Help pls! Really confused about my same gender romantic fantasies that I do not desire in real life- am I biromantic or bisexual because of fantasies?
Hey ya'll,
Im so confused right now. I am a woman in her mid 20's and identify as hetro-romantic as I am not really that sexually interested in men but can form romantic attractions to men.
A few times I have had active (meaning I was awake) romantic fantasies of being with celebrity women (actress and an athlete) and imagined being in a dating relationship (living together, kissing etc) and yet as soon as the fantasy was done I couldnt help but laugh at it because I have no attraction towards these women but I have been watching lesbian movies and maybe it got me curious at to what it would be like.
I was turned on by the romantic fantasy but for whatever reason it doesnt crossover to any real life desire.
So my question is do these romantic fantasies that I have no desire to make real mean that I am now bisexual or biromantic? Also is it normal to fantasize about people you are not attracted to in real life? I am not attracted to these celebrity women at all so what explains me fantazing about them and being turned on? If anyone can help answer these two questions you would really be helping me out as I feel very confused and alone :( and feel like I am suffering from an identity crisis :(
I've read online that romantic fantasies can indicate one's sexual orientation, is this true? And what about if I don't actually want to act out those fantasies does it still change my sexual orientation?
Ohh and I am also a virgin as like I said I am not that interested in sexual acts but can form romantic attraction to men hence why I identify with hetroromantic as a way of dientifying myself and my feelings.
@sunnyApple1829
"Is it normal to fantasize about people you are not attracted to in real life?"
Yes! Fantasys sometimes have no bearing on our actual attraction. A fantasy is different than an intention, and attraction is about want and intent. Who you want to be sexual/romantically involved with is what defines your orientation. While fantasys can indicate a persons orientation, they are not a sure sign. A fantasy with no real intent is just a fantasy.
@UntilThen
Thank you so much for your reply, it has really helped me start to make sense of the deep confusion I have been feeling and made me feel less alone.
Sorry to be a pain but can I ask does having those romantic fantasies and a bit sexual fantasies of those two celebrity women mean that I am attracted to them? I havent fantasized about the two celebrity women apart from those few times 1-3 times that was in the past and outside of these fanatsies I never desired them when I saw them in movies and in sports and I still do not desire them but the fantasies have offset so much confusion to the point where I have this doubt in my head telling me " if you fantasized about them romantically and dating them you must like them" but then I look at them on social media and on tv and feel nothing-no crush feelings, no "aww I'd like to be with her".
This is the only other question I have and sorry if you feel you already addressed it, its just I have learning difficulties so sometimes when I read stuff I dont always grasp it all very well though I got what you wrote very well and understand what you wrote so thanks.
@sunnyApple1829
No need to feel bad about asking further questions - thats what we are here for!
Fantasizing doesnt necessarily mean you are attracted to someone. A common myth about fantasys is that they reflect the actual wants of the person. Most, if not all people, have things they enjoy fantasizing about sexually/romantically that they would never actually want to carry through with. If you would not actually want to follow through then I would consider it nothing more than a fantasy.
Also - you can be attracted to someone in more ways than sexual and romantic. There is also aesthetic attraction where you think they are very attractive and good looking but do not have any kind of sexual or romantic inclination. It is common for people to have aesthetic attraction accomidated by sexual/romantic fantasies without actually experiencing sexual/romantic attraction.
@UntilThen
Thank you so much for clarifying that for me. So to conclude am i correct in understanding that fantasies that one has no desire to make real have no impact on ones sexual orientation and that your orientation is defined by you real life feelings around real life people?
@sunnyApple1829
Yep!
@UntilThen
Thank you :) I feel so much more better and understand the whole fantasies and sexuality topic now. You have been brilliant, I really appreciate your time in helping me out.
@sunnyApple1829
I'm proud of you for sharing and I am happy I was able to help.
@UntilThen Hey there, I hope you are well. Apoogies for rehashing this old thread but I just wanted to confirm with you if when you were reading my thread you got the part where I wrote that the romantic fantasies I had of the two celebrity women were active. Meaning it was intentional and I was awake, differentiating it from dreams or unintentional fantasies?
It was a sily thing for me to do as I know I suffer from generalized anxiey which makes me panic whenever I am confused about a topic and develop problems comprehending basic information. A few women told me that because I had intentionally and actively fantasized about those celebrity women in the past (2-3 times) it differed from dreams and that because I was awake and intended to fantasize about them and was attracted to them in those fantasies it equated to attraction. I explained to them that I was attracted by the thoughts and as soon as the thoughts left so did any attraction, for example, I felt no crush feelings or attraction when I saw these two celebrity women on tv or social media. It was attraction felt by images in my mind but as soon as it was over there was no feelings for these celebrity women. I feel like I have confused them about what I am saying and I understand its complicated but its my reality. I am not sure if those women have a lot of knowledge on sexuality or not but I respect their opinion as everyone is entitled to have theirs.
I just wanted to double check that you got the part about it being an active/intentional fantasy that I was conscious of being involved with and based on this if you felt your feedback would change i.e. do you believe the fact that it was an active, intentional fantasy that despite no desire for these women when seeing them on tv/social media that it still equates to attraction?
Sorry for going on about this issue, at this stage I am not sure if what I am experiencing is anxiety issues or if this is a normal confusion people experience in regards to topics relating to sexuality. I dont think it helps that I am a virgin by choice who doesnt really care for intimacy with real people. I'll completely understand if you don't have time to respond as I know so many people on here need support too.
@sunnyApple1829
No worries, I love knowing I'm able to help. Yes I did understand. Reguardless of awakeness, fantasys don't always need to reflect our actual attraction. A fantasy is different than an intention, and attraction is about want and intent. Who you want to be sexual/romantically involved with is what defines your orientation. Is there a reason that shese fantasys are causing you so much distress?
@UntilThen
UntilThen
Thank you so, so much for your time and reply. I was so confused about the conflicting feedback I got and I dont think you know just how much you have helped (I literally got teary eyed just now and for so many months I have felt so numb and depressed so the fact that I feel emotion right now is testament to just being truly inspired by the kindness and patience of your time and finally feeling free to close thiis chapter).
In terms of why these fantasies and sexuality in general is causing me distress, I've looked into this issue very extsentively and I've realised it's not actually sexuality that is casuing me the problem, its anxiety and an obsessive mindset. I have past problems with this issue as it pertains to my health (obsessing and letting it affects my life), I also had past experience with perfomance anxiety (also let it stop me from living) and then I looked into my sexuality and then started analysing it, got confused becuse sexuality is confusing and then let the confusion stop me from living and causing depression. I haven't seen a health care specialist as I do not have the money but I think I can reverse this way of obsessing through reconditioning my mind to stop letting confusion lead to anxiety. Its okay to be confused, its not okay to let that confusion stop you from participating in life, which I have too often done with my health, performance and now sexuality confusion and anxiety. Its a pattern of worrying and then obsessing and letting it affect me from living. I am cosntantly doubting what I read, if I undertsood it correctly and it has nothing to do with sexuaity but rather the way my mind needs to "know for certain". It doesnt matter if the topic of my mind focus is sexuality, work or health, it has the same process of over anayzing, stressing, depression. The only difference is with sexuality there are varied opinions, its a complicated topic, so how can my mind know an answer for certain? My mind is unable to trust itself to come to its own conclusion because the way it works is that it keeps repeating "well as someone whose never been in a relationship, how do you know what attraction is. You need to seek objective feedback because you do not know and because you do not know you need to find an answer as soon as possible or you can't walk through life being completely confident in yourself because you do not know yourself". Do you see how such a thinking can cause one to over anayse and obsess over something other people would think is a non-issue? That's my issue. I thought I was over it when I last spoke to you but because ive let all these obsessions go one for a whole year, I feel like Ive conditioned my mind to worry non stop. I am now working on ending this cycle of worry.
I can't thank you enough. If you know of any resources that I can read on anxiety,obsessions, learning to live life despite the confusion, please feel free to share (though no obligation). e confusion, feeling alone and then the non stop analyzing despite knowing my real life feeings just made me feel awful, lose my self confidence, lock mysef in my house. I tried to reason that this whole difficult journey was mean't to teach me something and it has but there is definitely no romanticising the many days and nights I just wish my mind would just stop needing answers for every little thing.
But I am more hopeful than I have ever been and that's because for a few weeks I've been analysing what is the root issue and as noted above I believe I can now pinpoint that this has nohing to do with sexuality (yea I was genuinely confused about what attraction is and you've helped so thank you) but its actualy more so to do with the very problematic way my mind react to confusion and I believe I can learn to recondition my mind to better manage confusiona nd uncertainty. Hope that makes sense. Thanks again :)
@sunnyApple1829
"I feel like Ive conditioned my mind to worry non stop. I am now working on ending this cycle of worry."
Though this is a very difficult thing to be dealing with, it's an amazing first step that you have been able to recognize what thoughts are causing you this distress. Something that has helped me in the past with this sort of issue is to try to have secondary thoughts. This looks like training yourself to have a second thought after a negative/toxic thought you have. An example for this which could work for you is whenever you think "How can I really know what my sexuality is if I have these fantasys?" teach yourself to think "I don't need to worry about that, a fantasy is just a fantasy if I don't want to act on it. I know that and am just worrying." After a while, it gets pretty easy and can be really helpful.
As for other resources, I dont have anything specific but I would encourage you to look for outside help. There are more low-cost options than more people think. I have a long list of therapy resources which you can find HERE. I hope this is at least somewhat helpful :)
@UntilThen
Wow, thank you so much. The secondary thoughts is such a great idea. Honestly, I feel like that is exactly what I was looking for. I'll make a note to do that in going forward. Thank you also for the link to resources, I really appreciate that. Yes, I'll keep an eye out for low cost options and in the meantime I am just being proactive in doing what I can to end the cycle that has consumed me for so long. It's definitely possible and I truly feel it! Again, your help has helped in tremendous ways. I wish you much awesomeness in life :)
@UntilThen
Also, no worries if not but do you have any experience/ pointers into what I could look into to resolve the confusing and stress I feel when I get confusing feedback like when the people as explaied above told me that I was attracted to those celebrity women for actively and intentionaly imagaining/ havin thoughts of being with them. They have every right to their views, I just wish I knew how to better deal with it. I think its all anxiety related anyway so no worries if you don't have any specific suggestions. I'm good to work this all out on my own now so thank you for being so patient with me. I'm empowered to work through this all and believe I can.
@sunnyApple1829
Not eveyone makes a distinction between fantasy and attraction because for some people as they are not seperate things. If someone else experiences fantasies that are exactly the same as their actual wants and attraction, that only means the two are the same for them, but it has nothing to do with what it means for you.
@UntilThen
Yes you are right and I now see it from a broader percespective. Not everyone see's it the same way or experiences it the same way and thats okay.
Not sure if there is a place I can leave you a review but I just nominated you for an ally badge. Thank you for everything. I'll be off now to make concrete steps to teach my mind how to ease into letting go and move on and will check up on the link you shared and also research some local stuff that I may be able to get into to help end the cycle my mind has been trapped in for over a year.
Wish you all the best!
@UntilThen
Ohh and if there is anything else I can do to highlight how much you helped me, do let me know.
Best 
@sunnyApple1829
Your gratitude means a lot to me in itself :)
@sunnyApple1829 hi there. I just finished reading this thread and I just wanted to let you know that I have been freaking out about a similar thing lately. This thread of you asking for help and peoples helpful advice really helped me too. Thanks for posting this.
