My boyfriend of 3 years is an asian fetishist.
I am Asian, my boyfriend is white. For the first time in 3 years today, I snooped through his phone, based on a suspicion he was cheating on me. I found heaps of white men on Asian girl porn. Degrading, objectifying, horrible stuff. I found he had an active account on a dating site for Asian women, looking for "hookups and relationships". I found he has been ordering lube, which I have never seen nor used before.
So, where do I start. He is probably cheating on me, that's one thing. I've been little more than his personal Asian porn star for 3 years, that's another thing.
I am so filled with disgust and shame and I want to cry and vomit. I thought he was just a regular, decent man who loved me for me. For 3 years I was such a colossal idiot, I feel so betrayed and so used and so tainted. I don't know why my boyfriend being an Asian fetishist is such a terrible thing to me, I suppose it isn't the worst thing a boyfriend could be, but I feel sick to my soul.
3 years, and it turns out I don't know him at all. We live together, but I can't bear to see his face.
I don't know what advice to ask for, at this point I'm just begging for any words from someone who understands.
Wow! I can certainly understand your pain. There are some things that simply cannot be forgiven imo When you live with someone there is an implied agreement; that the two of you will be faithful to each other. As painful as it is; this man has no respect for you or your relationship. And even worse; he has proved that he is a liar. So if you confront him - he will just lie to you to try to try and cover up. Unfortunately once proven a liar - it is hard to trust that whatever he says now will be the truth.
I have been in a similar position.Itdoesfeel disgusting when someone you are close to comes up with things regarding your race, gender, etc,that just make you sick. Some people don't understand how much having such fetishisms can affect those who are the subjects of it.
I'm not sure what you are planning to do in light of this knowledge about him and what he may be doing as well. However, no matter where you go from here,I hope you it will not affect you (at least too much)on howyou view yourself. I understand the feeling of shame and being used, but you were not to know at all - as he gave a completely different impression to you -and so there is truly no shame on you for if he is cheating on you and a fetishist.
I hope you're doing okay! x.
@ragginor
Hi it's me again. I found out he was having an affair with another woman on his phone. I contacted her, she was actually a very nice person, and he had been lying to her as well. So I confronted him, and after a while I weaseled the truth out of him. Or what he tells me is the truth.
He claims to be a sex addict, and he was seeing her "just for sex". She told me the relationship WAS primarily sexual, but he had been promising her a relationship and telling her he was single but not ready for anything serious yet. I don't understand, though. We had a very healthy sex life and it's not like he was lacking anything from our relationship. Why does he need her? He says it was just for the "thrill of the spontaneity". I still don't feel satisfied with his excuses. This affair has been going on for a year. The worst part? He brought her to OUR HOME and had been having sex with her in our home and in his office.
He's now cut off contact with her, and she's as disgusted with him as I am. I know this affair won't continue, although I don't know if there are any others. He certainly won't admit to anything unless I've found it out myself.
However. I still love him. I can't let go. I am that horribly weak woman with no self-respect. I cannot let go. We still live together, and are tenuously trying to rebuild our relationship. One part of me definitely wants to dump him as brutally as possible. But the other part loves him, is attracted to him, and wants to believe him when he says he'll change. I can't trust him again, I know that, but I am still in love and I still want to hold on. I feel completely lost and confused. Am I insane? Is there really nothing left worth saving? What should I do?
This is actually very complicated. Because you're not sure if he's telling the truth or not. People believe in second chances and it seems like you do too. But please know that there's a difference between giving a second chance and being foolish.
Do what your heart tells you to do because you wouldn't want to regret it. But be careful of the imposters of this world. But again, he might be telling truth and might need some help.
I guess it depends on how hisbehavior is gonna be, now that you know about it.Will he be sorry? Will he pretend like nothing happened? Will he blame you for it? It's all different situations and will need different steps to be taken.
Good luck. <3
@ragginor
I am curious as to how this situation turned out. What did you end up deciding?
