Introducing BDSM to a Relationship
Hi everyone!
Lately, I've been struggling with revealing my love of BDSM to my partner, and I wanted to start this thread in the hopes of receiving some advice and to see if anyone else has experienced a similar issue. As a survivor of sexual abuse, I find the role of a submissive to be incredibly empowering and healing, and I would love to bring more of this into my sex life with my boyfriend, but the problem is, I think he's scared of the BDSM culture. He recently revealed to me that as a small child, his mother forced him to watch intense male sub cbt porn on his father's computer because she wanted him to hate his dad. It now seems to me that he is terrified of BDSM, and I want to respect his boundaries and limits, but I also feel like this is a very big part of my identity that I would like him to know. I love him very much, and our communication on pretty much everything is great, but I'm scared to bring this up. I don't want him to think of me as a freak, and I'm just worried that I'll scare him away. Does anyone have any advice for me on this? Please let me know.
First off, I would like to tell you that you are extremely brave and obviously dedicated to this if you can tell us something like this and ask for help, so job well done :) I myself love BDSM and I have tried it a few times with my partner, however she doesn't seem to like it. She did it a few times because I suggested it, but she doesn''t like anyting that causes pain. She likes the restraints and dominant portion of it though, so that's how I commit to my fantasy. My point is, not everyone is going to like BDSM, in fact, I'm sure we're minority in terms of sexual desires, however if you talk with your partner ahead of time about it, the worse he can say is no. The best he can say is "LETS DO IT!". Communication is very essential in a relationship, especially a romantic relationship when dealing with your sexual wants and fantasies. These things should be discussed amongst partners without judgement. You should tell him what you like, let him respond, and if need be, compromise. Then he should tell you what he likes, you should respond, and if need be, compromise. This will make your relationship stronger in and out of the bedroom, as well as your sexual life most likely better :)
I think BDSM is really very scary to people who don't have a great grasp on what it is. If he was forced into watching hardcore CBT, his idea of kink probably distills down to "someone wants to shove needles in my balls". And yeah, for people who aren't into that sort of thing, that would be super frightening. However, I don't think that means you should never bring it up. I suggest starting out slowly, i.e. "I think it would be fun if you pinned my arms down during sex" or "I like it when you bite me" (whatever your things are). If he reacts positively to those things, keep doing them and slowly bring up more things. Also, it's a really good idea to talk to him about what BDSM actually is, and more importantly, what about it makes him uncomfortable. If the idea of chastity freaks him out, okay then no chastity. You both need to be able to respect the others sexual desires.But there are so so so many aspects of kink, and in all likelihood he's never realized that. I would also talk to him about what you get out of it. I'm also a sex abuse surivor who finds submissive to be incredibly healing, but my partner baulked at the idea for awhile because he was afraid that it would be unhealthy for me. If he's familiar with your past he may need to hear you say that this is a good, healthy, happy thing for you.
On a related note:My fiance and I areboth really into a particular fetish, but kept quiet about it for almost three years of our relationship because we though the other one would be freaked out. Communication is your friend.
Thank you so much for this (and to everyone else who replied). You gave some really helpful suggestions, and I'll be sure to try those first few things out next time we're together as an introduction. It's also really nice to hear from somebody who has also experienced sexual abuse and agrees that being a sub can actually be healing. I know it's common, but I'd never actually personally talked to somebody who felt the same way as me; makes me feel a little less screwed up. Thanks again :)
No problem! Im glad I could be helpful to you :)
Talking with his friends or people who knows him very well is a good way, they can tell you about his problems and their views of the problem.
Or maybe you can talk with your bf about this and ask some couple therapy to make him feel fine about this. Doing meditation and thinking in positive are good extras.
He needs to feel secure about this, he needs lo put the past in a box. He needs to know he can trust in you without any fears.
Good luck :)
From what you've said, it sounds like he probably has the misconception that all BDSM is about is torture. Your best bet might be to talk him through what you do and don't like, and what it is you enjoy about the things that you do like. And you guys can ease into it very slowly and keep an eye on his comfort levels.
Also if it helps, many many 'vanilla' couples engage in light BDSM such as restraints, roleplay, or biting. BDSM doesn't have to be all-or-nothing for him. He can engage in BDSM without identifying as a kinkster with all that that entails.
Thank you so much to everyone who has responded and upvoted; I've been going through a bit of a dark time (with this and some other unrelated aspects of my life), so it's really nice to feel supported. I will talk to him about it once I get a chance, and post here with an update. Also, I'm not going to be able to see him in person until the 26th. Do you think it would be best to wait and do this in person, or would that add more pressure to the situation?
I think it is always crucial to talk about these kind of things in person due to the very means of communication. While talking to someone, it's not the words that count. It's the body language. Body language and facial expressionshavebeen proven to be considered 80% of communication, and obviously you can't get that through a phone or even a Skype call or something of that nature because you still can't see all the body language with a Skype call. The body reacts to things subconsciously like lying or telling the truth. For instance, if someone is lying while talking, their eyes usually will move up and to the left or their arms will be crossed in a defensive position. There are many things that people do and they don't realize what they mean, however if you know the signs of body language, you can become a better communicator with family and friends :) To sum it up, I think you should definitely wait on it just so you can get a better idea of what he thinks of the idea.
Thank you, I'll do that and post back here once I tell him.
Thanks for sharing this! It's a big part of my sexual identity also. My inhibitions andconcerns of being labeleda freak aresomething I just let go with experience. It really is freeing to be comfortable expressing all aspects of your identity without fear of judgment (from anyone);you deserve to enjoy it fully, talk about itopenly and develop your interestsas you please.
