Wife cheated after 6 years of marriage
Hi everyone, first time utilizing the app but here we go..
Over the weekend my (31M) wife (27f) cheated while out at a family member’s bachelorette party.
We have been married for 6 years (together for 8). We have always been great together, best friends, no trust issues, talking about kids, everything was fantastic.
In the total timespan of our relationship we have only had one issue in which she continued to keep in touch with her ex boyfriend via Snapchat, this was on and off - I expressed it made me uncomfortable but didn’t push to hard as to not come off as insecure.. after all they dated when she was 14 and in and off until around 16. I was assured (and still believe) that it was nothing malicious.
She recently deleted Snapchat to cut communication with him.
Fast forward to this weekend:
my wife went out with her two sisters and their friends for one of the sister’s bachelorette party.
on Saturday they spent all day at the beach drinking and then went to a club and continued to drink. At some point in the night she wondered off from the group and went dancing. As the night went on she ended up meeting a guy, making out with him and getting his number (that is where things stopped, no sex )
once they got home she redownloaded snap chat and ended up talking with her (previously mentioned) ex boyfriend. Things escalated and he ended up sending her nude pictures and eventually a picture of him ejaculating. I asked her if she sent nude pictures back and she swears she did not, but did send cleavage pictures.
Although she did not send Nudes, there were definitely sexual messages sent (ex: “do you wish that was in my face”) and the snaps were all replayed
i found this out after becoming suspicious that she had Snapchat back (her name now showed on my friends list) so after a day or so of deciding if I should log in and look at her messages I decided to do so. I checked them on Sunday as she was headed home.
that’s when my heart dropped.
I found the conversations between her and the ex boyfriend and also saw a message to him where she said she saw a guy that looked like him in the bar and made out with him.
when she got home I confronted her about all of this and did so in a way that she brought it up. Ie: she asked why I was asking weird , I said why don’t you tell me why I am acting weird.
at that point she knew she was caught and told me everything.
we have had many conversations about what happened that night since and I do believe she is being honest now.
the first three days I was a wreck and could not control my emotions (anger, heartbreak)
everything has crossed my mind, from staying together, to divorce…
it’s been a rough couple of days. I don’t really know what to do. I believe we can work through it, but I fear trust issues and resentment in the future.
I really just need this put into perspective.
I can’t imagine 6 years of marriage down the drain because of 15 minutes, but it really was a huge betrayal.
Apologies for the brain dump. Hopefully it makes sense
@HiHowAreYou91
I can only imagine the pain of lost trust. Don't make rush decision. Sleep on this for a few days. If she told you everything and honest now, it's repairable. But the ex has to disappear from her life for good.
Tough one
On one hand, your wife told the truth. On the other hand, she seems to not be able to let go of her ex boyfriend
Question is, why.
I suggest to two of you find a relationship therapist both of you feel comfortable with.
There is something beneath the surface that has been simmering for a long time, and you won't be able to figure it out yourselves.
Good luck.
For what's worth, it feels to me the love is still there. But you need to deal with whatever your wife needs once and for all.
Firstly I’m so sorry you’re going through this rough patch in what otherwise seems like a happy and amicable marriage. If she broke your trust and the terms of your marriage, that’s not right.
So it sounds like you were able to log into her account from your own device and see the messages between them after you realizing her account was reactivated which led you to finding out about the bachelorette party and reconnecting with her ex.
This is mere speculation but it sounds like she’s harking back to a time she never got to experience. Idk how old the person who had the bachelorette party is, but your wife got married young and even younger when she started dating you at 19 it seems. So If she’s at this party where the bachelorette is maybe now the same age as her she may fear whar she missed by getting settled down so early so the drinking aka liquid courage gave her what she needed to pursue it and not be afraid. She obviously didn’t want you to know and wasn’t planning on telling you, so I don’t think she wanted to hurt you. Obviously that doesn’t justify her actions.
given that she started dating you at 19, she must’ve been pretty young when she was with her ex. He might take her back too to those younger days and make her feel youthful again. The bachelorette party which signifies someone going from single to officially married sometimes said as “an honest man/woman” could’ve awoken something in her that made her feel she missed out on things. Also at bachelorette or bachelor parties many times the subject of the party will do things that they’ll no longer be “allowed” to when married; it sounds like she acted as if it was her own party and she was given one more night of wild freedom.
You’re going to have to talk to her and work this out firstly by finding out why she did what she did. I know this is extremely rough but try to put emotions aside to understand what made her feel this urge. Find out if she wants to stay together. Did she seem remorseful and apologize? Things would have to change such as deleting her Snapchat and cutting this ex off completely. Clearly it’s tempting to her and apparently he doesn’t respect her marriage enough to not be tempting her or keeping his distance.
I’m wishing you all the best and hoping you two can resolve this in the most amicable way
Thank you all for the insightful posts.
I feel like I have gotten past the initial shock of things, yesterday was much better than the previous days. I still have anger but I think thats probably normal.
we are to a point where we are able to laugh together and enjoy things but there is still some underlying tension.
we have made the focus on being very open and communicating which has been helpful. She has kept the door open for any lingering questions and has not closed off the conversation
she currently has a therapist and has talked to him in the bast regarding the ex thing and has been working through that (which is why she initially deleted snapchat)
as of now she has broken communication with him and understands that he can not come back into her life, obviously that is something that we will have to see how it plays out but I think she understands the consequences of future communication
we are working on getting set up with a marriage counselor and I think I will be setting up something with a therapist individually as well to work through my own feelings
it’s definitely still in the back of my head throughout the day and when we are hanging out ( even when having happy moments) but I think that will take time to heal.
we did marry young. She was 20 when we got married and 18 (about to turn 19) when we started dating, so maybe you’re on to something about the feeling of missed opportunities being triggered at the bachelorette party. She never really got the opportunity to go out to bars and be the single girl. Not making excuses for her, but working on understanding her perspective
the goal as of now is to work on repairing the marriage and we both understand that it’s going to take time and work to do so.
Major props to you for taking the time and patience to work with her through this. I am glad the responses here have helped shed some insight and help you process your thoughts hopefully too. I’m glad to hear you all still have that strong connection of being able to spend time together and laugh—I imagine as partners who’ve been together that long you probably are also each others’ best friend.
it’s Great she’s going to therapy and also that you are going to set up couples counseling. It sounds like there is too much of a connection to at least try not to save it.
@heatlightning yes she did seem remorseful and has Been apologizing profusely. I believe she understands how much she has screwed up
You got a honest conversation she has to understand she did hurt you if no understanding you politely ask counseling she would have to drop the x stuff you're married she didn't marry him set boundaries for things like this you'll work through it