What now?
Not really sure where to go from here. Back ground info. I, 39 F, have been married to my, 48M, spouse for 11 years and we've been together for a little over 12 years. We known each since I was around 19. We have my 16 F daughter from a previous relationship and our 9M son together. Lately our marriage is horrible. We don't communicate, we treat each other terribly. We are locked in the cycle of poor behaviors. We are both acting poorly. My behavior and his have been terrible. It came to a head last night and we had a big blow up and he ended up threatening to leave. He didn't but we slept in separate rooms. And barely spoke this morning. I asked about going to couple's therapy and he said no. So, now what? Do we just stay locked in this cycle of *** until we go nuts? Jump straight to divorce? I'm lost.
@StarryNites86
Hey! You are not alone in this. You are not wrong in feeling lost. Whatever you have shared shows that you are in an emotional storm. You, talking about it shows that you are strong person and it is not a weakness. I could understand that the communication sounds broken. The mutual hurt can be tough to handle. The withdrawal through separate rooms and silence is also tough. You are carrying the weight of long relationship, family and a history shared between. You are allowed to feel confused, lost. You are trying to navigate an emotional situation. I hope you take one step at a time! We are here.
@Sirpi thank you. We've been like this for months. The constant arguments. The passive aggressive comments. The silence. I get too nervous to talk about anything and he just doesn't talk about anything so we don't talk. But then he just acts like everything is fine. And I'm supposed to just forget that the last few months happened? Forget that he threatened to leave 2 nights ago? It's like he thinks this is just going to go away and our marriage will just fix itself.
@StarryNites86
It is not a road straight to divorce. many times when a marriage seems to go horrible ...it is often NOT a big issue but instead many small items we have not dealt with.. We cannot put on finger on one big issue... so we seem upset more and more. Maybe we have not shared with each other. I have been in the same type of thing. Still a work in progress.
Communicating is not just talking...... set aside time to discuss and let what the other person said sink in.... people say they talk but if ppl are talking but person is practicing what they will say when it is their turn .. They are NOT listening or absorbing what is said. We need to be clear and honest not assume they understand how we feel or feed clues expecting them to figure it out. i did all of that because it is hard to say things that NEED to be said.
It could also be a personal struggle one or both of you are having at ages close to entering 40 or 50's we tend to take inventory of our lives and if not happy with it we tend to think it is our partners that we were not able to get XYZ done etc.
We've had a lot of disagreements about raising my daughter and that seems to be the central issue that causes most of the fights. He brought up divorce tonight and said basically my daughter will be the reason. I'm pretty much done. He still refuses therapy and says that its an issue with me and how I handle her and how I deal with him and basically he's not part of the problem at all. So yeah. I'm pretty sure my marriage is over.
@StarryNites86
the stepparent input thing is a big issue I saw many marriages with this.
It is never all one sides fault ever... he may reject therapy because he feels cut out of discussion anyway.
@toughTiger6481 the issue is that he wants everything to be 100% his way. If I dont agree with him then he says that I don't care about his opinion. There is no compromising with him. Whenever I try to find middle ground he blows up and thinks I'm just blowing him off. So either I have to agree to do things I don't like or he get *** off. He takes punishing her to an extreme sometimes and I'm not OK with it.
@StarryNites86
Sounds like he needs some sort of counseling. It may be a bigger thing then a stepparent thing in a need for control over you as well.
A grown up understands few things if ever are 100% one way. throwing a fit being *** off and punishing someone because they are mad they did not get their way is childish and immature
@StarryNites86It sounds like you both are stuck in a painful cycle. When communication breaks down, it’s very hard to fix things alone. Since he said no to couples therapy now, you might try individual therapy for yourself to get support and clarity. Keep gently suggesting therapy or ways to improve communication. Focus on small kindnesses and calm talks to break the cycle. If things don’t improve, you may need to consider whether staying together is healthy for you both and your kids. Take time to reflect on what you want and need. Would you like ideas on how to start a calm conversation with him?
@Priyapjw1 I've tried starting calm conversations with him about doing couples therapy. I'm going to individuals therapy as are both the kids ( my daughter and the son my husband and I share). The conversations never go anywhere productive. He either just shuts the conversations about couples down immediately or he gets mad and doesn't speak to me for the rest of the day. So, I've given him a choice. He can either join me in therapy ( I gave him the option to do individual therapy or we can do couples therapy or he can start with solo therapy and we can do couples therapy later) or we can go to a lawyer and mediate a separation. This is cycle is not healthy for anyone and we need to break it somehow. I told him we can get through the holidays but come Jan 1 he needs to make a decision. So, that's where we are. I can't keep holding on to the hope that "one day" things will be different.
