My boyfriend's behaviour triggers my childhood traumas
Hi everyone,
I'm new here and my name is Alice, nice to meet you all.
I'm writing this because I've been in a relationship for almost three years now, and I'm seriously thinking of quitting because it's destroying me on a psychological level.
Long story short, the main issue we have is that his behaviour triggers my childhood traumas. I'm an overthinker and I need words of explanation to stop me from thinking too much, while he's quiet and almost never says what he has on his mind. He loves me, I know, and he demonstrates it with his actions, which is amazing, if it wasn't for the fact that that's not enough, because sometimes I would love to hear him saying what he likes about me. Sometimes I feel taken for granted and like I'm not one of his priorities.
When we argue he shuts up and this is destroying me, because I think and think and think and I get so angry on waiting that I just want to pack up and leave.
He's always telling me that this is my problem, that I need to fix this, so I went in therapy for a year and I found out to have some childhood trauma that makes me feel unloved/unworthy. That helped for a little while, but eventually we went back to the start, with silence and overthinking.
I tried to explain him that the only thing I need is communication when aguing, because that instantly stop my mind from thinking. I tried to get better at this but it's almost never enough. He is also cold when cuddling and kissing (he doesn't like it), while I'm more affectionate and fiery and I need that kind of love, so when I'm with him I never feel satisfied.
In the last discussion I told him I need a break from this because I can't take it anymore, it's so painful every time. He told me to take this pause for learning how to not overthink when he is silent. My friends are suggesting me to leave him because they say he is blaming me for everything, while he's doing nothing to help me woth this. The say he's not the one for me, but I love him and when I see he's trying to get things better I want to give him one more chance. Deep down I now that this thing will never be completely right, but I'm trying to understand if solving this trauma of mine will solve everything in our relationship, knowing that these kind of traumas never go away completely.
Please feel free to write your own thoughts about this. Thank you so much for listening.
@AllieCice
Hi.
Maybe you should go to a counseler for pair together?
From Helga.
He doesn't want to go in therapy. I think he's scared he might find out something he doesn't like or I don't know.
Hi Alice. Thanks for sharing. I believe I experience the same thing that you do in your relationship. I also struggled from childhood traumas and need alot of reassurance. We both overthink as well and when he’s upset he blocks me out which doesn’t make it any better. What so do know is that if you both love each other then you guys would do what it takes to meet each other’s love languages. You deserve a partner who wants to meet you halfway. I also applaud you for undergoing counseling. You took the necessary effort to recognize what was causing this discord in your relationship. Mayer this time you both can get some relationship ship counseling so you can both benefit. The last thing I’ll say is don’t be afraid fo protest your self worth and values and walk away if things don’t improve. I am here for you. ❤️
@AllieCice,
seems to me that your friend's attitude can do with quite a bit of improvement. He does not really seem to respect you.
Have a look at these links, share them with him (as in; sit down and talk about it):
https://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn/
If he does not want to share and still does not want to admit that he is part of the problem too, then I would seriously reconsider you and him.
Warmth and love to you.
I read all of the replies and i agree with all of them, but i will be the devil advocate on this one. Him being a silent person is not his fault, you liked and loved him from the beginning to enter in a relationship with him. Guys usually try to avoid an argument by keeping the silence or they don’t have a reply in that instance. Overthinking is a thinking pattern that can improve with CBT, maybe even be cured. It’s sad that he doesn’t want to see a counselor with you, maybe there is a way of persuade him to re evaluate this matter. But i encourage you to try cbt or maybe see a counselor who can help you apply cbt for your particular situation, for me it doesn’t seems like a childhood matter anymore but a thinking pattern. If you get out of the relationship saying that it was his fault you can start a new one and deal with the same problem. I hope this insight will motivate you to take the decision you see fit. Sorry if i seem harsh, i really want to help! Lots of love!🤗
@AllieCice
Hi Alice. 😊 Summarizing what you've shared in my own words:
You've had certain kinds of traumatic experiences where if someone is silent, it feels ambiguous what they're thinking/feeling and it really causes a lot of stress/anxiety. The person you're in a relationship with has a coping style where if there is some conflict, he tends to shut off and go silent, which doesn't mesh well with that traumatic history.
You've mentioned to him that this is something that causes you distress. You've asked if he would be willing to communicate more when a conflict is happening or change his style a bit. However, he's insisted that any distress you are feeling is entirely your problem (and not something that he has to adapt to at all), and he's pushed for you to seek out therapy and figure it on your own. You've done exactly that and spent a year in therapy, and you now understand where that feeling comes from. But the relationship still feels unsatisfying, like some of his actions/words are cold and he isn't offering the kind of openness/affection you're seeking that would help you feel safe and cared for.
***
My own reaction is that I'm disappointed/frustrated that he isn't willing to do anything at all or give even a little bit from his side to help you feel more comfortable. It bothers me that he's basically framed it as "If you feel bad, it's 100% your fault and not my responsibility at all. It's all because of your trauma. You need therapy. Good luck with that." I can understand how you'd come away from that feeling like he doesn't really care or like he's a bit cold/indifferent to everything you're experiencing.
What I wish would happen is that there would be some kind of collaborative communication where the two of you would discuss, share your respective needs/expectations, and work together to try to come up with a strategy for how to handle this that satisfies *both* of your needs and compromises between the two perspectives. Sure, maybe there are things you can't realistically ask him to do and he has his own style/personality that needs to be respected. And maybe there are also certain concessions you're willing to make that would help him feel comfortable. But at the same time, maybe there are also certain minor behavioral changes he could make that would go a long way toward helping you feel safe/secure and respecting *your* communication style as well--with minimal effort needed on his part.
I don't accept the idea that this is all on you or that this is 100% trauma. I feel like the general situation of him expecting you to do all of the work/sacrifice without him giving even a little bit from his side to ensure there's reciprocity is unfair/imbalanced, and that would be the case for anybody in a relationship even if there were no prior traumatic history.
