Confused
I have not posted myself on here but find I resonate with many of these posts and feelings that I read here. This might be a long post. I have had a rough few months and feel like this is a good place to spew out what I’m dealing with and going through without judgment and receive positive feedback. I was in a almost 12 year relationship and broke it off with him in May. He treated me terrible and still continues to and at the same time in the same conversation tell me he wants to work it out (not happening). I found a friend who I hadn’t seen in years and we started talking, he had some traumas as well (my dad passed away a year ago and his mom did in April and his wife had split up with him around the same time and finalized his divorce in June). I felt that we knew what each other were going through and that is how it started. I would talk to him about things and he would talk to me and it was someone who knew what I was going through and would listen to what I had to say. As time went on there was an attraction there with both of us so we started hooking up. I am a very insecure person so I question everything so I tend to annoy him with that (past traumas in my relationships). I would not open up my heart again as I know I was not ready for any type of relationship and just enjoyed hooking up and his company. We literally talked everyday, sometimes it would be for hours. I have never felt comfortable with anyone in my whole life and felt heard by him and he was always so sweet to me and put my needs over his own (definitely did not handle his own problems). I listened to outside people and they said they felt he had feelings for me and so I opened up a little more, started to kind of like him a little and just continued the hooking up and talking daily. Well yesterday I call him and he says he can’t do this anymore and it’s too much, that he is broken and doesn’t know which way to go. Me being the person I am told him if I’m too much then I’m willing to stop talking to him and never speak to him again. He told me he would be the one to call me pretty much. I really feel that he is the reason I was able to get through what I did with splitting up with my ex because he showed me what a real good guy was about even though he had his own stuff going on he always put me first. I cried because I opened up not only my heart a little but made myself vulnerable to someone again and this happened and I don’t feel I was as good of a friend as he was to me because I was putting myself first which I’ve never done before in my life. I feel this connection with him because he made me feel better about myself and made me feel like I was important. So after thinking about things and talking to a few friends I realize I don’t want to loose or let go of this person but know he needs some space to handle his own stuff because it is affecting his mindset. I guess I’m just posting this to vent, see what other people think, heck I’m not really sure just know I’ve been dealing with a lot and it helps to read people with similar stories.
@Confused612
I can relate........I really so understand what you are going through.....
Online started as friends talking about our bad marriages or giving advice on how to act with spouses ... we were being treated similarly by long term spouses .....badly.
we talk and he just gets me / does not judge made me feel alive and confident and beautiful etc
as we are just online and shared photos and chats and video meetings ( yes i researched him lol) have seen his family photos on FB etc
we have lifted each other up........ and it took away the pain of being treated like crap.......
now he wants more ............and runs hot and cold.........he once tried to work on his marriage and quit chatting was 2 weeks and i cried for 2 days ....... was getting over it and he starts back ......
If i could ..$ wise and stuff i would run away with him .....
he feels the same even though we both are not young and foolish ........ and divorce would be bad for all.... I think wanting more has both of us confused and on edge and i fully expect him to cool it or quit ......
I do not know what i will do ....i have never connected with anyone like this...... i might be crushed ........or i might be fine feeling more sure of myself and confident in who I am thanks to a most beautiful relationship with this man.
I get it that’s how I feel this guy was very hot and cold and I was not as open to having feelings and once I did I mentioned some messages he sent me about missing everything and liking me and that he thinks about me. He then replied back that he didn’t have feeling in that way but you don’t send those things in a text message and then all the sudden not mean it. I feel the same way I have this awesome connection with him and idk that I can give this up because something in my soul tells me not to. He said he just needs to fix himself or he won’t be better for anyone and I get that and want to allow it but doesn’t make it any easier, he says he will still reach out and check on me and that we are still friends but I take it like we were literally having sex weekly and talking everyday, how do you expect me to just be ok with occasional text or maybe a call?
...something to share here and wanting to get your thoughts...one sec, be right back
Limerence...that's what this sounds like.
The 3 stages are:
Stage 1-Infatuation. You're a new interest, and a better option than what he has, hence he treats you perfect!
Stage 2-Crystallization (i.e. a perfect life is in the picture, he says "I want you to be my wife")
Stage 3-Deterioration (i.e. doesn't want to pick up phone calls, sleep together, spend time together, or say "I love you")
Here's some podcasts you can listen to for a better understanding or see if it's even relevant to what may be going on in his heart and mind. It may not apply in your situation.
I ran across these podcasts only
because my wife left almost 3yrs ago, but for her, reasons were
different, but still puzzling to me. So I found marriagehelper.com
https://marriagehelper.com/three-stages-madly-love-limerence-dr-joe-show-podcast/
https://marriagehelper.com/the-first-stage-of-limerence-podcast/
https://marriagehelper.com/the-second-stage-of-limerence-podcast/
https://marriagehelper.com/the-third-stage-of-limerence-podcast/
Hope this helps regardless if you 2 end up together or work towards closure.
This is some chemistry that happens in the brain. For some, it lasts as little as 6 months, and for others, it can last up to 48 months. They say, it Always comes to an end, almost 99% of the time. There's this thing called "the valley". In this situation, he is in confusion and sways back and forth wanting the best of both worlds...
@G01ngPaga1what do you mean by that? So you’re telling me it is nothing more than what I’m thinking, you don’t think a relationship could ever come out of it? I know we have been there for each other him just more for me then I have for him and I have a lot of insecurities and I think sometimes it has affected things. I also know he has not dealt with his mothers passing or losing the relationship so I get him wanting to get his head straight because I need to do the same myself.
@G01ngPaga1 when you say best of both worlds you say relationship and friendship or hoping up and friendship?
@Confused612i don’t believe the post you posted applies bc we weren’t in relationships
@Confused612
..so this may all be nonsense and not apply at all. I get that for sure. Please don't mind me. I realize people are complex and emotions, responses, scenarios are always different and changing...It was that both of you experienced a loss of some kind (parent[s], spouse, and your relationship partner)...both seeking comfort and able to relate. Usually that is how a connection develops for most that are already in a committed relationship to another, but not in your case. It first starts emotional, then turns physical. In your case it was first physical, then an emotional connection started to develop.
Whoever goes into this "new" type of relationship first meaning being anxious, pressing, or craving to hurry connection is the person who usually is the one who's affection, reciprocation starts to fade first and the relationship dynamic changes.
As far as best of both worlds, I meant that are you absolutely sure divorce actually took place, finalized? If not, then there maybe some efforts of reconciliation going on at the same time while holding onto what he has going on with you.
My hopes are that both of you are in the clear to pursue what feels right. Hopefully he deals with whatever inner struggles that are taking place and then able to be the person that you've seen him as that started winning your heart over..he's able to completely focus on you and building on what was initially started.
I'm here if something else comes to mind. Again, none of this may apply and my apologies if I overstepped...🙏, do forgive.
Take care..
No you did not over step, he is legally divorced it is on the court website. He is actually friend of my brothers and my mother and him are very close and she has spoken to him and he had said the same things to her. He said he can’t be good for anyone if he is not good for himself and I think I might have been a little more overbearing at times and that also caused issue from my past traumatic relationships. I think he just needs to find his closure in his own way without my help as much as I’d like to be there not everyone grieves and handles things the same way so I’m trying to give him space to work it out for himself all while keeping a close distance incase he does decide he might reach out for my assistance. I’m not saying I’m waiting around because this is fairly fresh and am not attempting to rush into something else but I also want him to feel I’m here genuinely for him as his friend.
@Confused612
Looks like you have a good plan in place.
Goodness. Your thread gave me chills as I am sorta experiencing the same scenario. Being in a relationship for 15 years, separated in December and now being vulnerable/catching feelings for someone else, something I did not intend on during the split my ex. The new person and I grew close and recently it’s been some distance with us. We talked everyday from sun up to sun down by phone or text, spent nights together, opened up about dark secrets and was totally comfortable with one another about everything.
@unique1one
Same, we talked everyday unless I was working at night (I work nights he works days) and I would still text through the night or call on my break. I am very damaged from previous relationships so I do and say stupid things so I believe that might have been part of the reason but I’m not sure on that because I do not have answers from him other than he needs to work on himself. My “guy friend” does not know I developed any feelings bc I was afraid to tell him. I’m not sure if he knew or whatever but I just feel I can’t let him go, something in me tells me he is the one I’m meant to be with.
@unique1one
Any questions being asked as to why the distancing?
@G01ngPaga1
no but im wondering myself and I feel like I don’t want to bother him so I haven’t questioned
