) them being honest and genuine about their feelings so I shouldn't be so sensitive to home truths. While I try and take that for face value...
It's getting to a point where I'm like giving myself almost a checklist when a disagreement starts about something of how to approach and try reconnect. I'm not just me with insecurities. I find myself going back step by step of what's just happened and respond to the thing that has caused atmosphere. (Told it's just like saying what everyone already knows it's a load of hot air, waste of time and energy,). I'll go ok I was being an a££hole I didn't mean to make you feel like that. I'll try reach out for a hug (more often than not I'll get pushed away). We eventually get to a point where I'll get told immnot trying hard enough n I'll be like wait I didn't start arguing in first place. We might patch things up but it'll happen in a few days again n the cycle goes on.
@conscientiousNickel7021
Yes, I have been there ... wanting to argue the points instead of listening. I found the "I feel " statements helped in my case.
it was a turning point for me. instead of talking about whatever they had done....... I said things like " I feel you are not open to discuss things and turn it around on me". mine snapped back with same responses he always had.... and I just said "oh I did not know YOU are in charge of my FEELINGS" ....
"I did not say you did something ........but said it FEELS that way to me". It shut my partner down as NO he could not dispute how I feel.
once he was disarmed by this, he became a better listener. he tried to never push back, or blame based on my use of the "I feel" statements. maybe that was not how people meant that to work, but it did in my case.
if we say things like a fact statement: example " You always do x,y or z" they will argue.
if we say I FEEL this is an issue they cannot really argue OUR feelings. maybe you will have some luck using this it takes effort to implement but it stopped the circular discussions that went nowhere for us.
@toughTiger6481 while I get putting out there what is a real feeling should help a reconnection. I have been doing this and told I am trying to make it all about me, I ask about how they are feeling to be told I don't care coz if I did I wouldn't let the situation escalate the way it has done. If I try do something or say something not related to the situation in hand I get accused of brushing things under the carpet or expecting them to just put feelings aside.
We argued a few days ago, patched things up and the same thing has happened again. I've been massively aware of don't take words to heart just be me and genuine. To the point I was like wow ok what else am I supposed to do here to get a reconnection. I even said do you not think you are being a bit demanding as I've tried aoad of ways to reach out and clearly you don't want to because you are expecting more. The response I got was - I'm not wrong for wanting more....to which I said well you of you wanted to reconnect you would of done already when I've tried to reach out to you.
This cycle is so so frustrating
@conscientiousNickel7021
I so agree with you. The circle is frustrating.
This turning it ion you have worked for a long time for him. so why would he stop set boundaries. It is NOT a quick fix NOTHING in relationships are. AS hard as it is for you to not take the bait when they say it is all about You... it is also hard for them to give up the easy win move they have used. Can you react differently... If they use that on you, can you respond differently? Maybe "i am sorry you feel that way maybe you can focus on that and we can discuss in a couple of days?"
OR example, "I feel we are not making progress as this is a circle argument and any attempt in reconcile is short lived. Life is too short for this".
Then give timeframes to learn to communicate better and quit falling back on patterns or call it over. Each time my spouse would try to use old ways I had Let him shut me down before.... I simply acted as if I was Teflon and never let his old games go on.
@toughTiger6481
I literally feel like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall. I completely agree and I did react completely differently this time, I was cool tried to joke a little bit, spoke calmly.
And I was accused of trying to manipulate the situation and making everything on my terms. I was like I'm sorry you said don't be so defensive so I've completely done that and now you're saying you don't believe I'm being real and I'm playing some kind of game to win. I was like I completely am not playing any kind of game I just wanted to get comfy spend some time together in the evening and it escalated into them storming off into another room. I didn't chase. It was late. Now I'm being accused of getting what I want.
If I try to explain and go through things I'm told I'm making it about me....even though the things I'm talking about are the things I've been criticised for. If I talk about sometelse I'm glossing things over and ignoring their issues.
We're now in a Mexican stand off because I literally have no idea what to say and they clearly don't want to back down. (I did ask if we could drop this and was told you always get your own way so I'm standing up for myself). 😭
@conscientiousNickel7021
This is a relationship not a contest or war. he is keeping imaginary score when you should be on the same team with the same goal posts.
I believe you have tried so many things, but you cannot fix it yourself. Too many Imo want someone to kiss their feet and tell them anything you want dear. he starts to fight more as he knows you are standing up for yourself and will not shut yourself down for his imaginary victory. Until he quits keeping score like he is 10 years old.
@toughTiger6481 Completely agree we should be on the same page. I called them out before n said we need to draw the line this is going on and it doesn't need to. I was told that it's not wrong to want more from a relationship and because at the start I was the one getting chased now it's my turn to do the chasing. It's to do with they've felt they've had to be understanding of my ways and had to constantly prove they love me so now it's my turn. And it's about self respect as to why they haven't drawn a line in things they feel they are standing up for themselves. I was told why don't I keep trying? My response was because I've already been honest in the moment trying to be present but they keep telling me it's not good enough, I'm not believable apparently. Feels like if I go back to being very defensive I will get criticised for that as well
@conscientiousNickel7021
I wish I could wrap my head around that, but I have never heard anyone who chased someone then expect the other person to chase them....sounds like he is not feeling wanted.
Either they wanted to be in the relationship or not, but it is not a game of tag and now it is the other persons turn to chase and show big gestures ... this will get old in trying to outdo each gesture. That to me sounds like trying to make something there that is missing.
@conscientiousNickel7021
This is not a failure on your part if anything it shows great growth. in a video game you have leveled up and he is still stuck in levels you cannot go back to.
I’m right there with you. Going on 16 yrs. And I keep opening myself up to explain how I feel after some huge betrayals. And I get ignored. I don’t remember the last time that he did something nice for me. The way he portrays me is this horrible person. It’s the first time in our relationship that I am struggling and needed his support after years and years of me handling his struggles. And unfortunately I’m by myself. It’s a long story but needless to say I am left with zero support system due to him gossiping about me. Everyday I cry it’s horrible
@tealSkies9787 I'm sorry you finding it hard at the moment. It's challenging when you just want some kind of acknowledgement or something. Can you talk about things emotionally? You mentioned betrayals....how did those conversations come about and how did they get left,? Relationships are hard