He cheated 20+ years ago. What an I suppose to do?
My husband (42M) recently told me that he cheated on me (40F) during the first 5 years of our relationship. He basically said he was with anyone willing during that time including my then and still now best friend. I’m completely blindsided from both of them and don’t know how or what to feel. We’ve been married now 20 years. His response to me being upset was that it doesn’t matter anymore because it was such a long time ago and he would never do that now. He said he regrets telling me it now and just wants us to forget about it and move on. All I’ve been able to do is keep things as normal as possible. We have kids and I don’t want to tell them. But all I keep thinking is why wasn’t I enough? And was I really who he wanted to marry or did he just do it because I was there and he was comfortable with me.
I was hoping to hear how others have coped with this kind of betrayal and/or from someone who learned years later of the cheating. Thank you.
@BrOKen168
If it was such a long time ago and meant nothing, then why tell you now?
That's a massive betrayal from your bf.
Best friends don't do that, simple.
I'm sorry they both treated you this way.
It's important your feelings are not swept away, just because your husband feels like it was nothing.
Sleeping with others is not nothing.
Betraying you is not nothing.
How would he like it if the shoe was in the other foot? 💙
@Amanda84 Thank you for your kind words! I believe that he was just trying to clear his conscience. I did ask him how he’d feel if it were the other way around and he said he’d be ok with it. I guess it just shows how differently we view things.
@BrOKen168
Do you believe him when he says he would be okay with it? Or do you think that's his way of avoiding acknowledging that he hurt you?
@BrOKen168
It is not you. that is first and foremost the item I will say to someone who has found something like this out. It is not about your being enough or anything like that. I honestly if in your case would be angry with a "best friend" as they were no friend at all. Please do not overthink and assume it does no good.
When someone cheats or steps across a line, they had what they thought was a reason but doubt they can share it in a way others can see it. My spouse strayed once and it was and is a scar in our relationship. My view changed and is different because I see it from a different view.
First people change........ and sometimes we do not see change or issues in the moment. The person he was and you were back then, are not who you are now. We cannot go back and analyze as we are not in the same place.
Questions for yourself ..........why did he confess now? Was this confession for himself? as lies and secrets eat at people. did he consider you when trying to shed this guilt or whatever was poisoning him from within? would you prefer to never know and he never said anything?
Sometimes people need to have a few deep discussions over time to be able to move on. My partner cheated many years ago. We discussed many times as recent as a year or so ago, it does not change the fact but now I have a better understanding. The relationship was hard at the time, but I honestly was oblivious about the status of things. I may have told people it was solid but that phase it was not. I took many years to see it. i could tell you my story but yours will be different as this type thing is never one size fits all.
@toughTiger6481 Thank you for your insight! I believe he was just trying to clear his conscience. He doesn’t want to talk about it, he says it’s unnecessary and it would just make things worse. I feel so ashamed at the coward I’m being. I can only hope my daughter never finds out about any of this, I don’t ever want her to think this is ok.
@BrOKen168
I am glad if any word can help. I feel if they could have gotten away with never saying thing but did it was because of guilt/ conscience
@BrOKen168 I am so sorry that this happened to you! But please know this-- this has nothing to do with you and you are not the problem.
The problem is that you were betrayed from by the man you chose to spend the rest of your life with. The problem is you were betrayed by someone whom you considered a best friend. These are not loving actions on their part. To be guilty of infidelity and to have kept it a secret for 20 years from you... well, wow! People will always show you who they really are. Remember that.
For your husband to say he regrets telling you about the cheating... well, that's just selfish. He can say he regrets now telling you, but did he ever express how he regrets cheating on you... breaking your heart... breaking your trust? You deserve far better than this.
Despite the fact you deserve better, I would never say leave him or your marriage. 20+ years is a long time to be married to someone. You made your vows. And he did too. As you know, marriage requires a lot of work. There's gotta be forgiveness, compromise, and sometimes sacrifice. He's finally come clean about his infidelity, but yet this is something you have not yet been able to process. There has been no work in rebuilding the marriage and the lost trust. He has to make amends and earn that back. He can't let 20 years go by, sweep it under a rug, tell you, and expect you to be over it because of how long ago it was.
Yes, the past is the past. We can't go back and change it. But it doesn't mean just be ok with what happened to you. He owes you an apology. You are worth that. He can't be selfish and think you're the problem because you are hurting from this or because you can't let it go. You should not have to right now. You need time to heal. You are entitled to take as much time as you need. He took 20 years to come clean with you, after all. I really hope that you can find healing. If this marriage is what you want, then I really hope you can find genuine, true forgiveness in your heart. Don't let this hurt turn you cold. Don't let it fester and make hate enter into your heart. Please learn to release it and forgive for you... not him. Stay strong. ❤️
@YourCaringConfidant Thank you for your support 🩷
@BrOKen168
So sorry you are going through this. Just my opinion but if it meant nothing and happened so long ago but he is bringing it up it could mean he feels guilty about something else. It is hard especially finding out so much later. If you need to talk reach out. Wishing you the best.
