Bad husband or over stressed or both?
I’m sure we are all familiar with the cliche of before while dating there’s the promise that we will have sex all the time once we’re married. Well to make a few points before I bear my soul:
1. My wife and I have been married 3 1/4 years and I love her very much.
2. When we were dating I expressed that I love her for her not for her body or for sex, this is still very much true.
3. While we were dating I also expressed that I have a high sex drive and she accepted that. We had even talked about frequency and all of that.
4. I have never nor will I ever pressure her to have sex with me nor would I ever coerce her into having sex.
With all that said, I’m here today because I feel like I’m a horrible person and husband. I feel horrible because I feel that what we talked about while dating was a lie because we are barely having any sex. And when we do have sex it feels like she wants to do it out of duty not because she wants to actually have sex. And that makes me feel worse because I don’t want to reject her and say no because that has hurt her feelings before. And when I say yes I feel icky because again it doesn’t feel like she wants to. I come to that conclusion because she’ll offer and say let’s do a quickie or you do all the work. Every time she offers and it doesn’t feel like she wants to I always offer an out by saying we don’t have to if you don’t want to or it’s ok if you’re tired. I’ve expressed to her before that I think physical touch is one of my love languages and that I have been feeling rejected lately. We spend the evening together and work mostly during the day and the time we spend together is watching tv. I’ve made suggestions of going out to do stuff together but that’s rejected. So am I a bad husband for wanting something more meaningful in bed or for feeling abandoned or rejected because of lack of intimacy? I don’t want to watch porn because it’s horrible and unethical and self pleasure just isn’t enjoyable otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this at 1:39 in the morning.
@blueZebra6289
This is a big issue in marriage and it is frustrating for both sides. There can be many things holding this up. All the talk when dating IMO rarely materializes.
How is the emotional connection in marriage? For many women they need a strong emotional connection to feel into the mood. How is the subject brought up? Is it small touches and spontaneous or planned like a dental cleaning on this day approx this time...lol If other things are not being addressed they may not feel open to anything physical. Also in a busy life some days we may not feel up to it, tired or stressed .
My spouse was always a morning person, I would prefer nights. It soon became he was "too tired" at night .....so i felt forced to do in morning..... I grew to despise it because my needs or preferences were NOT considered. It was many things we did not discuss openly like things he liked that did NOTHING for me.
Many people do not talk openly about sex... they assume if something worked before etc. Things like you posted about quickie or " do all the work" are big signals that it is seen as a chore not something they want to do.
Addressing this should be a frank and honest talk that may be very uncomfortable for both sides. Listen as most people may not make it clear at first they instead are trying to not hurt anyone's feelings ... be willing to change things up that works for both of you.
You need more foreplay with her. Make her comfortable with you, make her feel sexy, lead her, dont ask for permission just go foreplay for her. If she dont want to do maybe you cant stop and understand her. Talk romantically. Whatever she said you must understand and be valid. Make her orgams first and then you. Maybe take care your hygiene too.
You need more foreplay with her. Make her comfortable with you, make her feel sexy, lead her, dont ask for permission just go foreplay for her. If she dont want to do maybe you cant stop and understand her. Talk romantically. Whatever she said you must understand and be valid. Make her orgams first and then you. Maybe take care your hygiene too.
Maintaining a relationship is such hard work.
It's not entirely clear but all what you've said about how you feel have you talked to her about it because not matter what any one says here it's your wife you need to hear from.
Unmet needs over years will grow and fester into unhappiness and trying to deal with it on your own never works out.
You have to be honest with yourself and open to what she says. It can be sad and many years later before working out you're not compatible and you both deserve to be happy with no one having to fake it for each other.
Sounds like marriage therapy is a route you should consider allowing a safe space to express how you feel with a professional to help bring things to focus and push things in a more constructive way. I think we all some time when feeling critiqued to push back defensively and often personally.
If you ultimately want to be happy you have to be true to yourself and that might not be with your wife if things don't change one way or another.
No one's wrong here just sometimes too different