I’m tired of thinking about sex
My sexual dynamic with my boyfriend is shaped not only by a difference in libido, but also by a difference in the way each of us experiences and builds desire.
In my case, desire doesn’t appear immediately. I need it to build up slowly, through small moments of tension, playfulness, flirting, or closeness over the course of several days. For me, those moments shouldn’t necessarily mean that we are going to have sex right then and there. Instead, they help me fantasize, feel connected, and allow my arousal to progress naturally, without feeling pressured.
A little over a year ago, I explained this to him. However, he told me that he couldn’t maintain those small moments because he gets aroused too quickly, and it frustrates him to stay in that state without anything else happening afterward. So he preferred to wait until I directly wanted to have sex, in order to avoid feeling frustrated.
The problem is that this dynamic ended up leaving me alone with the responsibility of activating my own desire. Since those gradual moments between us were no longer happening, I had to make a mental effort to think about things that would stimulate me and try to get myself into a state of desire on my own. Little by little, it started to feel like a task, not something natural.
On top of that, I started to feel like I couldn’t play, flirt, or have small moments of sexual tension anymore, because I was afraid of “activating” him and then making him frustrated if nothing else happened. So an important part of the way I connect with him became blocked. I could no longer express myself freely because I felt like any gesture could create an expectation.
Over time, the topic of sex became mentally exhausting. It wasn’t just about deciding whether I wanted to have sex or not, but also managing everything around it: making sure he didn’t get frustrated, preventing him from interpreting my lack of desire as rejection, trying to stimulate myself on my own, controlling my signals, and feeling like I had to handle the whole topic very carefully.
That’s how I got to this point of exhaustion. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love my boyfriend or that I don’t care about the relationship. It means that the way I experience desire needs progression, playfulness, freedom, and calm, but the dynamic that developed made desire stop feeling shared and start feeling like an individual responsibility.
Has anyone else experienced something similar? And how did you work through it?
@tidySpring9329
I think others experience this too .. for many it is the emotional connection and feelings that make it work for them.
I think it is a big difference in some couples and if you feel you have to do foreplay yourself or just be ready cause he is........ it will build to where you no longer enjoy it with him. It becomes not a special connection between a couple but a task. Talk to him if you can and explain again or be prepared to be unhappy with that part of relationship or find someone who can appreciate your needs.
@tidySpring9329 I’ve experienced this exact thing, only from the male side of the conversation. It’s important to find your way through this, because without work and communication, you can end up in a dead bedroom situation. What worked for me, was communication; not just reminding him of what to do, but helping him/teaching/guiding him through the process. Unfortunately the art of love isn’t something we’re born with, and often we’re taught toxically, or given bad advice that sticks with us when we’re younger and growing up ourselves. Don’t give up communicating, if he reacts too quickly, don’t shut him down or be discouraged, just simply communicate, and slow yourself down (help him put the breaks on, if that makes sense). Try and keep things positive, and don’t give up communicating with him about it. If he loves you, and cares, he will learn; but it’s not going to happen overnight. It’s a learning curve.